Day 85 Sober: To loved ones I hurt

Day 85 sober, Hello friends today is such a wonderful day. I’ve been writing away. Just took a break. So I can post this. Life will happen and sometimes I might disagree or not understand it but it’s not my job to understand everything at the time it happens. I just have to surrender them to my higher power. Some lessons are so quite and so transparent the human eyes and ears can’t detect it. Life will hurt but I love myself and I am alive. I sometimes wish with all my might, I can take back the things I’ve done, sometimes i feel like those are still here to haunt me.

 I need to stay focus. I will never drink I know that but I might still weep from those things I’ve done. It’s getting easier but hearing the trauma I caused my loved ones, I can’t help but feel a bit blue. I am no longer those things, I am someone new, with a new mind. I have to let people heal on their terms because their feelings are valid. I can’t make someone heal. I just want people to know me now, the real me. The one who always wants to laugh, dance, sing karaoke, have game nights, value connection, and wants to love. I am no longer that emotional mess that is self absorb with drunken blackout.

 I wish I can wipe away my loved ones worries with a snap but I cant. I just have to show them the change me, let them get to know the new me. What I am realizing is recovery isn’t just for the addict it might be for the whole family. With that said if there is anyone out there who is reading this that I hurt in anyway due to my old drunken ways, I am tremendously sorry, there are not enough words nor poems I can write to take away that memory or pain your heart felt. I am no longer that abused child who was beaten black and blue that was scared of  life, that molested little 3 year old who drank because he suffered; I am a courage’s soul who stands tall,  deeply in love with himself, who wants to be the best he can with every moment of life. Who wants to spend the time building healthy relationships. I now live in place of  understanding and gratitude. I now use my past for  fuel instead of the excuse. I hope one day we can make a million great memories for each bad one.

Sober is the New Black. I am grateful I am feeling life even if it hurts a bit, I am grateful for love, for second chances even if doesn’t work out, for dreams that keep me focus, and for sobriety

 

In Jason Mraz words I wont give up, even if it doesn’t work out 

 

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

DAY 73 Sober: Learning Something New Everyday

Hello friends, today is day 73 sober, I just woke up from an amazing nap, I could have slept more but I need to get up and write. Writing for me has been such a helpful healer. Also I also love the fact I can go back if I need to remind myself or reflect. Writing has force me to go deep and heal my inner self, and has cleared my mind. People have been reaching out from all over the world, people who are in recovery and people who have family members who are currently suffering. There a few that do not understand Sober is the New Black but I can’t waste energy on people who are committed to not understanding me. I am grateful for all the people who are sharing their stories. They are my teachers and I’m up for learning.  I am at a busy cafe near downtown LA. Yesterday I was here and a coffee shop boy saw me writing away, he walked over pulled up a chair and asked me what is it that I was writing. That never happens, I was shocked and coffee’d up so a bit nervous. I was working on my series of addiction poems. He wanted to read them; I love readers so I let him. I need to see the reader point of the poem and she if my point came across. He said they were dark I can see that. He also mentioned he seen me before ordering coffee and I should cheer up a bit. Which is surprising because I am usually smiling. I told him I was either tired or focus. He wasn’t bad on the eyes and we chatted the rest of the night. He actually works at the coffee shop. That Incident got me thinking; on how far into a meeting someone new do I let them know I am in recovery. Should it be the first thing I mention and should I prepare for ignorant questions, which is fine not everyone understands it. 

I want everybody to know the space I am in and they can choose if that’s ok with them but if not than oh well. I know I am only 73 days sober but I was wondering if it’s easier to date someone in recovery, do two addicts mix well. I also cant put to much thought into it, I have to let the universe do its job and I cant help who I fall for. That guy was really nice and made me laugh the whole time, which are pluses.  No digit’s, need to focus on myself. I wouldn’t mind a cuddle buddy. Companionship is something I miss about being with someone. Let them know how my day went. Today I found out I am a great basketball player. I want to start trying new things and a friend was playing so I decided why not, I have great shooting technique and made most of the 3 pointers. I am five four, gay, and inactive so finding that out was so empowering! I will continue to play basketball. I love workouts that don’t seem like workouts, tennis, Racquetball, and swimming. Now I can add Basketball. For A brief moment my father force me into little league, which was horrible experience. Sober is the New black. I am grateful for my friend the reader, for basketball and for that coffee shop boy who took time out his life to bring me a laugh.photo-7

 

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo

 

Fleetwood Mac Landslide is amazing and just wanted to add it to this post. Love me some Stevie Nicks

DAY 70 Sober: Writers Bliss

Hello friends today has been an amazing 70 days sober, I am at a cafe writing away. I just finish a great writing session with a coworker. He is a great writer, brilliant thinker. This was are first session,  sure not the last. I finish my first poem that is perfect, stamped and approved. I need 11 more to go. You know when the poem is perfect, it more of a feeling inside yourself, nothing can be changed or nothing can be added. It is what it is, its own living breathing thing. I am grateful for being sober because it has brought me endless possibility. I was unaware of the process it takes to create a book, The rewrites,  I have always been very insecure when it comes to anyone reading my work but its a dance between the writer and the reader and I need my point to comes across clear. My vision. 

I will  continue the process,  I need balance so i did my mental work and long term work now ill be watching some mindless TV with some junk food. Yesterday i spent the day with Lenny, I love spending time with her she makes everything very comfortable, being myself without hesitation, and we love to laugh at each other. Everybody needs that friend. I start back at work tomorrow, Ill probably be laying low for the rest of the week, I need to force my creativity to flow at home. So i have to work on that muscle also i need to carry a note pad and pen everywhere. I have a forget full mind and my mac and phone are not alway accessible. So far i have achieve my goals for today. I feel very blessed and beyond focus, beyond driven. I know great things are on the horizon. I feel it with every cell and bone because with every cell and bone i know booze will not be that blockade any longer. Life is to amazing not live sober and clear minded. Sober is the New black. I am grateful for fellow writers, for healthy criticism, and the opportunity to build healthy relationships. 

Saw this video of Ingrid Michaelson and loved it

Stay connect with love, Adolfo