3 Years Sober

 

Hello, Friends today I’m 3 years sober. The last few days I have been celebrating with loved ones, including a dinner tonight. This past week I have been Self Reflecting on my journey in recovery. It brings me to tears seeing where I’ve been and where I am at today. The pain, the struggle, the tears, the work, the sadness, the healing, the unknowns, the anxiety, the fears were all worth this moment here now. I feel peaceful and immense gratitude for my recovery. Life does get better even in challenging times. Now that I’m sober and clean I find the solution quicker or see my human errors faster. It seemed like my second year sober has flown by. Time goes fast, while I am happy, content and sober. While in addiction it seemed like time was the enemy, filled with pain and waiting for the next drink.

 

This year my goal was to create new experiences, create a healthy balanced life, and work toward my dreams. I also wanted to get to know myself more see my defects and assets clearly. A balanced lifestyle is vital for my life because it prevents another addiction or stops any obsessions from growing. Now that my soul and mind feel clean, healthy and free I am starting to work on my body. I stopped nicotine, and cut back on my caffeine intake. I allow myself one cup of coffee in the morning instead of 5 shots of espresso. I also stopped diet cokes and red bulls. I want to be free from all vices and really present in my day. I want to be healthy all around, and don’t want to take life for granted.

 

My second year sober has been amazing but at times challenging. There are areas in life that I’ve made real progress like working towards my book series and my relationship but I also regressed in other areas. It’s okay to have moments of regression because we are human and not perfect. What’s important is to see the regression, see the poor choices or find my human errors and defects. It’s important to take accountability and accept the consequences. These human errors are just lessons to bring a greater awareness of self. I can choose to wallow in pity and sit in sorrow or learn and make different choices. Every time I have a human error, I forgive myself right away. I have to, I don’t allow my ego or infected mind to beat me up but I do change what is needed or find out why I did what I did.

 

Forgiving yourself is freeing, it brings you back to the present where the solution lives. In the past I would be sad for days, allowing my mind to be abusive to my soul. In sobriety I came to a realization that I am not my past; I am the lesson learned from my past. I have to stay vigilant because my disease never goes away. Everyday I ask myself questions like what is guiding me? Is it my diseased ego mind or addiction voice? Is it my higher power or true self? When life seemed chaotic I knew I took a wrong turn somewhere or living from my ego. When I become aware that I am off track than I search within my soul to see where I got off track. My reactions, emotions, and situations are evidence showing me there is something wrong inside myself. Through prayer and meditation I can slow the mind to find the solution. After I see my human errors make different choices and keep it moving. Human errors are easy to overcome when I don’t wallow in pity but find the lesson or solution.

 

My second year sober was not challenging in the sense of not drinking, I’ve only had one craving in three years sober and that was in my first few months. Challenging in living life on life terms. I have to accept the universe, I can’t fight against it. I will lose, the universe is way more powerful than my human capabilities. Also the universe is always speaking to me and showing me what I need to do or stop doing, what needs healing or gives opportunities for growth.  It might feel horrible or uncomfortable but its trying to push me to my full potential. Life is real, truer, and I also feel life extremely.

 

Something I realized this year is I don’t do well in stressful situations, and in the past I was better. I need to really work on calming my mind and body in unforeseen events.  I tend to get deep anxiety that can last for a week. That just the way my body and diseased mind works. I don’t take medications for my anxiety and have holistic treatments, if it gets bad. In my second year sober I felt more anxiety than usual. I had to accept what I was feelings and let it flow out of me. I had to sit on a cold floor, take a warm bath, let out tears and meditate, or go for a walk. In the depths of addiction, I wasn’t living, feeling, or dealing with life. Sober has forced me to deal and feel.

 

 

I still consider myself a newbie because I am only three years sober, three years of getting to know true self, watching my mind and healing my darkness. I still don’t know all the reasons why I became an addict but in time they will surface. It took sometime for me to realize that a reason for my Addiction was to numb my anxiety. My first year sober was more about getting to know the addiction that lived in the mind and separating addiction from true self. My first year sober I was overly focused on doing whatever it took to maintaining sobriety. This second year was all about creating a more balanced life and recovery program. I got to be very intimate with myself so I know what worked and what didn’t.  Life also got more complex, so i had to learn how to balance healing in recovery and creating a healthy relationship. I was able to find a more balanced recovery program. My life has gotten bigger, a lot of change and also new challenges. I moved into a new home with the love of my life, got a new job, loss some people and stop nicotine. In those big changing times I did not crave and for that I am grateful.

 

Challenging times is only a challenge if I define it as a challenge. I can change my perception to an opportunity to learn. I have to always see the sliver lining. It does get easier to not pick up a drink but that doesn’t mean life is miraculously perfect or gets better without work, time and effort. I had to take time to sit with myself to see what I needed to heal, I had to put work in to change the way my mind thinks. I do find myself being able to find happiness within my soul in hard times easily. I don’t allow my mind to run off or allow my emotions to bring me to a dark place. I allow the tears to flow and accept what is. Accepting what is creates freedom to change or create. If I don’t accept what is than I am not dealing with reality, it will create anger or resentment towards people and the universe.

 

I am also learning what it means to form healthy relationships, create boundaries with some and cutting out people who are unhealthy. My life was going great in most aspects and some parts of my life seemed chaotic. In one relationship in particular, I kept allowing bad behavior from a person. I kept forgiving and letting go, than found myself week’s later stressed out, filled with anxiety or hurt by them again. It’s no ones fault but my own, it has to come back to self, I allowed their bad behavior. I had to take deep look within my soul to see why I allowed their bad behavior to go on for so long. I still don’t have a clear answer since we recently parted ways. I do know there is some unhealed trauma that allows unhealthy people into my life. That relationship was causing deep anxiety.

 

Forgiving doesn’t mean I should still be around them if the bad behavior continues. Since I kept allowing that person to hurt me, the pressure built and built and I imploded with anxiety.  I can forgive and let them go. I still care deeply for this person they’re part of my family. So I know I need  to coexist with  boundaries. My well-being and sobriety has to come first over everything including my relationships. I don’t know what the future holds for that person and me. I’m wiser because of the failed relationship. I also have to acknowledge the blood on my hands in the failed relationship and see what I can do better. I can’t change them but can change myself. That person brought out issues that I need to work on. In some weird way I am grateful for that experience because it has forced me to start creating boundaries and taught me to communicate when I feel a hurt by another person. Not to say everything is fine when it’s not. I was burying my emotions that created me to have irrational behavior. That person was a great teacher.  I had to go through that experience to see there is something in me that needs healing for allowing bad behavior in my life. I am grateful for that chaotic time because it is bringing me a greater self-awareness.

 

I want to around people who enhances my life and not around chaos and drama. I have forgiven and have compassion for that person. I also can’t spend energy and time trying to find closure. There will be times I wont have closure and I have to accept that. That person is committed to never understanding my feelings or why I had to cut them out. I can’t force someone to take responsibility; I had to accept that person doesn’t care. In any loss relationship whether with friends or family it’s hard. Feeling the loss is hard but possible to overcome wiser.This second year sober has taught me how to say no to others and yes to myself.

 

I am grateful for my sobriety that has allowed me to see clearly who is unhealthy and who is healthy. I am grateful for my partner Vince who is my biggest cheerleader but also a person who calls it like it is. He shines a light on my defects and assets. He helps me see the good and not so good in me, I am not perfect but always a work progress. This year sober theme was duality, regressions but also blooming. There are still some old behavior that has brought chaos to my life, but I am grateful that I am sober so I can fully understand it and change it. I am never working towards perfection but towards be whole in my soul.

 

My book series is complete and should be out in 2018. It still feels surreal and brings tears to my eyes. Not only is it possible to overcome addiction but to achieve real dreams that once seemed far out of reach. I was always reaching for the bottle but now I am reaching for my dreams.

 

Stay connected with Love, Adolfo Vasquez

Here are some poems I created since my last post

 

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Day 353 Sober: Building myself

Hello Friends today is day 353 sober. Just got back to LA from an amazing trip back home in Palm Springs. I spent mother’s day with both mothers, grateful for the sober mind that allowed me to enjoy each moment. My year sober is in a couple weeks. It’s kind of surreal to have made it this far without cravings. It went by quickly. This journey has been so rewarding in every aspect of my life, Mind, body and soul. The ones I lost because of past addiction are coming back around.

Day 1 sober I was sitting on a mattress in an empty room. I was empty and broken inside. No purpose, no clear path, not writing. I felt defeated but I knew the reason for all the turmoil was due to alcohol. Fast forward to today, actually living a life that I am proud of. Feeling weightless of the past. Seeing people with love instead of ego. I will always be working but today I’m enjoying 353 days of sober.

I stumbled upon an amazing app called Sober Grid that connects me with other sober people in my local area. It’s available for all smart phones. It really cool, like a community sharing their day, posting inspiration on the news feed, and they even have a burning desire if someone needs to talk at anytime of the day.   It’s hard sometimes to meet other sober people who can relate and understand. In the past I’ve meet some cool people who find out I’m sober, they tend to get scared off like I’m contagious.

I am aware that being sober carry’s a stigma that we are boring. Others might not want to invite me because they want to have a drink without feeling guilty or worry. I’m at a point in my recovery were I can be around alcohol and not crave it. My life is to amazing to ever want my lips to touch another bottle.

When I was an active addict I was not fun, maybe in the beginning but once I blackout I would make drunk scenes. Get emotional and act out in ways that were not my true self. I would wake up the next day and have a feeling of deep shame. Now when I go out, I’m in control of every situation and outcome. I’m now Laughing, dancing, being myself, a wiser and more positive person. I’ve notice the universe is bringing more like minded people in my life and taking away all the negative thinking people.

When I was using, I would always build myself in bars. By stretching the truth, lying, or hiding my past. I did that because I was empty inside. I knew up to that point I had amounted to nothing. Hearing others succeeding in life made me feel low. When I look back on my tall stories, I can’t help laugh at how delusional I was.

So I now I build myself up in healthy and mindful ways. Asking myself what needs to be worked on. Whether it’s work on my health or old wounds. Being aware of my emotions for example if I’m hurting or feel jealous I will ask myself “why I’m I feeling that way”? Than follow that string of pain to the source. Once I find the source than I could heal by letting go and forgiving. I also build my self up in other ways like Creating love for every part of my body and if I’m not happy with my waist than making healthy choices in my eating habits. Believing that I am worthy of self-respect. Working on long-term gratification instead of living for instant gratifications. Writing poetry. Sober is the New Black

 

Here are some poems and two short stories.

 

I wrote this awhile back but yet to share it. At 11:52am an incident happen that took my breath away. this was the moment.

 

11:52

I’ll do whatever it takes to evolve from old ways

move

We all have disagreements with friends and family but now i value the saving the relationship than being right or wrong

value

 

I was always searching for outside things because I felt empty inside. nothing I found would be lasting, creating a greater need for more things. Making it a vicious cycle of need.

seeking

whatever happens in life, whether good or bad. don’t break from your truth

be still

On day one sober, I was still bruised from my life crashing down but i found the beauty in the fall. so I just hold on for another day.

beauty in the dust

Feeling life always to the extreme.

 

a bit about me

I want to learn something new everyday

fear

Love is one of my favorite feeling for myself and for others

i love you

About that one love

i

I love always love big, i don’t know how to love small

love

Adapting to change easy is a great quality to master

survive

Wrote this awhile ago, for that one boy

my boy

Sober is the New Black

This video from London Grammar is Amazing. Love this song Strong

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 230 Sober: Pink Cloud

Hello Friends today is day 230 sober, I’ve been a bit under the weather but feeling a lot better. I am noticing not just my mind changing but also my body. When I was using had really dry skin turning into rashes, Feeling tired, overweight, discoloration  on parts of my skin, some vision issues, acid reflux are just some of the body symptoms from long-term alcohol abuse. The body heals itself when you put the right vitamins in the body.

What’s most rewarding is the mind detoxing and becoming very clear. I can now embrace life, people in recovery talk about a pink cloud phase. So far the pink cloud has last beyond 7 months, maybe because I allowed my pink cloud to expand allowing me to feel human. I don’t miss drinking one bit or my old surroundings. I was beyond stagnant, to the point of death. I had a moment of becoming self-aware, but work took me to this place of peace. It took a bit of time and I still have a ways to go but I know without a doubt life becomes a life once you detach from substance, ego and past.

Feeling anything at all sober is such a beautiful thing. Writing has consumed my life for the past 7 months and I love it. I realized I needed to become friends with a word called “Balance”. Still learning about creating a healthy balance between writing and being out in the world. I am an introvert and it’s not a bad thing. It can hinder my ability to make friends but also gives me time with myself to reflect. Every day, I’m evolving so who I am today will not be the same a year from now. I don’t ever want to stop, expanding my purpose and my mind. Everything looks so bright from the light shining in from a window. To the moon, in the night, inspired by sobriety. Letting my inner light guide my mind and I. Sober is the new Black.

This song From Vance joy is such a lovely song, every word rings true to my heart. Vance joy First time.

These poems below are all from the heart the last couple of days. About love lost and about finding beauty in hard times. I hope they can inspire someone who might be suffering to find the beauty in it.

 

EXPOSEDPOEM GOLDPOEM LOVEPOEM TRUTHPOEMUNSEEN POEM

 

This photo below is me, when I was using and me today day 230 sober.

Day 230sober

 

Sober is the new black

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez.

 

DAY 109 Sober: Oh hello, Roller coaster of Emotions

Hello Friends today is day 109 sober, it’s been a really good day. I did have a Rollercoaster of emotion the other day. Day 106 sober. My post was more a feeling rant. What I am noticing is I am learning how to feel life again and deal with the emotions that come with sobriety. I hope I did not worry anyone, nothing will take away my sobriety. Its number one and the rest will follow. The last few days, I had to accept the universe decision, I know there is a bigger picture my round eyes probably cant see at the moment but I know The universe has something huge in store for me. I just have to stay focus and embrace life, how I am suppose to. Sobriety doesn’t solve all my worries it just gives me a clear mind so I can make a decision and heal. I am going to have ups and downs and probably feel hurt again but what’s amazing is I am not wanting to drink. I am so proud that I can become sad to that extent I was that night and not want to use.

 

Getting sober, break up. losing everything is really hard but possible to overcome and what’s even more crazier is you can go from that too writing a book and that my friends just shows you the power of sobriety. People in recovery are the strongest people I have ever met. Dealing with addiction and trying to be a better person everyday takes endless amounts of courage . Some People who are non addicts don’t try and be the best them everyday. Also the loved ones who stick by the addict are also the strongest people I know because my loved ones were fighting my addiction and dealing before I deiced to fight myself and continue to love me and support me. That’s why they are my hero’s. Vince mother, Vince, my stepmother, Vince friends and family, my friends, my family. They were fighting before me and it feels good to know their pain was not in vain. So grateful for them and their love. there are no words.

 

Side note: I learned when I like someone I forget how to speak in normal talk I Stutter and get so nervous

 

I have five days off coming up and I want to do a mini trip somewhere and also write, write, write. It really helps me clear my mind and stay focus. My goal is to have my first draft complete by Monday and hopefully soon you guys can be reading my book. Today I am grateful for love, friends, work, and writing and for pain that makes me stronger and the fact that I am felling pain means I am alive and that is a blessing in itself. Sober is the New Black

 

Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

Vance joy besides being hot and a great singer, is a brilliant artist Riptide is perfection

 

DAY 81 Sober: A Poem a day

Hello friends today is day 81 sober, Today been such an amazing. I’ve been in bed most of the day. I was beyond tired after work. I wrote a few poems today. I am finding a new love that is poetry. It helps me get these feeling out. I was in the middle of my series of poems when I was inspired to start a new series, both will be finish soon. Then off to be Publish, Its crazy to know I am living a dream, a dream not in my head; it’s more of a feeling that I feel come over my skin. It’s hard to explain. Like an out of body experience with heighten senses.

But a dream only made possible from staying sober, man if I knew how it felt I would have done it years ago saved so many heartbreaks. My 90 days are coming up, no plans yet, maybe a steak dinner. People talk about being humble, which I am trying to always be but I want to celebrate every moment that I am sober. I deprive myself for so long from life and I am now in the moment, dancing, laughing, writing, and loving. I feel like my life will be a constant celebration even if my surrounding are not matching, life going to happen whether I like it or not, I just need to be so in love with life the ride will be fun and It will be easier to pass through hard times. I want sobriety over, fun, money, fame, love, over everything. I am learning how to fall in love with the essence of sobriety; it’s been pretty easy. I have not craved a single drop of booze in almost 3 months, which is unheard of with the old Adolfo. I don’t put myself around people, places or things that might trigger that but even if that trigger appears the buzz of this dream is so much greater than that whiskey thief that robs me of everything. Including life. Sober is the New Black. Five things I am grateful for is for love, sobriety, the readers from all over the world, poems, and for people in recovery who are walking beside me, reaching out a hand if ever darkness appears.

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

Poem 4

Poem 4

Lykke li Dance, dance, dance is so amazing. Words can never make up for what you do, so now I dance, dance, dance