Day 327 Sober: Amy Winehouse

Hello friends, today is day 327 sober. I’ve been under the weather with a cold. While having the cold I got food poisoning. The worst. Today is the first day I have the strength to write. The whole time I was sick I wanted to recover quickly so I can get back to sober is the new black. Writing helps me self reflect. When I’m not writing I feel stagnate, stuck and without a purpose. Just floating through life without really living.

 

When I was an active addict I was obsessed with Amy Winehouse, her music was so raw and in a way very rebellious. At the time I wasn’t aware I was an addict. I knew I would drink in abundance, was in a dark place. I wasn’t aware that everything that was going wrong in my life was due to substance abuse. The universe kept giving me signs with every car I crashed, with every friend I lost, with every fight that happen. I connected with Amy Winehouse music on so many levels. Now that I’m sober I still love her music but now my perception of her and her music has changed. I see an artist that was suffering, trying to find herself through her music. Lost and a bit disheveled not rebellious. Her behavior, which seemed reckless at times, was just a symptom from the mind and body disease. I feel a bit sad she was never able to overcome her addiction . Her music will live on and her life can be a lesson “addiction doesn’t discriminate; rich, poor, black, white, gay or straight”. If I kept on being an active addict it would have put me six feet under. I am so grateful for the awareness sobriety has brought me. When she past I was in complete shock, that day i felt a bit heavy with sadness. Even after her death i kept on using not seeing Amy tragic end as a lesson or wake up call.

 

When I was in my early 20’s I would never look towards the future. I was only looking for the next instant gratification which was getting high, buzz, getting off, money, shoes Etc. I didn’t care about the future or long-term goals because I didn’t think I was capable of anything great. My mind would feed me False lies from a dark past. It was so easy using my dark past as an excuse for my behaviors and habits. My infected mind wouldn’t allow me to see possibility, a great future, happiness, love, self worth. It kept feeding, past hurts, childhood stories, false self.

Just because one is sober the mind still can feed those negative stories but once you find a program that works and start healing. Those negative stories become strength. I now can go back, reflect and speak about my past without feeling hurt or anger towards them. It gets easier separating me from the mind and body disease. Catching those negative stories. Shutting it down in seconds. Sober is the New Black.

A new Documentary coming out this summer called Amy is about the rise and fall of Amy Winehouse. Opening our eyes to the real Amy. She was not her addiction. She was something greater.

One of my favorite performances from Amy is so raw  you can feel every word in her voice.

https://youtu.be/KI3jwb4JZmY

 

Here are Some of poems I’ve Recently birth.

Feel free to share my poems, just credit me.

You can find all my poems on my instagram https://instagram.com/soberwriter

 

No matter how dark the night, or how bad you feel. The sun will rise and a new day will shine. arise

We are all different and have unique qualities. making us perfect and one of a kind.

Little star

When I was a child, I wanted to fly away to a new life far from the one I had. I was lonely, abused, hurt and did not trust anyone. I know there might be other kids running away. When they are stronger and ready to come home. love will embrace them.

 

 

satellite

I’m very grateful for knowing and feeling true love.

his

There will be times when life gets hard, people that we love will pass. We cant give up or forget who we are in the chaos of life

look up

There are times when i lay in bed thinking I could have reacted better or done that better but when i lay in bed knowing i was the best me. That’s when i feel most beautiful inside and out.

beautiful

once you heal and let go.  happiness, joy, gratefulness, compassion will grow

seeds of change

I wrote this about my past addiction switching from cocaine to Alcohol

Overdosing

We all have moments of connecting with others. Whether its love or lust, I will not let my mind close me off to love. Or have expectations of love. Just be in the moment and enjoy their company.

magnolia trees

In the past i would let my circumstances dictate how i acted and saw the world. My life at the time define every part of me but i realized i am not my circumstances, I will create my life starting with my thoughts. When I change the way I look at things. The things I look at change.

world

Helping and Inspiring others is the greatest feeling of all

Shooting star

When we break we heal back stronger than before.

Break Bones

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

DAY 317 Sober: Holes in ones soul

Hello friends, today is day 317 sober. In 10 months sobriety I have felt more inspired in my life than I have ever been. Even more inspired than when I first get sober. I realize my disorder centers in my mind that leads into the body. The roots are in mind and body in the form of thoughts, Emotions, the way I see the world. Once the roots are pulled out than I am left with holes in my mind and soul. I have to now create positive thoughts and feelings towards myself. When I first got sober and pulled those roots out the body cravings left right away. Cravings will come but less and less. They will not be stronger than my truth.

 

I also believe every time someone goes through some traumatic experience it creates holes in their soul, if it doesn’t heal than those holes stay. In the past I would fill those holes up with booze, clothes, substance, sex, anything to make me feel whole and happy. Those things of instant-gratifications, those fillers don’t last long they are a false happy. At the time they made me feel happy, whole and warm but soon faded still leaving the holes so the appetites grow. The Holes are not supposed to be filled only healed. I had to stop filling those wholes up with outside stuff and start to heal inside. I do believe people become whole in points of their lives but someone will pass close or a traumatic experience will happen again creating holes but this time I can heal properly with letting go, my higher power, learning from the lesson and acceptance.

Some traumas I experience might take longer to heal and some might even take years with waterfalls of tears but I have to grieve not numb. Understand and live in the bigger picture of life and not stay in small circumstances that happen in ones life. Sober is the New Black

The past few days I’ve been in a writing mood, staying up into the early mornings of the day. Here are some of my poems that I hope inspire others

 

 

The first poem is when I am having what seems like a bad day, its my job to find the good.

each day

 

 

Changes always start with thoughts. Changing the way I think to positive ones makes it easier to overcome everything

change

We all have thoughts in the mind that is not who we are. They are from past traumas that feed use lies preventing us from reaching our full potential. EGO

ego

 

We all have been to places, not so great places. Places we want to never go again. These are some of i speak of

i know places

Feeling sad can be used as fuel for change turning it into a blessing. Its a great opportunity

disguise

 

Sometimes I have remind myself that I am not living in yesterdays mistakes or tomorrows worries, bringing back to now in peace

now

 

Whenever you are feeling a bit down, the only thing that can help is going inside finding that higher power that’s in us all.

natural high

 

I always write with emotions and my truth. I had a not so great childhood like millions of others. This one was a bit hard to write but necessary to get out what i needed at the time. I had all forms of child abuse and it’s about healing old wounds that become holes becoming whole. connecting dots from childhood too addiction. I am not my past, I am who I choose today.

holes in soul

 

 

Sia is one of my favorite artist. She suffered from addiction in the past and her last album 1000 forms of fear is so inspiring. The is her latest music video featuring another amazing artist in name Maddie Ziegler. Hope you enjoy big girls cry

 

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

10 months sober

Hello Friends today is 10 months sober. It seems I had to learn most lessons the hard way.  I think the reason is growing up I had no example or foundation. No teacher teaching me love, self worth or encouragement.  When I first learned how to ride a bike I was six. It was a teenager bike with no helmet. My butt couldn’t touch the seat because my feet had to reach the pedals. I kept falling, crashing, cutting up my legs but I was determined so I kept getting back up. Eventually I got the hang of it.

I really wanted to learn how to ride a bike but did not have the proper tools like a bike for my age, helmet, knee pads or parents outside helping me but I knew I wanted to ride. After being bruised, hurt, bleeding. I finally LEARNED how to ride my bike. It took days but I was determined. The reason why this story is so profound is I took this learning into my adult life “Learning the hard way”

I was never taught how to receive or give love , or how to be a great friend.  I was just trying to survive. I wanted to love but my actions never met how I felt. Every person I would meet I thought would eventually hurt me. My parents were suppose to protect me and teach me how to be a man but instead they abused me in more than one way. When I turned 15, I went out on my own  without any tools.

I now have the proper tools so I don’t have to learn the hard way in some aspects of my life. When I was 6, if I had a bike my size,training wheels and parents teaching me.  I would have learned a softer way.

Now In my adult life my training wheels will be hope/faith and my helmet/protection will be the high power that lives in me. What will help me get back up, guiding me will be my sobriety. I might still learn the hard way with some stuff but I am willing to learn and I know my falls won’t be as hard because of my clean and sober mind.

 

Ill be traveling to Seattle in at the end of April, very excited for this trip. One of many in the works. I hope to meet some of my readers of sober are the new black. I’ve had some readers approach me in public, letting me know they are reading, following and that it helps them self reflect. It sometimes hard for me to comprehend that I can help someone in his or her sobriety.It brings me so much joy and tears. so grateful . When I started the blog it was just I documenting my struggles but I realized it turn into something bigger and I am very grateful.

Macklemore is a huge inspiration to millions. Their music touch my heart in so many ways. Today I got an email from Macklemore and his company congratulating me on my 300 days of sober. Right now he is working on his new album. Can’t wait for it to come out. The videos below are some his songs talking about Ben Haggerty addiction and recovery. I love hearing others speak out about their addiction and recovery. Someone will here those words that might save their life.

 

 

 

 

 

Here some of my poems i have written in past couple of days

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Here are some photos from Las Vegas

11083636_817818711619876_4282103624855735810_n Brandon Flowers

 

Stay connect with love Adolfo Vasquez

300 days of Sober

Hello Friends today is day 300 sober. It feels pretty amazing celebrating 300 days of sober in palm springs CA my hometown. Just Arrived at one of my favorite spots called Azul. Heading out to Las Vegas tomorrow.  I feel this new breeze of inspiration. In the beginning of 9 months sober I felt a bit of a haze of sadness. That has passed and feeling inspired again. I guess even people who don’t have an addiction go through periods of their life feeling a bit down. Sobriety forced me to self reflect, go inside myself finding my voice, inner light, find out why I was so self abusive. In doing so I found a love for poetry.

Poetry, poems, and prose are given life after I write them. They live on hopefully connecting with others. I hope they will Transcend from decade to decade. Even after I pass on. 100 years from now someone might read my poems and connect with it. Maybe it will help them, feel and understand what I meant in return keeping my spirit alive. Inspiring them to self reflect and heal encouraging them create art turning pain into inspiration.

When I am writing I feel free. No barricades, no filters, no boundaries. Away from ego and just my truth and feelings. I believe everyone is a writer and his or her life is the greatest story to tell. One can create their story in any art form, like photography, painting, writing, acting, creating clothes etc. Art is liberation. Liberation is where you find true self. That’s a place where I constantly want to live. Sober is the New Black

The past few months, I’ve been having dreams of my EX that would put me in a funk the next morning. The last two dreams was of him and his new boyfriend, in that dream I did not see him. I knew he was around because it was mention by others but I couldn’t find him. I just saw his shadows on the wall. It was like my mind was preparing me for a life without him or forcing me accept with is the truth. My mind did not want to see him yet. I did not wake up in a funk that time but an understanding.

The second dream I did see him face to face but he was unrecognizable, it was like I didn’t know who he was. He had long hair and tattoos. He would never. I feel that dream is telling me who I loved in the past isn’t who is today. I may be reading this dream wrong but Both dreams have been very therapeutic.

Last night I stay up a bit, scrolling trough old Facebook post. I went back to the beginning when Vince and I made it official Oct 29 2010. I wanted to see my old self, seeing old post brought me a sense of missing, not for booze but for his friendship. I also seen missed opportunities on my part that could have strengthened the relationship. I also saw myself as very stagnant no purpose, no fiery passion, and no sense of healing old wounds. That brought me another form of sadness, Vince never had the chance to see me blossom, what he worked so hard to help me with. I had some anger towards him recently but now I have no ill feelings. Sober is the New Black

I used to think Vince saved me but the reality was he taught me how to save myself and for that he will always be close to my heart.

In other news  Sober is the New Black apparel line is coming out in the next few months and my book will be finish in April than off to the editors. Who would have thought that this boy would be close to a year sober, with a book in the works, and an apparel line? Sobriety brings dreams that are so big my mind could not have thought it possible when I was at my rock bottom.  Well Vince always knew that it was possible for me to reach for dreams. Now I do and I will, I can and I did.

 

 

Here are some of the poems I birth this week, some joyful and some dark. All my truth in that moment.

 

I'm Possible

 

Days, weeks, years

 

Wine Stained Chains

 

11060835_10152808782801295_2927159436014427229_n

 

This song from Kelly Clarkson is my truth

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 295 Sober: Lack of Inspiration

Hello Friends today is day 295 sober. I just got to my favorite café in Korea town, this blog was started in k-town and I am sure one-day end in k-town. I am in my nine months sober and this month has been amazing but also a bit confusing. This month I have felt a lack of inspiration, my work season will be ending soon and I will have a few months of to do whatever I pleased.

Not sure were the lack of inspiration is coming from but it might have to do with me feeling my life isn’t were I thought it would be. Even with the lack of inspiration in my nine months I still did not have a craving for substance. The way I’m programming my mind is to always see the silver lining. 9 months is a huge deal but isn’t that long to have created a whole new life. I’ve been an addict most of my life so I can’t expect 9 months sober to change over 15 years of substance abuse. I just have to stay sober and work my shit out. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for what I have accomplished so far. Last year around this time I was in court due to my mind disorder. So looking back helps me see that every part of my life is going great without booze. Lately some negative thoughts have been creeping up in my mind and not in the form of wanting to use but in the way I see others and myself. I am happy to be aware of it so I can change the tune of that voice. I need to read more and hangout with my in light or others call it GOD. Its ok, to feel not feel ok. I just cant live in it and change whatever it is that’s is making feel not ok.

I’ve been traveling a lot and it’s been amazing. This coming weekend ill be headed out to Nevada. Very excited for that going for a concert. I am planning a month trip somewhere once my work season is complete. The season starts back up in August so ill have around 4 months off to write and work on sober is the new black.

 

I have always been a bit of an introvert and would rather sit and write or watch film than be out socializing. That is something I need to be working on. Lately I’ve been meeting some cool people, new friends and learning how to build healthy relationships. In the past if a friend offended me or did something that didn’t sit well with my ego I would cut them off. I didn’t realize any kind of relationship whether it’s a boyfriend, friend or family takes work to build a strong friendship. Like listening without ego, spending time, showing love in the form of actions not just words, making an effort etc. All relationships go up and down just grateful to have a clean mind to work it out.

I just want to stop losing people I love. I think the more I am sober the less likely people will leave my life and more likely stay. Sober is the new black.

 

 

Here are some poems that I have written the past few days, hope you enjoy some of these raw feelings

would you look at me you all you need is you dream vs grim tale

Completely not me from Jenny Lewis lyrics sing true to my heart. hope you enjoy it as well.

 

DAY 284 Sober: Why Would I choose to be an Addict?

Hello Friends,  Today is day 284 sober. I was visiting family in Bakersfield CA this past weekend. Every time I’m in Bakersfield, it’s like a great therapy session. Talking for hours with my aunts and stepmother. It’s great hearing them share their wisdom in life. Sometimes I think I am doing great and then his name spoken or an incident brought up from the past and my mind starts to go and go and go and go. I was a bit in a funk the first night there that lead into the next day. I have some hurt feelings still from my past relationship that I need to heal. I am aware there is no reason for these hurt feelings, he did nothing to hurt me. He came back into my life after I got sober and we tired to see where we both fit in each other life.  My feelings came back strong and It was his choice to not work things out. I worked so hard those months without him in my life,  becoming strong,  letting go only to become vulnerable, opening my heart up once more only to get hurt again. It wasn’t his fault and he was also confused. It’s been months and months since this happened and yet I still find myself being woken up with vivid dreams, some good and some hurtful. Sometimes those dreams bleed into the day and I try and try to shake them off but the only way for me to feel better is to cry and write.

Afterwards I was back to day one at failed attempt at love. What was also hard was this time I was sober in recovery and had a chance to really be the man I knew I was but being sober could not render that hopeful dream. Sobriety can’t amend others perception of me it seems. Some family members think that addiction is a choice I made. Why would I choose to be an Addict? I guess their minds aren’t opened up enough to realize that the pain i caused was symptoms of the mind disorder called addiction. Yes its my choice not to drink but making choices when you are in the midst of a suffering addict, those choices are not my own they are the Addiction. People might see it as an excuse or a cop out but I take full responsibility for my actions. I cant explain or give reasons for a person that is no longer me.

People who know me personally know that I am a bit Naive, air head, foodie, loves to laugh, loves to love, loves to sleep past noon, dislike morning hikes, Always say ” If that makes sense” That’s who I am, When I would drink Alcohol I made scenes, very jealous, cry all the time, get offended, say the most hateful things, blackout, those are the symptoms.

The real me wakes up the next the day, feeling guilty, shame, hurt, hating myself.  I tell myself I will never drink but that mind voice or addiction starts talking to me telling me to use. I did not have the proper tools to quiet that voice. Addiction is like living with two self’s. Some of the family members can relate to my EX  because they have been in a relationship with someone who suffered with addiction. My family loves him and still wants him to be apart of our family, which is something I need to find peace with. I love his family as well but need him completely out of my life at the moment so I can heal from open wounds. It’s been over a year since we broke up but a few months after I got sober we reconnected. Not sure if the hurt feelings are from missing him in my life or him not wanting me in his life all the time but I need him out, ugh sounds confusing.

It’s my issue to figure out, I have to remind myself I wouldn’t be here today sober with a strong foundation if it wasn’t for that breakup. I want to love again and be in love but I have to clear my eyes from the past so I can see love with a clean slate and not with fear. Not sure if I could ever love like I did but I know I will love smarter and make better decisions.  I will never give up on loving someone and I hope one day I can love even greater. Sober is the New Black.

If there is anyone in love with some who is suffering from addiction knows you will lose yourself trying to save them. The addiction becomes so huge consuming the relationship. My ex was never able to really deal with his issues because mine were overpowering. One day at a time. Sober is the New Black. I am not my drunken stumbles or the shame of causing pain to others but I am the person getting up everyday fighting to be a better me, whole and happy.  Today I will sit and write and weep.

 

 

One thousands

 

New gold Frames

Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

 

 

Thunder

 

Kate Nash Merry Happy is the perfect song for today.

 

 

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

Day 265 Sober: A Sober Valentine

Today is Day 265 sober; it’s been such a wonderful day. Tomorrow is valentine’s days. Last year I was in a sober facility in the valley trying to stay sober with a broken heart. I was confused, but I knew I wanted to be sober, but I relapsed a short time after because I did not know how to stop and I wasn’t at my bottom. When I look back I feel bad for my old self. I was trying to keep all together, just got out of 3-year relationship, Losing love was more difficult than staying sober. I had really nowhere to go, lost, scared and felt very defeated in life. I disliked myself in every way. Swimming in a river of guilt. Lonely to the extreme.

I now sit here in tears because I’ve come so far in my recovery; life is great in every aspect of my life. My rent is paid for the rest of the year. I am taking 5 months off of work to write, rewrite and live like a traveling nomad. Started investing in mutual funds for the future. Working on my book that will be finish in April 2015 I am still not the person I want to be but I will continue on in sobriety. I want to be more compassionate to others, less attach to material things, let go of needs, pray more, write more, live in the moment more, help others whether in service or poetry, surround myself with only positive and mindful people, take some creative writing class. So those are my short-term goals. I am also very inspired by dark and gritty might be from my past. I love using it in my writings. I do have some dark writings I’ve been working on; I don’t want to alarm people so I might just post them on Instagram and facebook. You can follow me at http://instagram.com/soberwriter

This valentine’s day I’ll be spending it with an incredible man who wants to take me on a date, excited and a bit nervous. Sober is the New Black. I hope you all have a wonderful Valentines day and know the most important love is for oneself.

These are some of the latest poems I cooked up

be

 

Alcohol

 

Died

 

 

Me at day 264 Sober

Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

 

Lykke Li is one incredible artist, writer and performer. Her music inspires me to feel, weep and heal. I hope you love this visually striking video

 

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

8 Months Sober

Hello Friends today is 8 months sober, today I feel content with my recovery process. I’m grateful for life, human connection, and for finding myself every day. I’m starting to understand what they mean by its not the destination its all about the journey. I have to embrace every circumstance life brings me with a positive outlook. Rewiring my mind to see the world in a positive way. The way I use to see the world and understand the world was with eyes molded from past pain, childhood traumas, low self-esteem and fear. All those intertwined caused my substance abuse disorder. I did not know how to have a human connection so I bonded with alcohol, now I am learning to see everybody in the light of love and understanding without ego.

Last week I felt empty and couldn’t understand why but a spiritual teacher by the name of Jesse Ann Nichols George spoke some words to me that really help me understand the feeling of emptiness. The feeling of emptiness is a sign of progression. I have emptied myself from the negative and I can fill my life with something new, mindful and purpose filled. Going to start pushing myself to write Short stories, still writing poetry but I need to push myself with my writing. I felt a bit stagnant so grateful for her wisdom.

At 8 months sober, my eyes see my surroundings in a different way, I notice things I have yet seen. Small stuff too big stuff from the crack in the wall in my apartment to the love that surrounds my life. My senses are heightened; I feel life to the extreme. I wake up happy, wanting to find purpose in every day. I finding myself in tears most of my days, happy tears also sometimes sober blues tears. Lately the reason is fear based that I am working on, I know if I just stay sober life will open up but I’m also working towards dreams and I get fearful that I may fail but even those fears won’t stop me from working my butt off. Sober is the New Black.

So if there is anyone early in recovery that might be having a hard time, just remember you are also detoxing the mind and your feelings will be up and down, if you just push on those feelings they will level out and life gets clear. The wanting or cravings might not go away right away, but you become so strong that you can change your thoughts to positive ones. That will help you get through the cravings. Take those painful feelings and create art, make it meaningful. It will bring so much joy and peace. Sober is The new Black

 

I’ve been working on this short story the past couple days, it’s called A boy and his Bear. Hope you like it.

A boy and his bear

A boy and his bear

Here is a poem I wrote yesterday, go to Disneyland, camping, eat some smore’s. It’s never too late

childhood

childhood

Me at 8 months sober

Adolfo Vasquez

Adolfo Vasquez

This video is of Ira Glass so inspiring if there is anyone who is an artist struggling must watch

 

This song from Ellie Goulding your song is for anybody who is struggling with recovery, it’s so wonderful and beautiful that you are alive in this world, believe that and also feel that in your heart. I love you so much.

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 211 Sober: Healing Trip

Hello, Friends today is day 211 sober. I am sitting at a local Restaurant called LuLu in palm springs ca. Looking at the night sky filled with bright stars with sober eyes. Never thought I’d be satisfied with life at the moment. I was expecting to feel uneasy my first major holidays being sober, but actually I feel a lot of peace. I know I will be around booze this holiday and came to terms with it. My sobriety is number one and my family knows that if I feel uneasy I will leave the holiday festivities. Me being in recovery shouldn’t prevent others from living their lives. Trips in the past consisted of me getting black out drunk most of my days, it feels great having a clear mind. Temptation and triggers will happen in sobriety and at those times I have to take it day-by-day, even moment-by-moment.

 

Saw my birth mother yesterday it was a warm embrace. She looks really good like she is also on a road to recovery. Talking to my mother has really opened me up in a life changing way. Growing up was very dark but speaking to her brought on a huge understanding and compassion on why my childhood was so dark. My mother has been abused most of her life by men, she used to help cope with her pain. At the moment I feel weightless from childhood, it’s really hard to explain but its like my eyes became bigger and I now see the whole picture frame. I found peace that allows me to move towards my future. I think it’s important to never forget the roads I walked, a lot of lessons, strength, and beauty in them. I do need to detach my emotions that will make me feel negative towards others and myself. My father is a different story, I always feel a bit uneasy and nervous around him, but I know it is necessary to heal that part. Not sure if this trip will be that trip. One hurdle at a time. My sobriety is number one and I need to take my healing slow so I don’t leave anything undone.

 

Last night I Party Sober, I went to a local club that I used to frequent, had so much fun dancing away with one of my best friends. I had no cravings for booze actually seeing everybody wasted brought on appreciation that I was no longer partaking in that world. Sober is the New Black. The rest of the trip will consist of more writing sessions and self-healing. I found myself driving around old places i used to live and places where I have been in hurt, once i leave that spot, I leave that pain. My own way of healing, I guess.

image

 

Stay Connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez