1000 Days Sober

Hello Friends,

Today I’m 1000 days sober. I feel nothing but gratitude for the wisdom I’ve gained in my time sober. I know myself more than ever, “who I am” and “who I am not”.  I clearly see my innate gifts and what my issues are.  Since my mind is clear and sober i get to act on my innate gifts while working on my issues. Issues I find deep in my soul. There’s still a lot of learning ahead. Some lessons will be through pain and some will be easy. I just have to accept whatever the universe gives me. Know there is a reason why things happen. I might not be able to see the lesson right away so I just have to accept what is. The lesson might arrive later once the pain subsides. I can’t always know why everything happens, i just have to accept that it does. I can’t run or hide or bury what is, i have to fully embrace it and make the necessary changes. The universe is very powerful and has magic  my human eyes can’t always see. I just have to stay open for the lesson.

I’ve been working on my first novel that has turned into a three book series. I use to think it had to be done right away or within a years but I can’t rush this process, I just have to let it come alive. All three books are basically done and the editors are ready but I am still making some small adjustments. There’s only been one person to read through all three books. This person is an avid reader, who usually finishes two books in one week. They loved the series so that was huge relief and a boost in my confidence. Right now I am in a stage called “The Middle” that’s in between the realization of the goal or dream and the achievement. I am finding “The Middle” to be the most important part because it defines the destination. The middle has also been the most fun because it’s where I am most creative. The middle might is where i spend most of my time, so I have to enjoy it. I have to allow space, failures, growth and change to happen. The middle part is where I see what needs to be change, what work needs to be done, and it allows me to put in a plan of action. In this stage I have to be kind to myself and enjoy the ride, dream big, and put in the work. I’ve been writing six hours a day for the past two years. The middle part has taken time but it’s necessary. My persistence overpowers my failures. Failures are necessary and rejection is inevitable, but it’s not the end destination.

 

I don’t have all the answers on how to stay sober or be successful in life, all I can do is work towards my goals and dreams. All I can do is live one day at a time and try to be present in each day. I know that my ego is the creator of all misery. If I’m upset or angry somewhere in that pain is ego. I know I will always have Alcoholism, Alcohol-Inside Self and Mind. I know my disease centers in my mind that creates the body craving. That’s why I have to always be aware of the mind voice, but it has gotten very quite since I’ve been sober. As of now, my true self seems to be stronger than my disease but I know it wont always be this way. There will be extreme pain ahead, people will die in my life but my recovery program is my safety net. My second year sober has been pretty effortless but there have been some life challenges. I now face life challenges head on and embrace those uncomfortable feelings instead reaching for a drink. Feeling life is very important in recovery, feeling everything and not burying it. So I cry when I need to or laugh when I want to. My feelings now live on my skin and not underneath whiskey poison. Burying my feelings will create an infection that creates holes in my soul. When holes in the soul are created we try to fill them with outside false happiness like shopping or food or sex but the goal is the not let the holes get there in the first place. So I can’t bury my feelings I have to embrace my feelings. The more challenges I face in life, the more wisdom and strength I will gain. If life becomes too hard, drinking is off the table, I can write or do something that can calm my soul. I’ve only had one craving for that whiskey poison and that was in my first months sober, cravings have seemed to vanish. I make sure to stay grateful for my sobriety, if i wasn’t sober than i would have nothing. My home, my partner, my family or friends. Human connection is the most important thing in my life.

The longer I am sober, the more I forget that I was once an addict. Since being sober I have created so many amazing memories, it seems like the new great memories are erasing the old past pain. The past is the past, it’s not my current moment. I can’t use my infected past guide my day or I can’t react to the present with the past. Now that I am sober, I have a clear slate to create anything I want.  The past doesn’t play over and over in my head, I no longer feel that deep shame of my past addiction. We are not our addiction symptoms, not the past pain, the shame or guilt of hurting loved ones. We are the courage and strength it took to change, that’s our True self.  There has been a lot of happy memories made in my 1000 days sober and I focus on those. I no longer wake up to blackout crimes or wake up with hangovers, now I wake up to goals and dreams. I’ve been working on achieve those. If we can overcome addiction, just imagine what else we can accomplish. If we took that hard work  and dedication we put into our recovery program and apply that into a relationship or career we would see success in those areas.  Meeting small goals in life will build confidence and small goals lead to big goals or life changing goals. Small goals are very important and should be celebrated, like making a month sober, how incredible is that. The courage it took just to get sober for a month, go for another month. Months add up and eventually you will be a year sober, and years add up too.

The people I lost due to my addiction are back in my life, but my relationships are better than before. I feel a deep connection to the people in my life, it’s as if my compassion and empathy for other humans have grown. I love bigger and unconditional but not just other i have deep love for myself. I feel like i am own greatest fan and best friend. I treat my body, mind and soul with deep respect. Our body is the only real home we have. I now understand what it means to be good to other humans and  enjoy human connection more than ever. Every single day I try to be as present as my mind allows. I trust others but more importantly I trust myself in taking charge of my life and making decisions.

Healing is not about becoming happier, or feeling bliss all the time. Healing is more of letting go of everything that isn’t my true self. Letting go of child abuse, letting go of my traumas, letting go of the addiction, letting go everything that is preventing my full potential and only than am I healing, and left with my true self.

Below is some New Poetry  since my last blog post.

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Stay Connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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DAY 342 Sober: A sensitive person

A hello friends, today is day 342 sober. Its 2:48am. I am sitting in my bathtub. Ill probably post this in the afternoon. I felt I needed to get this out before I head to sleep. I’ve always been a very sensitive person. At times I feel like my heart lives on my skin. Being sensitive I believe is a gift. I’m always in tune with my feelings. Compassion flows through me effortless, cautious about taking action, and more carefully considers options and possible outcomes. Being sensitive helps me with my poetry and writing, also at times I feel my five senses are more vivid whether it’s touch, scent, or a beautiful view.

Being sensitive can also be hard at times especially when you are no longer numbing yourself from substance. As a kid I was so sensitive it was hard for me to connect with others. I didn’t have much friends. I was a loner, an introvert closing myself off so I wouldn’t get hurt from others. I was already being hurt at home and a child could only handle so much pain.

Now that I am an adult it seems people harsh comments about my blog or poems could put me in a funk that might last a day. I sometimes feel I have to explain why is it that I am so open about my past addiction. I hope it helps somebody who might be having a hard time believing in sobriety or maybe it might inspire someone to stop using. People can Google day one sober or day 167 sober and sober are the new black will pop up. They can see what I was going through that day and maybe somewhere in that post they can relate or connect, helping in some way. I’m trying to make everyday count in my sobriety. I knew from day one  I could never be anonymous. I want to be a voice an advocate for sobriety. By openly sharing my story. Some people who don’t suffer from this disease see addiction as more of a choice, than a metal and body disease. I hope to bring awareness and understanding, that we who suffer never planned on being a addict. Yes active addicts have horrible symptoms and side effects that can lead to criminal acts.

 

A person shouldn’t be define by their disease or symptoms they are so much more.

My dreams now involve wearing year sober shirts in public so the world can see you can have a past addiction and still achieve dreams that were once unimaginable. Live a happy life. Have love, I might even wear a 5 years sober shirt under my wedding suit because without sober I would not have anything. Making me grateful for every big and small thing I have.   Sober is the New Black.

Yesterday someone made a comment that affected me the great portion of the day. Basically stating I wasn’t a real poet. Writing is in my blood and my poems are my purpose. Me being a sensitive person I got hurt and I shed some tears. It brought me down and that voice we all have in our mind made me feel less talented, I wasn’t following the guidelines of making art (which I don’t think there is), I started to question my truth. I did not have a craving because of it, which I am so grateful.

I spoke to a great friend throughout the day who words helped me. I’m publicly showing my poems, sobriety and soon to be book. People are always going to have an opinion. I know some might not like it. I am ok with that but the ones who are just rude I have to ignore. I do believe this blog and poems are connecting with others. I can’t waste energy on people who are committed to not liking or understanding me. I also can’t let others define me or make me question my true self.

I will keep writing, writing, and writing until I’m on my deathbed and even than I’ll have some ideas for my next poems with a pen and paper. Sober is the new black

 

Here are some Poems I’ve written this past week.

 

My Addiction Stole people from my life but it needed to happen. So I can do it on my own. Making me beyond grateful to reunite healthy and happy

Hello

In order to change you must do the work and feel the pain to understand the lesson

Lightmatch

I am always here for my readers if they need help XOXOXO

home

All poems are my truth, life goes up and down. I’ve experience A lot of dark in my life. When i was younger it seemed i was cursed at love

Cursed

 

You and I are not our past. Don’t let childhood define our ambitions.

Breakaway

This poem is about the early stages of being sober. The first few days on the battle field

Battle

so this next poem might offend some people and for a moment i was unsure of sharing it. But this is my truth, This blog is raw and i have to be open. I cant sugar coat my past and I have to own every part of my life. Part of my recovery is Moral inventory. Before I moved to la. I was using drugs and booze I was very promiscuous, a floozy, whorish. Writing helps me take out all the dark stuff put it on paper detoxing my soul. I hope by me being honest it could help someone not be ashamed from with they did when they were using drugs or alcohol. Sober is the New Black

 

Whore

 

Stay Connect with Love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

Today I will shake off those critics.

DAY 161 SOBER: Loving me Whole

Hello Friends today is day 161 sober, It’s a beautiful day in Los Angeles. I needed some new optical glasses and headed over to little Tokyo, Warby Parker has some amazing glasses. I am now at my Favorite Coffee shop in Korea town. My goal this weekend is to write and spend sometime relaxing with my brother. I’ve been working ton of hours that allows little to no writing time. I am so grateful for the readers of Sober is the new black, This month the blog will be more active with my poetry, writing and starting some new aspects, That currently in the works. My book will be done in May and hopefully to print. Since I have gotten sober, I’ve had one craving about a month ago.

 The mind is so different this time sober because I shut down that craving quickly. It was a huge step in my recovery process in the past, I would dwell and suffer in that craving but I change my thought and reminded myself of step one. It vanished, Cravings are part of the recovery process and I use that experience as a test to see if my program is working. So far my program is working, it helped me get through it and no cravings since.

 

This week I was on instagram and found a photo of a monk and his brother, both so different. I love looking at people from a far or photos and finding a story. When I saw this photo it impacted me tremendously. People could read it as good or bad, I see it more as the monk accepting his brother whole, seeing him only in the light of love and not in his own opinion or ego. I want to start seeing people souls more as opposed to their life scars that lay on their skin. I don’t know their story or why they are the way they are. I am not here to judge but I am here to hold their hand while they weep. I am going to be 29 in a week and I want to start being kinder, letting go of mind funk that makes me feel lesser at times. I need to be kinder to myself.

 

I want people to see past my disorder, my chubby cheeks, the food I eat, past my old ways and see my soul, see the good in me. Yes my disorder hurt a lot of people caused a lot of tears but I am a changed person due to my recovery, Lesson learned and the wheels keep turning. The photo below is of a monk and  his brother, I hope today the readers suffer less and become fearless in the fight of sobriety. Sober is the new black.

 

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Sober is the New Black 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez