Hello friends today is day 192 sober,  feeling sober blues. I always knew I had an issue with substance, but it wasn’t until met someone by the name of Vincent, who held a mirror to my face, calling me out for three years. He was my love, never loved that deep and hard before. I was a screwed up kid with a lot of issues when we met. He brought me out to LA to start a life and grow old together. I don’t think anyone loved me that deep or cared that much for me in the past. I would do anything and everything to try and make him happy but when I used, I became a horrible person. He eventually got tired of the drunken trends and he lost a sense of himself because my addiction. He got out to save himself.

I relapse while we were together and was so afraid of telling him, I lied. He caught me and so trust was lost. I went into a sober living had 3 months sober and relapse after. That last relapse was the worst I ended up in court and if I had any friends then I really lost them.

A few months ago, he contacted me and wanted me back in his life. I sat in bed that night drowning in my tears, so happy. It was kind of surreal like a dream. Finally, I get to be that man that he always knew that was inside that I buried with whiskey. When I lost Vince I lost everything, friends, my home. He mentioned he was going to propose on thanksgiving that year a few months before my relapse.So when he reached out the second time I was beyond grateful, my love for him never left. They have gotten stronger because I was finally able to love in a healthy way. Getting sober and losing a soul mate is very difficult. A couple days ago he came to the conclusion that a relationship could never be. We both decided, time needs to happen so I can heal my heart again

I lost him again and this time my sobriety couldn’t save it. My feelings are mixed, a bit free and content. Eyes faced forward not wasting healing energy looking back. Missing every part of him, trying to not let myself get to a dark place. Crying to heal. I know his door is always open if I really need him. Our relationship was a gift; it brought me to sobriety, saved me, we had an amazing dog we lost to cancer and I became man, I know one day we will be in each others lives as friends, Life on life terms. I am so grateful this situation doesn’t trigger cravings for booze actually it pushes me to be a better me and to let go of the past, Its possible overcome deep pain while sober without wanting a fix. Riding it out. The last conversation we had he stated this quote, that I take with me in life “I may have some battle wounds, but knowing they are for reasons that opened your eyes I wear them proudly” He turns 30 tomorrow and I always thought I would be there with him for that moment. Addiction stills love. Sober is the new black

Dixie chicks “let him fly” is what I need to do and him as well, I want him to fly away so he can find peace and love that can help heal his heart. He helped heal me and I want him to find a man that can help heal his heart. I want him to always believe in love. I do

S