Hello friends, today is day 74 sober. No cravings since May 24 2014. That’s when I became aware of the Mental and body disorder called Alcoholism. The awareness came so Quickly, from one second to the next. It just clicked that I was an addict, for the longest time my mind or the voice of the Addiction would talk me out of me Accepting it but in that moment Not only did I believe I was an addict with every cell of my body, I also wanted to stop with every cell. I connected all the dots back to Alcohol, the state of mind I was in, the broken heart, the lack of people around me, all the love was gone, my car, anything and everything bad that had happen up to that point was caused by substances, Weed, Alcohol and cocaine.
My bottom was lying in bed by myself, healing from a car wreck, losing the love of my life, seeing loved ones living life while I was in misery. . For the first time ever going to court with a restraining order, I was so far form my true self. I had no passion for anything, no goals, no hope, wanting my life to end but I was to chicken to do it myself or maybe there was a small bit of hope that kept me going. I was becoming an all day drinker and even when I wasn’t drinking I was not my true self. I would get anxiety when I didn’t have a drink after a certain time. Everything good was disappearing little by little, I was getting very depressed. I did not want to do anything without being drunk. I had a fatty liver and my body started to feel horrible. I lost most of my friends.
I used to think my thoughts are who I am, but it’s not, I am the thing that creates the thoughts. I realized I choose’d misery. I always hid my booze from people, anywhere and everywhere, in hallways of buildings like a squirrel. When I left my ex I got my own place and I still hid my booze from myself. I must have been ashamed of myself. I feel like the mind disorder new my mind was shifting and wanted to plant stashes so maybe I can slip up but once I became aware of the mind disorder than that allowed me to have a spiritual awakening. That voice in my head lost power and so did the body craving. The mental part of the disorder goes deeper. The voice will always be with me but I believe it will become so quite I might not even hear it anymore but I have to keep doing my work and be in the moment or else that voice will come back and it might even resurface in other areas, like self doubt, anger, jealously, short temper, fear, no patience, stubborn. I have to change all my defects but I have to first figure out what caused it in the first place, the root of the Addiction.
In AA I hear people say some are sicker than others and I am starting to see it and I don’t want that for me. I want to live with an open heart and mind. To let go of ego and judgment, to see people only in the good light, to create from within, always be grateful, forgive everything, and to always be honest with others and myself. Honesty for me is something I was never taught as a child. I was told to lie to everyone about my home life. The minute I start being dishonest that disorder gets it power back. I know if I pick up again I will die. I wont let that happen and I will always be working not towards perfection but to be whole in the moment. Sober is the New black. I am grateful for this sweet air the universe provides me, I grateful for learning how to be honest, I am grateful for healthy Discipline, and for the courage that has always been inside me hidden under addiction.
Stay connect with love, Adolfo
Mariah Carey Hero is so great. there is a hero in me and in you.