3 Years Sober

 

Hello, Friends today I’m 3 years sober. The last few days I have been celebrating with loved ones, including a dinner tonight. This past week I have been Self Reflecting on my journey in recovery. It brings me to tears seeing where I’ve been and where I am at today. The pain, the struggle, the tears, the work, the sadness, the healing, the unknowns, the anxiety, the fears were all worth this moment here now. I feel peaceful and immense gratitude for my recovery. Life does get better even in challenging times. Now that I’m sober and clean I find the solution quicker or see my human errors faster. It seemed like my second year sober has flown by. Time goes fast, while I am happy, content and sober. While in addiction it seemed like time was the enemy, filled with pain and waiting for the next drink.

 

This year my goal was to create new experiences, create a healthy balanced life, and work toward my dreams. I also wanted to get to know myself more see my defects and assets clearly. A balanced lifestyle is vital for my life because it prevents another addiction or stops any obsessions from growing. Now that my soul and mind feel clean, healthy and free I am starting to work on my body. I stopped nicotine, and cut back on my caffeine intake. I allow myself one cup of coffee in the morning instead of 5 shots of espresso. I also stopped diet cokes and red bulls. I want to be free from all vices and really present in my day. I want to be healthy all around, and don’t want to take life for granted.

 

My second year sober has been amazing but at times challenging. There are areas in life that I’ve made real progress like working towards my book series and my relationship but I also regressed in other areas. It’s okay to have moments of regression because we are human and not perfect. What’s important is to see the regression, see the poor choices or find my human errors and defects. It’s important to take accountability and accept the consequences. These human errors are just lessons to bring a greater awareness of self. I can choose to wallow in pity and sit in sorrow or learn and make different choices. Every time I have a human error, I forgive myself right away. I have to, I don’t allow my ego or infected mind to beat me up but I do change what is needed or find out why I did what I did.

 

Forgiving yourself is freeing, it brings you back to the present where the solution lives. In the past I would be sad for days, allowing my mind to be abusive to my soul. In sobriety I came to a realization that I am not my past; I am the lesson learned from my past. I have to stay vigilant because my disease never goes away. Everyday I ask myself questions like what is guiding me? Is it my diseased ego mind or addiction voice? Is it my higher power or true self? When life seemed chaotic I knew I took a wrong turn somewhere or living from my ego. When I become aware that I am off track than I search within my soul to see where I got off track. My reactions, emotions, and situations are evidence showing me there is something wrong inside myself. Through prayer and meditation I can slow the mind to find the solution. After I see my human errors make different choices and keep it moving. Human errors are easy to overcome when I don’t wallow in pity but find the lesson or solution.

 

My second year sober was not challenging in the sense of not drinking, I’ve only had one craving in three years sober and that was in my first few months. Challenging in living life on life terms. I have to accept the universe, I can’t fight against it. I will lose, the universe is way more powerful than my human capabilities. Also the universe is always speaking to me and showing me what I need to do or stop doing, what needs healing or gives opportunities for growth.  It might feel horrible or uncomfortable but its trying to push me to my full potential. Life is real, truer, and I also feel life extremely.

 

Something I realized this year is I don’t do well in stressful situations, and in the past I was better. I need to really work on calming my mind and body in unforeseen events.  I tend to get deep anxiety that can last for a week. That just the way my body and diseased mind works. I don’t take medications for my anxiety and have holistic treatments, if it gets bad. In my second year sober I felt more anxiety than usual. I had to accept what I was feelings and let it flow out of me. I had to sit on a cold floor, take a warm bath, let out tears and meditate, or go for a walk. In the depths of addiction, I wasn’t living, feeling, or dealing with life. Sober has forced me to deal and feel.

 

 

I still consider myself a newbie because I am only three years sober, three years of getting to know true self, watching my mind and healing my darkness. I still don’t know all the reasons why I became an addict but in time they will surface. It took sometime for me to realize that a reason for my Addiction was to numb my anxiety. My first year sober was more about getting to know the addiction that lived in the mind and separating addiction from true self. My first year sober I was overly focused on doing whatever it took to maintaining sobriety. This second year was all about creating a more balanced life and recovery program. I got to be very intimate with myself so I know what worked and what didn’t.  Life also got more complex, so i had to learn how to balance healing in recovery and creating a healthy relationship. I was able to find a more balanced recovery program. My life has gotten bigger, a lot of change and also new challenges. I moved into a new home with the love of my life, got a new job, loss some people and stop nicotine. In those big changing times I did not crave and for that I am grateful.

 

Challenging times is only a challenge if I define it as a challenge. I can change my perception to an opportunity to learn. I have to always see the sliver lining. It does get easier to not pick up a drink but that doesn’t mean life is miraculously perfect or gets better without work, time and effort. I had to take time to sit with myself to see what I needed to heal, I had to put work in to change the way my mind thinks. I do find myself being able to find happiness within my soul in hard times easily. I don’t allow my mind to run off or allow my emotions to bring me to a dark place. I allow the tears to flow and accept what is. Accepting what is creates freedom to change or create. If I don’t accept what is than I am not dealing with reality, it will create anger or resentment towards people and the universe.

 

I am also learning what it means to form healthy relationships, create boundaries with some and cutting out people who are unhealthy. My life was going great in most aspects and some parts of my life seemed chaotic. In one relationship in particular, I kept allowing bad behavior from a person. I kept forgiving and letting go, than found myself week’s later stressed out, filled with anxiety or hurt by them again. It’s no ones fault but my own, it has to come back to self, I allowed their bad behavior. I had to take deep look within my soul to see why I allowed their bad behavior to go on for so long. I still don’t have a clear answer since we recently parted ways. I do know there is some unhealed trauma that allows unhealthy people into my life. That relationship was causing deep anxiety.

 

Forgiving doesn’t mean I should still be around them if the bad behavior continues. Since I kept allowing that person to hurt me, the pressure built and built and I imploded with anxiety.  I can forgive and let them go. I still care deeply for this person they’re part of my family. So I know I need  to coexist with  boundaries. My well-being and sobriety has to come first over everything including my relationships. I don’t know what the future holds for that person and me. I’m wiser because of the failed relationship. I also have to acknowledge the blood on my hands in the failed relationship and see what I can do better. I can’t change them but can change myself. That person brought out issues that I need to work on. In some weird way I am grateful for that experience because it has forced me to start creating boundaries and taught me to communicate when I feel a hurt by another person. Not to say everything is fine when it’s not. I was burying my emotions that created me to have irrational behavior. That person was a great teacher.  I had to go through that experience to see there is something in me that needs healing for allowing bad behavior in my life. I am grateful for that chaotic time because it is bringing me a greater self-awareness.

 

I want to around people who enhances my life and not around chaos and drama. I have forgiven and have compassion for that person. I also can’t spend energy and time trying to find closure. There will be times I wont have closure and I have to accept that. That person is committed to never understanding my feelings or why I had to cut them out. I can’t force someone to take responsibility; I had to accept that person doesn’t care. In any loss relationship whether with friends or family it’s hard. Feeling the loss is hard but possible to overcome wiser.This second year sober has taught me how to say no to others and yes to myself.

 

I am grateful for my sobriety that has allowed me to see clearly who is unhealthy and who is healthy. I am grateful for my partner Vince who is my biggest cheerleader but also a person who calls it like it is. He shines a light on my defects and assets. He helps me see the good and not so good in me, I am not perfect but always a work progress. This year sober theme was duality, regressions but also blooming. There are still some old behavior that has brought chaos to my life, but I am grateful that I am sober so I can fully understand it and change it. I am never working towards perfection but towards be whole in my soul.

 

My book series is complete and should be out in 2018. It still feels surreal and brings tears to my eyes. Not only is it possible to overcome addiction but to achieve real dreams that once seemed far out of reach. I was always reaching for the bottle but now I am reaching for my dreams.

 

Stay connected with Love, Adolfo Vasquez

Here are some poems I created since my last post

 

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6 Months Sober: What I’ve Learned

Hello, Friends today is 6 months sober, I am feeling so grateful to be here now with no cravings for alcohol, only cravings I have is to write, inspire, and to heal from within. What I have learned in 6 months is when you take away the booze; I am left with root causes of my addiction, and some I might be unaware of now since I am only 183 days sober. I also learnt “the addiction” isn’t in the booze its in the mind and body, body in the form of cravings and in the mind feeding me thoughts. The mind for me is where I need the most healing the body cravings have left and gone long ago.

 

I also learnt that I matter, because I am born, and that I am capable of living a dream I just have to stay sober. One of the biggest lessons I’ve gained is forgiveness, for others. I am currently working on forgiveness for the things I have done. I don’t know if one can fully forgive oneself because when I am reminded of the stuff I did my eyes fills with tears. I learnt that the addiction voice gets quite and far in between when I am self aware of the separation between the addiction and I. I learnt that it’s ok to be sad, angry, hurt, happy, joy, all in one day because I am learning how to cope in a sober life. The longer I’m sober I am finding me, also I am able to see this thing called “ego” and now able to see how that affects me in everyday life. I still have a ways to go but I am so proud on how far I have come in 6months

 

Getting sober and losing the love of my life at the same time was the hardest thing to do but possible to overcome. Anything is possible, you just have to get up and change. The getting sober part has been pretty great, but the letting go of the love seems to be the hardest for me. I feel like the love is so ingrain in my heart, its hard to cleanse out. Today is a pretty big day. I had a picture of us on my wall, I am a huge believer in law of attraction and I believed if I had our picture on my wall and kept healing in my sobriety one day I would wake to him laying next to me, opening his heart again but the reality is he might be cheering me on but maybe not in the form of a partner. I thought I could finally be that man he always wanted and saw in me. Somehow I can be redeemed from all those things I did, I can go back and help heal his bruised heart and grow old, get married and live happy the rest of our life. I am learning how to accept life’s decision. I took down that picture today, i had velcro it so it was really tuff to take off kinda symbolic to my heart ripping a bit but it was necessary, I am going to delete pictures and get rid of all those reminders that i kept holding on too, his earrings and such.  I loved true, but I was dealing with a mental disorder. so I now feel a sense of peace knowing I fought so hard for us, as he did as well. So I sit here in my favorite café in Korea town, happy for my days sober yet a bit sad, oh the rollercoaster of sobriety. but I am alive and feeling life, how life is meant to be felt in the moment. Sober is the new black.

 

 

 

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The Pierces Creation is such a powerful song and video!

DAY 41 Sober: HAPPINESS

Hello Friends, today is day 41 sober and “Sober is the New Black” has been such an amazing gift.  Sobriety has brought me so much peace, a happy mindset and self-awareness. Once I accepted the fact that I am an Addict and understood what role it has played in my life at that time.  Sobriety also thought me a lot about my own happiness.

 

Happiness is something that is created within you. We all have the tools inside ourselves. I see Happiness like A lantern in me; I have the fuel inside and my Positive thoughts, which is my match. Since happiness comes from within no one can take it away, events in your life may cause the light to dim or even go out but we can relight that match again with are positive thoughts. There is such thing as external happiness but this is a temporary feeling that goes away. I used to think External Happiness was the only kind and I was always searching for it in people, jobs, what I buy, competition with others, my scale, and how I look. When you only look for External happiness you are never fulfilled and always searching for the next bigger and better thing once you achieve whatever it is you were looking for. You become a Slave to external things but once I started to become Self-aware I try and only focus on the Inner happiness. It’s a joyful feeling that flows from me out into the universe with smiles, kindness and love.  Happiness isn’t about you receiving because you can’t receive what you already have. Happiness is a state of being and once you are truly their life is bliss. I see people and the world differently now. The only way I can continue this state of bliss is doing the work and staying Sober not just from Booze but from Past and ego

I still can appreciate external things but only with internal happiness can I live in a state of bliss and gratefulness, even during break ups, losing something important, gaining weight, getting old etc. My inner happiness is still burning bright. It might go dim or out but I just re light my lantern with my positive thoughts.

I am extremely grateful for this moment right now! To be sober, to be Adolfo and to see the love shining all around me, coming from within!

I love Pharrell “ Happy” Hope you enjoy this video!

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

DAY 30 Sober: 720hrs43200min2592000sec

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Hello friends today I’ve been one month Sober, 30days, 720hrs, 43,200mins and 2,592,ooo seconds  and I am so proud of myself this past month has thought me so much about myself. I feel like I have evolved so much. I really have no plans on how to spend the day; I slept in quite a bit. I might go watch a film. I kind of want to celebrate each 30 days, maybe with small treats and sometimes-big parties! Today I woke up a bit sad, I was dreaming of my old life, they weren’t of me drinking but of great times, maybe that’s why I stayed asleep for so long.  I’ve been getting my apartment organize and its almost finish, in the process I have to unpack all old memories pictures, birthday cards, tree ornaments, journals, and gifts.

 

This was my first real relationship so I am not sure what to throw out. I don’t want to throw out my journals but most them have writings about Vince, maybe ill just hide them until I am 100 percent. I only allow myself a few moments of sadness because it takes away from the possibilities from this moment right now! I need to focus on my new normal; its still ok and healthy to still grief the old life you have to move on but do not let it take away the whole day. Today is my 30 days and that’s a huge deal, the 30 days this time around means more because I did it from the bottom. I never had been so low.

 

So I love me some Stan Lee so X men: Days of Future past it is. I’ve wanted to see this film for the longest time now and today is a perfect day to treat myself and maybe a steak too. Alcohol-ISM never goes away so I have to really be on my game especially when I’m having not a 100 percent day because that’s when the Alcohol-ISM really comes out and really wants you to use. Life will give you moments that you don’t understand, do not agree with and will cause some pain and for me I need a game plan on how to handle those days in a healthy way because I am an addict and will always be. 

Today I feel gratefulness, joy, a bit sad, centered, self aware, and lonely. Thank you everyone who has been following my journey into sobriety its been scary at times and a form of my own therapy. To the next 30 days. Hope everybody enjoys there Sunday!

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo