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December 13, 2014

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Day 203 Sober: Alone in Recovery

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Day 203 Sober: Alone in Recovery

Hello friends, today is 203 days sober, spending the day getting ready for my trip back home. So happy to see the desert stars and smells that desert air. Going back with a clear mind and focusing on healing childhood wounds is necessary for my sobriety. I grew up in a very dark childhood that consisted of all child abuse. Homeless quite a bit, so I know my childhood has everything to do with the way I saw my self-worth and how I saw people and how I reacted to life situations. I still don’t have a clear vision on why I started substance abuse with drugs and booze but in time I feel it will render.

I am feeling very content with being alone, its helps so I can focus on the areas I need the most work on. Being alone and loneliness was hard to separate in recovery because I felt like a part of me was missing but I came to realize that I am not lacking anything everything I need is already in me I just to create inside myself and the universe will bring to life. I am detaching from negative thoughts, opinions, all needs that I think I need. So I can sit still and not be blinded from my Ego. I want my Ego to become small and I need to always be aware so I can connect to others without pushing my old beliefs onto them. In recovery, I sometimes see people being unsupportive in others recovery process or kind of mean to others who are relapsing and I don’t ever want to be a dry drunk. I want to always have compassion for others because I was once them who kept relapsing on the same hand in recovery I never seen so much compassion and reaching out, The first week this blog went live, I was getting some people not so happy about me being vocal about my addiction and recovery process, even from my own family but a sober warrior told me to keep going and let my higher power guided my heart and so without her wisdom I probably would have stop. I don’t ever want to not speak out about my addiction because I want others who might still be using to know just cause you suffer from a mental disorder you are still capable of living out your dreams and living a happy life, you addiction doesn’t define you just like diabetes doesn’t define a diabetic. We just have to learn to separate oneself from the mind voice.

 

I am grateful for life, for my readers, for the love I am creating for myself that helps me love others unconditionally. I am grateful for my recovery that pushes me to becoming a better me. Sober is the new black.

 

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India Arie “video” is such a powerful song, sometimes in life I have to be reminded and be put back on track with loving me whole and if I am feeling a bit blue I play this on repeat until there is no question on how much I love me.

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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August 29, 2014

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DAY 98 Sober: Forgiving my parents Oprah Way, Sober Hangover

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DAY 98 Sober: Forgiving my parents Oprah Way

Hello friends, its day 98 sober. It’s has been a busy day but feeling very grateful for this sober mind that helps me get through the day. Around this time in the past I would be past out drunk, so glad I have more hours in my day to create from within. I have started working my second job, I am so grateful for it. The hours, pay and environment are great. It’s a type of job with tons of deadlines and pressure but I’ve done it for years and use to it. The difference this year is I am sober. In the past it was ok to have a drink and work, maybe even a bottle of wine or some Macallan 12. Now it will be a total different experience. Some Pellegrino or coffee will do.I don’t miss the feeling or even the taste of booze; the only thing I miss is hanging out, the social aspect, meeting new peeps. Right now I just don’t have the time to be out, I have a few things in the works for Sober is the New Black. I do miss the bar food, I am a huge foodie.

 

On my way to this café in Koreatown I was looking out the window and seen this guy who appeared to be homeless stumbling around with a beer bottle in his hand, this disorder is real and I have to always be aware of the mind disorder. I felt empathy because the only thing that separates me from him is my sobriety. I am glad I am aware of what will happen if I pick up again. I am one drink away from death so I can’t have a next drink.

 

Today I spoke to my real mom on the phone and for the first time, I had no anger for her or hate. I felt love, it was weird because in the past I would be really annoyed or short temper when see called. I am learning how to forgive her and not really for her but for me. I need to happy and I wont if I carry hate for my parents. Forgiveness takes time. Not only do I want to forgive them I want a relationship. I want them to know me and I now them, If they want. My mom was a bit upset when I started this blog but now she understand this blog wasn’t about her it was about me healing. No matter how many times I was abused by my parents I still long for a friendship. My parents are also addicts so going through my addiction has brought me a deep understanding of my parents. My mom isn’t in the best place but I know she is working for a better tomorrow. I still have a bit of fear when I see my dad, when I see him I get nervous and say only a few words. It will take some more work but I would like to be friends with my father. I am also realizing I don’t really need parents in my life. Everything I need is in me; I just got to create love, joy, security, passion and growth. I can create friendships with others by being the best me and attracting that in my life. I just hope my parents find the serenity I do in this moment. Sober is the new Black.

 

I have to share this video from Oprah Winfrey again it Change the way I forgive, so powerful and i hope it helps

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

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July 16, 2014

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DAY 54 SOBER: DOING THE RIGHT THING, Sober Hangover

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DAY 54 SOBER: DOING THE RIGHT THING

Good morning friends, today is day 54 sober! It’s almost two months and I am so proud of myself for getting this far. The journey has been very clean, no cravings. I’ve been going deep trying to find issues that I have from childhood and connect the dots when it comes to my adult thinking. I’ve also been praying and surrendering, which has been amazing. When I surrender, even when it’s a non-Alcohol issue, the universe seems to work everything out. For example I recently moved into a new apartment and before the move I was a bit worried about taking on all the responsibility that comes with having your own place. I have never lived on my own and one of the worrisome was financial Responsibility, can I do it. So I prayed and surrender it to my higher power, as I understand it to be. A few hours later I called the rental office to see how much my move in cost will be and they informed me that my rent is half off for a year due to a maintenance issue. My eyes are not meant to see the universe path, just to believe and surrender, Let the universe play its role. Like Oprah says I can dream this big of a dream but the universe can dream, dreams bigger than you can imagine. Surrender, gratitude, and doing the right thing are the kind of space I always want to live in.

 

Doing the right thing isn’t always easy when you are caught up in your day or ego or issues, its that moment when you see a lost person asking for direction and you have a smart phone you can easily put in the address and direct them. The moment you realize their struggle the inner voice tells me maybe I should help her, that’s the inner divine speaking to me, the inner spirit, that has always been inside. Than my ego says nope I wont because I will miss stop or I am on Facebook. The “I” is the ego. Always thinking about it self and never grateful. Doing the right thing, not for profit or for ego will be so fulfilling within. Matching my words with my actions are really soul rewarding. I used to stay up watching YouTube videos seeing people give homeless people money. It felt good, it gave me tears of Joy and I heard my inner self say I would love to do that, Than the ego says “I” am not rich, theirs the “I” again. It’s not really the giving of the money that makes me cry it’s the compassion and empty without judgment that makes me cry.  Empathy and compassion is the universal language we all understand and it connects are inner souls. It overlooks race, sex, religion, and politics, what country you are from, beliefs. I am grateful for life, a clear mind, and for Sober is the New Black

 

I’ve been obsessed with Maya Angelou for a while this video helps me understand what do the Right thing means. Hope you enjoy this video  

 

 

Stay connect with  love, Adolfo

 

 

 

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July 15, 2014

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DAY 53 SOBER: Wine Stain Pain, Sober Hangover

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DAY 53 SOBER: Wine Stain Pain

Hello friends, today is coming to an end of day 53 sober. It’s been an amazing day, I appreciate all the support I have been getting form Sober is the New Black. Recovery has been such a beautiful gift for my mind, body and soul. My eyes are focus straight ahead, no looking back, forward I go. I can’t waste energy turning my head back; it takes away from the energy moving forward. I feel like my body is still detoxing a bit. My skin is a bit Itchy and having some mild headaches but those will soon past. Creating a new normal is exciting but can also be a bit confusing at times, so used to some old habits and ways. Simple stuff  I miss like cooking but Cooking for one seems wasteful also now I have to clean my whole apt but I just want to do stuff that’s fun, and cleaning isn’t on my list of things I enjoy doing but its something I need to be better at. It takes a week to get the courage to clean my apt to only destroy it the next day. 

Today on my way to work their was this homeless man laying at the stoplight I was at. Its hard for me to pass by someone homeless and not give something whether in be food, a couple dollars or just a smile. I gave him a buck, only had cards but he smelled of booze, so much so I could taste it. It really shook me because that could have been me and Alcoholism is a progressive disorder if you don’t stop. I don’t know the mans story, if he became one after the streets or before but what is clear to me is he had a mother, brother, maybe a father, or maybe even a Vince but Alcoholism will take it all away.  Alcohol kills everything alive in your life and Preserves everything that is dead and yet it took 8 years to really understand what that means but I am grateful I made it alive to understand. Its nothing to take lightly and takes constant work, its not like a college were you get a degree in four years than move on, nope its more like life long school on oneself and the subjects are the 12 steps, your issues, past, metal thoughts, how to cope with emotions, AA, learning how to be of service. It’s a life long education on you and you have to really want it, really understand the work that is put into it.  

 I am an Addict so I know how to do misery, victim, easy way out, hurting people and myself, lazy, very stagnant in my past very well but happy thoughts, surrendering, working on getting to know my high power as I understand it, learning how to coupe with hardships without using, being of service, forgiveness, Acceptance all take work some easier than others but all equally important. I will have to do them over and over for the rest of my life and that’s ok because life sober well be so amazing, it will smell so sweet, everything will be brighter, dreams will come true, love, joy, finding oneself, connecting with ones soul and others, being in the moment, courage to overcome, gratefulness, compassion and empathy, hugs and kisses, clear minded, falling in love with one self and blossoming talent. THOSE BUZZES, THOSE HIGHES, THOSE FIXES all sound more appealing than THAT WHISKEY POSION, THAN THE WINE STAIN PAIN AND THAT BEER BELLY OF EMPTINESS!

I am so grateful for my writings, for the fingers typing and the Alcohol free blood that runs through my veins.  Here is some nice tunes Ingrid Michaelson Everybody.

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo 10485523_10152262901331295_2548243118190978580_n