18 Months Sober: Finding True Self

Hello Friends today is 18 months sober, some time has past since my last blog post. In that time a lot of changes, growth, vacations and challenges have surfaced in my life, some amazing and some fearful. One thing remained the same. The want to stay clean and sober. Sobriety is the foundation to grow endless possibility. On November 11 2015 I turned thirty. I celebrated with family and loved ones. My twenties were filled with many beautiful lessons I will take into my thirty’s. In my thirties I will work towards a more balanced lifestyle in all aspect of my life, taking actions in facing my fears, working towards whatever my head can dream. Taking what I’ve learned in my twenties applying them in my thirties. I never thought I would make it to my thirties, but I now know its because of the higher power or ultimate creator, I will no longer take for granted this beautiful gift called life. Looking out the window knowing God created air for our lungs and our five senses to experience the beauty in life.

 

Everyday we experience something we will never experience again, you just have search and be open. Today I was driving and looked out a bumble in a window and at that moment a light shine through creating a beautiful pattern of colors, the minute I drove off it went away. Life is beautiful and moves quickly, slowing down allows our eyes to see the beauty in everything. Be inspired by the light shining in a cracked window to the dust floating in the light. 

 

One of my fears growing up has been a fear of flying so for my thirtieth Birthday I wanted to overcome this fear. For the first time I took my first plane ride. It felt incredible pushing past my fear. I even looked out the window as we landed bringing me to tears. The city lights glowing like a million stars in a galaxy.

 

 A while back I started finding the things I identify myself with. The “My’s” of life. When I say, “This is my home”, who is the one saying my home? That is “I” or the soul. The “my” and “I” should always be separated like two parallel lines that should never become one. They can work together throughout life but separating these two helps me find true self.

 

So I made a list of all the “my” in life.

 

My home and all the things in my home, my friends, and my family are all on the “My’” line. I can no longer identified myself with the “MY” of life. I am not my home or the stuff that surrounds me everyday. So I started to dive deeper in separating the “my” and the “I”. My past, my addiction, my situations, my current circumstances, and my experience’s are not “I”. They are here to teach me who “I” is but they don’t define me.

 

I don’t say I am past, I am ego, I am experience I say my past, my ego, my experience. The “I” is a soul having a human experience with the “MY”.

 

True Self is the ‘I” and is precisely what I am. Whatever remains after the separation of the “MY” is true Self. ‘I’ is the Real me. I am totally separate from everything that is mine. If I lost my home, a family member or friend, the “I” or true self remains whole.

 I am put on this earth to find true self and experience life with the human body. Striping myself from the “My” and “false self” becoming one with the “I” and soul.

 

Diving deeper, am I my emotions or feelings? I am not my emotions or feelings. Emotions are a beautiful thing that the body brings the soul to experience this thing called life but the soul or “I” controls the emotions and embrace’s them for exactly what they are.  Emotions are passing and will go away and the “I” or the soul is still left.

The I and soul are born pure and innocent, my natural state is joy and happiness

In my early stages of sobriety when I started striping away my false self. A fear of society came over me but I had to accept myself whole. What I like about myself, what I disliked about myself, everything in between. I had to be my own greatest fan and best friend. I also had to accept others for who they are without my own expectations or ego. My Relationships have improved with loved ones, friends and family. People who I lost due to my past addiction are coming back into my life. I no longer focus energy on what others think of me and focus my energy where it really counts: achieving my own personal growth and achieving dreams.

I am also becoming aware of my strengths and weakness. Building on my strengths, recognize my weakness and building that gap between the two. I believe connecting with my feelings and writing is strength but grammar can be a weakness so I work extra hours, or will eventually take creative writing class or hire an editor. Being aware of my weakness is a great gift to myself.

 

 I wore labels on my skin my whole life. I thought I was the label like an abused child, a drug addict and alcoholic, or my political stance, a writer, a friend. If I took away any of those labels do I become any less? No I don’t. If I lose my fingers and can no longer write. I am still whole inside. The “I” is still intact. I was in 3-year relationship that consumed my whole being. When we split up, I felt lost because I allowed my identity to become defined by “My” relationship. Those labels aren’t who I am. If I was a husband and got a divorced, I am no longer qualified as a husband and if I defined myself on that one label I would be lost when it gets taken away. The more labels I put on myself the more I bury my true self.

 

I use to thrive on the labels, a collection of pain. While in sobriety I came to find I am greater than any label. The labels and the “my” were ingrained in me by my past and parents. My mother is a catholic and so I grew up thinking I was going to be a catholic but as I got older I did not connect with those beliefs. Our parents have a huge part in burying our true self from what we are taught at an early age.

 

Letting go of the Ego is hard but is done in small sections like the tree in my stepmother yard. We can’t just lift it out of the ground and throw it away but instead we’ve been cutting off pieces at a time. The same approach is with letting go of the false beliefs that make up my ego. Detaching myself from individual thoughts that reinforce my ego. Letting go of beliefs, separating True self from false identity. I have spent years building my ego living inside my mind, and reinforcing it through my thoughts, feelings and actions. It will take a while to learn just like any subject in school or riding a bike for the first time.

 Important things to learn or worth doing takes time and practice.

I work six months out the year and have six months off, the work season has slowed down, so I can spend more time writing, blogging and working on the second draft of my book. I have some vacations in the works going back to my hometown of Palm Springs ca. Hope you all have a great Sober Thanksgivng. Sober is the new Black

crowns

 

darkness

 

each day

 

feel

 

GOLDPOEM

 

ODAAT

 

peace

 

sync

 

 

healing

 

 

SIA music is poetry that comes alive, bringing me inspiration. Bird Set Free is incredible.

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DAY 317 Sober: Holes in ones soul

Hello friends, today is day 317 sober. In 10 months sobriety I have felt more inspired in my life than I have ever been. Even more inspired than when I first get sober. I realize my disorder centers in my mind that leads into the body. The roots are in mind and body in the form of thoughts, Emotions, the way I see the world. Once the roots are pulled out than I am left with holes in my mind and soul. I have to now create positive thoughts and feelings towards myself. When I first got sober and pulled those roots out the body cravings left right away. Cravings will come but less and less. They will not be stronger than my truth.

 

I also believe every time someone goes through some traumatic experience it creates holes in their soul, if it doesn’t heal than those holes stay. In the past I would fill those holes up with booze, clothes, substance, sex, anything to make me feel whole and happy. Those things of instant-gratifications, those fillers don’t last long they are a false happy. At the time they made me feel happy, whole and warm but soon faded still leaving the holes so the appetites grow. The Holes are not supposed to be filled only healed. I had to stop filling those wholes up with outside stuff and start to heal inside. I do believe people become whole in points of their lives but someone will pass close or a traumatic experience will happen again creating holes but this time I can heal properly with letting go, my higher power, learning from the lesson and acceptance.

Some traumas I experience might take longer to heal and some might even take years with waterfalls of tears but I have to grieve not numb. Understand and live in the bigger picture of life and not stay in small circumstances that happen in ones life. Sober is the New Black

The past few days I’ve been in a writing mood, staying up into the early mornings of the day. Here are some of my poems that I hope inspire others

 

 

The first poem is when I am having what seems like a bad day, its my job to find the good.

each day

 

 

Changes always start with thoughts. Changing the way I think to positive ones makes it easier to overcome everything

change

We all have thoughts in the mind that is not who we are. They are from past traumas that feed use lies preventing us from reaching our full potential. EGO

ego

 

We all have been to places, not so great places. Places we want to never go again. These are some of i speak of

i know places

Feeling sad can be used as fuel for change turning it into a blessing. Its a great opportunity

disguise

 

Sometimes I have remind myself that I am not living in yesterdays mistakes or tomorrows worries, bringing back to now in peace

now

 

Whenever you are feeling a bit down, the only thing that can help is going inside finding that higher power that’s in us all.

natural high

 

I always write with emotions and my truth. I had a not so great childhood like millions of others. This one was a bit hard to write but necessary to get out what i needed at the time. I had all forms of child abuse and it’s about healing old wounds that become holes becoming whole. connecting dots from childhood too addiction. I am not my past, I am who I choose today.

holes in soul

 

 

Sia is one of my favorite artist. She suffered from addiction in the past and her last album 1000 forms of fear is so inspiring. The is her latest music video featuring another amazing artist in name Maddie Ziegler. Hope you enjoy big girls cry

 

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

Day 126 Sober: “Clean” poem

Hello Friends today is day 126 sober, I am excited for the weekend! I’ve been working and writing. This weekend my goal is to get out from behind my mac and see with these sober eyes. Feeling so grateful for life and for this sober mind that has given me so much life and potential. This poem below explains how i feel inside at the moment. everything in life inspires my writings, to addiction, to sex, love, heartbreaks, even men. Sober is the New Black.

 

photo-14

 

Sober is the New Black

Stay Connect with love. Adolfo Vasquez 

Day 16 Sober: A Sober kid with a Broken heart

 

Day 16 sober and loving life. I am in Downtown LA at grand central market. It is such a beautiful day, people watching and enjoying a Macchiato. I am trying to start living in space were I do what I want and stop doing things I don’t want to do. Of course I have to clean my apartment and pay bills but I want to enjoy life in every moment and always be doing something I love doing, as long as its healthy and I stay sober.

 

I have not spoke out or talked to anyone really about March 5, that night was a huge learning lesson for me. It’s very uncomfortable for me to speak about it but its necessary for my healing and this will be last time I speak about it.  Know need relive a moment that still is affecting Vince and myself.  Here we go….

             

                                                ACT ONE: The Incident

I left sober living on March 2 at that time I had already relapse in sober living and know one knew. I got my apartment keys on the 2nd and I was on my way to my rock bottom. I was in a really bad place. My mind was filled with thoughts like Vince and I are done forever. Every person I consider a friend was gone. My family wasn’t in LA so I had no one to cry to. All I had was my infected mind, booze and a very thin sleeping topper from a bed. At the time I did not realize I was in that place because all the choices I made. Going to back up a bit, A few days before I had gotten drunk at Beer Belly and franks n hanks my frequent local bars close to my old apartment. I still had the keys to my old apartment so I was wasted and didn’t want to drive to my new apartment so in the middle of the night I decided to crash at my old place without Vince permission. I just missed home and want my old life back in selfish way. So I open the door crash on the couch and Vince was pissed! So pissed he took my keys away and I am glad he did…. So back to march 4, I went to yard house with a friend. I was pre drinking before we went to yard house. At yard house I had around 70 ounces of IPA Green Flash beer. My friend had to leave and I stayed behind. I got a call for a new job offer that I was so excited about so I called Vince to let him know and of course I sounded drunk and so he called me out. When I get drunk I turn into someone else, I blackout. I say horrible things to people and get very mean. I had never hit anyone and never acted out my threats. So we argued and I don’t remember much, drunk texting. Finally I decided to drive to Vince. Not sure why? all I know is I wanted to be on that couch. I get to the apartment and banged on the door and he wouldn’t answer, don’t remember what I said but it lasted for a while. I did make a threat saying I would bash his windows in. I also tried to get in from the window in the alley.  So he didn’t answer and my drunken infected mind decided to pull the fire alarm so he had to get out. So I did. Vince never came out so it made even more drunkenly stupid So for the first time in my alcoholism I acted on my threat and keyed Vincent car. I then left home.

 

 

                                                ACT TWO: Repercussions

The next day I woke up with this extreme guilt and shame I had never felt before. I did not speak to anyone the next couple of days expect Vince and his mother. If I did not loose Vince before I sure did then. My horrible decision put me in front a judge and got me a 3-year restraining order. I paid for the car to get fix and I still did not get it at the time.  I continued to drink afterwards. I was still extremely heart broken, my mind was still infected with those negative thoughts and booze was the only consistent thing in my life at the time. This was my first break up and I didn’t know how to endure pain and to grief in a healthy way added with an addiction. Break ups and addiction are really hard to come out of at the same time. I went Amanda Bynes, Lohan, Brittney melt down crazy fueled by addiction.

 

                                         FINAL ACT: Lesson

Now that I am sober I can look back and find a lesson in it all, I couldn’t at the time but I know in my heart everything had to happen to get me here at this moment writing.

 I had to meet Vince to get me to LA and call me out on my mental disorder and shine a spotlight on my issue, show me real love, show me what life can be like, and to fight my battle because at the time I couldn’t. Vince at the time saw something in me, something great that I couldn’t see at the time. Buried under all my pain he saw a bright light. So he did everything he could so that light can shine out but vince fought so hard, he couldn’t anymore. I had to get caught drinking again so Vince can kick me out so I can end up in sober living because that’s were I found an AA called primetime that planted a seed in my mind that made me realize it was a mental disorder and body disorder called ISM. I had to get to my own place to hit rock bottom and to make a mistake so big that the universe took everything away so I had to evolve. I Caused the universe to take everything away because I did not want to start doing my work and living my truth. My choices caused all this to happen. The reason why I was in that dark place is because I allowed my mental disorder to take over my mind.

 

I now realize, my amazing family and friends never left, they have always been there but I AM THE ONE WHO ALLOWED MY MENTAL DISORDER TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. I pushed them away. I have always been surrounded by love but was mentally incapable and disabled to see it, understand it, feel it, appreciate love, Nurture my love Vince; I wasn’t able to fully connect with friends, family. But this had to happen so I can truly learn how too. As a young kid growing up I was never given the tools to deal with life.  I am not perfect now and don’t want to be I do however want to be whole and a better me. I will work really hard to achieve it. I cant go back in time and I am sure I have put a bad taste in peoples mouth but right now at this moment I cant focus on those people I can only focus on myself healing, staying sober, letting go and building relationships with the ones who are in my life now.

 

Vince I see the light now and it is shining so bright it causes tears of joy. I want you to know if it wasn’t for you and your love I would have died. I can now experience the life I have always deserved. The lesson is Sober is my new black.  Everything I have ever needed was already inside of me waiting for me to see it, feel it and let it flow through me into the universe. Thanks ELF!

 

“Somewhere beyond right and wrong there is a garden, Ill meet you there”

 

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo