DAY 52 Sober: A Child Thief

Hello friends, today is Day 52 sober. I am back to the grind of the week. This week I need to focus on staying positive at work and getting enough sleep. Having to be up at 330am is hard even for a morning person but I have to man up and be a responsible adult. I have always been a hard worker. I started working at very young age, My first job was in middle school around 11years old, I would help set up tents at a local market on the weekends for like 20 bucks a day. The man I helped sold glasses. I also helped him sell. After that ended I became a paper boy outside grocery stores selling papers, that did not last long I was only making a few buck a day.  I kind of had to work if I wanted to eat, I knew at a very young age anything I ever needed or wanted I had to get on my own.

 

Sometimes illegally, I remember being really hungry and walking into groceries store in middle school and grabbing a lunch able, cheese string and a Reese than heading to the restroom were I would sit in the stall and eat because I knew I would go to bed hungry and there was plenty of times i did go to bed hungry. When i was younger In elementary school I remember my Mom and her boyfriend putting me in people doggy doors because i was tiny and steal food from their kitchen also they would make me and my brothers walk in Walmart change my old shoes and walk out with new ones. My mothers boyfriend sam would beat me and yell at me if i did not steal from stores, it was stuff we needed.  Its funny because I still have guilt for stealing at such a young age, as crazy as is it sounds. Middle school for me was the worst of my childhood because that’s when I realize I had to balance a crazy home life with middle school. There is this one incident that still brings tears to my eyes, I remember walking in my Apartment complex parking lot and seeing a car window rolled down and a purse sitting in the passenger seat. I grab it and ran inside a storage area that held the apartment dumpster. I took all the cash and threw the purse in the trash. When I open up the wallet I seen it had a food stamp card that people used to cash their checks. I was terrified but knew that money would help when I look back I knew that I stole from a poor person who had kids and need that money. When I went back home I gave it my mother her face showed relief and joy, I told her I found it. Later that day the lady son was walking around and asked me if I seen any guy walking around with a purse. I said know. I know at that age I had to survive and had to do stuff I am not proud of but I need to forgive my childhood self.  

 

I would love to find that family and pay them back one day. I am still writing my childhood down on paper, its difficult but I am pushing trough. My childhood Is very layered, complex and profoundly misfortunate. It did teach my how to be a survivor and how endure life and pain. As I got older I used booze to help me drown my past so I wouldn’t have to deal but the past will always learn how to swim and float back up to the surface… I love Frida Kahlo and she once said “ I drank to drown my sorrows, but the damned things learned how to swim”  I am grateful for the past lessons,  for writing and for my survivor skills that helping me survivor this mental and body disorder that is called Alcoholism. I will rise and nothing going to stop me now. Sober is the New Black..I recently heard this song by B.O.B-John Doe feat JoJo. I am coming home to myself.

 

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

DAY 5 Sober: A Survivor Mind

  Today is day five sober and i am still going strong. My video Blog was so scary btw, It was so hard but i am glad i did. I am enjoying a Chai tea at my spot in Koreatown. No cravings so far but i am starting to feel that semi Depression that sneaks up on you in the beginning stages of getting sober. My Body aches, I have night sweats, muscle Spasms, Lack of sleep, Lack of appetite and also a mild headache. . In the past five months my life has been turn upside down. Some of the hardest moments of my life so far…So much change but with change comes freedom, loneliness, and endless possiblities  Also nothing seems fun and i kinda don’t want to do anything except write. Which is still pretty good but i love film and i usually watch at least one or two a day Maybe its the lack of sleep Ive been getting. Things are starting to settle down a bit and a new normal is on the horizon, i cant see what it looks like but i know it involves being sober.

Not sure why it took me so long to realize i was an addict. After countless bad decisions. Even after seeing people i knew pass from addiction. Doctors telling me I have a fatty liver. None of it was enough. Yet my mind just shifted on may 24 14.  I  realized its a mental disorder that centers in are brain and not in the booze and that i have control of my mind and sometimes the mind can be your worst enemy addicts or none addicts.  In my childhood and even up to my 20’s  I had a lot of trauma that range from Sexual abuse, emotional abuse, Physical abuse, and neglect. A child mind is very impressionable and cant rationalize those forms of abuse.  So i was taught at a very young age to always live in this mind, I had to survive and my mind made it possible. I used to pretend play as child every child pretends which is normal but my lasted a bit long into high school my reality was so bad that i would spend hours with my mind in my room or watching tons of film.  As i got older i stayed in mind even when the surroundings got so much better filled with amazing love. I was still in survivor mode.

 

When i was younger my mind would lie to teachers when they saw knots on my head or lie to everybody so my parents would not get in trouble. Stealing food, stealing from family. when i was younger i was really small and skinny so i  would be put into doggy doors so i can steal food. I used to walk into walmart with old shoes and walk out with knew shoes..With parent consent.  In high school freshman year I only had two outfits horrible Experience, I was leaving with my father at the time. The minute i got a work permit i had to work paying rent so i was always in my mind surviving not trying to find out who i was or what my future looked like, Prom, college.  As i got older my mind was still in survivor mode, My mother was living with me and i was 2o.Working full time to put food on the table. I sorta raised my young brother since he was a kid. My mom always had jobs that didn’t last more then a few months.      

 

 

Then one night a girl who will be nameless, offered me cocaine at that gay bar and my mind felt so good it was not in survivor mode and the rest was history…So the minute i had a chance at a normal life in LA i took it!!!!! get the hell out of the desert! but i was still with that survivor mind but with a bigger Disorder, I came to LA with my Alcohol disorder! and that was horrible. My survivor mind showed itself with distrust, fear, Paranoia, Added with booze! BOY O BOY! what a recipe. The really fucked up part was the Surroundings was such a 360 from back home. Filled with love, good cheese, Wonderful game nights, BBQ’s, laughter, an amazing apartment, maggie my dog, an amazing ex with an amazing family and group of friends. I was in survivor mode fueled by booze i did not even see the amazing love i had back home from my bros, sis in law, nephews, niece, Step mom and my all my aunts. My real parents are amazing too! My alcohol disorder helps me understand them more. They are pretty awesome.

 

So part of my recovery is to go back and heal my own wounds. Forgive people and forgive myself. I am so grateful for my being sober and for everyone who is taking time out there day to reading this! I hope one day i can inspire. One blog at a Time

Stay connect with love, Adolfo