400 Days of Sober

Hello Friends, today is 400 days of sober. I just past 1 year and 1 month sober. This is the longest I’ve been sober since I was 15 years old. This year Ill be 30 so half of my life I’ve been using some sort of drug or alcohol to escape. I was an addict before I took my first sip of booze or snorted my first line of coke. When I was a kid I was always looking for an escape from my dark feelings, fear or  life.

 

Trying to escape from the inside with outside stuff. Escaping with food, getting thin, shopping, sleeping around, cutting myself, validation from others, running 6 miles every day. Those things would bring me a temporary high or numbness, but it was short lived. So the hunger grew, I needed more stuff, I needed to be thinner, and I needed more validation, slept with more men. Turning into substance abuse.

I was consuming, consuming and consuming thinking one day that I would find peace or become whole with having stuff or becoming rich. Just needed that high paying job or those new shoes. Just needed that one guy to sweep me off my feet, or that nice car then ill be happy. What’s interesting is I had all those things, but it was never enough, I never had long-term happiness.

I found peace and serenity not when life was going good but in the chaos of my rock bottom. I realized that happiness, joy, love, forgiveness, surrendering, successes, passion, those things are created only within myself. So I started.

At first my feelings didn’t connect with my thoughts or the words I spoke. I would tell myself, “You are beautiful”. But I didn’t feel beautiful at first but soon after the feelings, thoughts and words synced together.

Life will piece together. I sit here over a year sober with nothing but gratitude for being sober. I still have to create those things within myself because life on life terms.  Meaning people will pass or hard times will happen. But I know I can still create peace and serenity because I have faith, I’ve witnessed it work in my life. Sober is the new black.

This blog is about staying sober and what I am learning throughout the days, months, and years. Hoping that these words could connect with someone who might be suffering or questioning staying sober. The meaning behind the name sober is the new black is sober goes great in every aspect of my life. Sober is the best thing I’ve worn.

The reason for me counting days on the blog because if someone who is 26 days sober or day 1 sober, could Google their days and my blog will pop up. Maybe my words can help or they can relate.

This blog is a form of service, I just want to help or in some ways inspire.

 

 

kindness

 

Catch up

 

want

 

 

Diverse

 

Alabama Shakes is one of my favorite bands, here a song that I play on repeat when i am feeling a bit down.

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

Day 393 Sober: Finding Art in Recovery

Hello Friends today Is day 393 sober. This past week has been eventful. I’ve been in the process of getting my first book ready for print. The vision came to me one day, late at night. This will be my first book, in my head I thought it would be easy and in some way effortless since I write everyday and knowing what I want the book to say.

I was wrong, this past week  I’ve felt annoyed, tried, confused, terrified, and inspired in the process of writing the book. I had a talk with the Editor and a friend who open me up to a new direction for the book. The new direction felt right in my heart.

In this stressful time I had no negative thoughts or an addiction voice trying to convince me to drink.

I talk about my childhood on this blog. In the book it will be more in depth. So having to go back, remember those times and feelings is  hard at times.  But the part of the book that affects my feelings the most isn’t the childhood. It’s when I was in my deep state of addiction.

The pain I caused loved ones, shooting daggers in hearts. The lying, The manipulation, The time and friends lost. I know it was the Addiction and not my True Self because in the morning after the drunken stumbles, My heart and soul felt heavy and in pain.

In the process of writing the book I find myself walking away for sometime to cry healing weeps. Or taking hour breaks to decompress.

I know I can’t change those actions but what I can do is stay sober so their pain wont be in vain.

Meditation and sitting with my higher power helps after a writing session. Bringing me back to the present. giving me some clarity

Writing is part of my recovery, taking out all the dark stuff that dwells in me and putting it on paper. like a cleansing of the soul. It also helps me reflect and connect the dots from traumas to how traumas affect me subconsciously in my every day life. For example I grew up really poor, I recently notices that feeling bleeds into how I see the world. I have 69 pairs of shoes and always want to buy food in bulk. I need to see the patterns and see if they are affecting me n a negative way. Or change. Sober is the New Black

I’m wishing all the dads a happy fathers day.  Hope you all have a day filled with relaxtion and love.

 

Here are some poems I created this week.

 

Sobriety Big

 

 

Crippling

 

 

A choice

 

 

The Children

 

 

Me day 392 Sober

Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

Anyone who knows me personally, knows I’ve always been a huge fan of Tina Turner. This song is one my favorite.

 

 

Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

DAY 386 Sober: Positive Thoughts

Hello Friends today is day 386 sober. This week has been a great week. I still haven’t had any cravings for alcohol. In my days sober, I only craved a beer a few days into my sobriety. I’ve been around it and still no craving. I find myself nausea, turnoff, or disgusted by they sight of alcohol maybe because I know the damage it has caused my life.

 

This past week all I’ve been doing is writing my book. Six to eight hour writing session. My goal is to have them done by august. So I have a couple months to finish. The book is on my first year sober, more in depth than the blog mixed with my poetry. I have over six hundred poems I had to narrow down to three hundred. That was a bit difficult.

Going back  to those memories isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It’s pretty cool  seeing my growth. The only difficulty is telling the story of my dog snuggles who I had to abandoned as a child. Snuggles was my best friend growing up.

This up coming week ill be locked in my apartment witting away. I usually write in cafes but I’m starting to love writing in my home. I will go out into the world for some necessities.

My poetry has slowed down as well because all I energy is put on the book at the moment

I am still being my mind watcher, keeping a close eye on addiction behavior and thoughts. As more days go by the more normal life seems. As if I never had any issues. I know it has to do with healing. What once bothered me no longer does. In the past I would focus so much energy on seeing the world in a negative way. My eyes and mind was condition from a dark past. Now I see the world in love and possibilities. If a negative thought surfaces I change the thought to a positive one and I don’t let the negative thought bleed into my feeling and actions.

 

I can look back at my past year and honestly say I have no regrets all due to sobriety. Which is crazy coming from a person that had tons of regrets. My thoughts, actions and feelings are all synced together. My positive thought leads to other positive thought like a quilt and once you start it becomes effortless.

 

I was reading a CNN article that said By changing the way you think, your DNA also changes so you are no longer that old past. It really is a great article. Sober is the New Black.

 

 

Here are some poems I’ve paused the book to write, Poems just come to me while in deep thought.

 

wings

 

 

 

 

little lion

 

 

 

watch

 

 

 

putting back the pieces

 

 

old

 

 

lay

 

 

Here are some photos from my past week.

Adolfo Vasquez the book process

 

 

Every Sunday there will a be a new blog post giving Sober is The New Black readers some stability

 

This video below is from Ingrid Michaelson called Afterlife that I’ve been listening to over and over this past week

 

 

Stay Connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

Day 379 Sober: June Gloom

Hello Friends, today is day 379 sober. It seems June always brings a bit of gloom. This past week I felt uninspired and a bit stagnant. Sobriety has made me aware of patterns and routines in my life that I feel I need. When change happens I get uncomfortable. That uncomfortable state shows itself with emotions like annoyance and grouchiness.

I know this issue stems from childhood. Growing up without stability or a solid foundation, I Feel like I need routine and normalcy.

The change that is upon me is work. I work 9 months a year and have 3 months off for writing. I know I’m very blessed to be able to afford three months off of work but with that brings on this uncomfortable state

This week was my first week not working. I’m a night thinker so I stay up all hours of the night. Since I have no schedule. Staying up till 4am and wake up at 1 pm. I did write and worked my program but even with doing so I felt unproductive.

What I need to work on is creating some sort of schedule. I don’t have to work but I should still rise early. Going to treat my writing like a job, writing from 9-5. Even I don’t feel like writing. I just have to show up.

That will give me a routine. Also I need to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. The great thing was I did not crave that old life. I am just grateful that sobriety gives me a clear mind to see my issues and gives me the courage to change. Sober is the New Black

Growing up Disneyland was a far off place I would hardly see. I may have seen it twice in my childhood. Now I’m an annual pass holder. So today Ill be spending the day at Disneyland. I might get the inspiration I need at the happiest place on earth.  Its never to late to create that childhood you never had.

 

Here are some poems I birth this week.

day

 

prints

 

flower

 

 

words

 

a little about me

 

we are all the same

 

always inspire

This is my favorite spot in my home. My desk.

my desk

 

Stay connected with love. Adolfo Vasquez

 

DAY 370 Sober: Lies Addiction Feeds the Mind

Hello Friends. Today is day 370 sober. I am back in Los Angeles, The past few days have been overwhelming with all the love and support, beyond grateful. Yes I made it to my year mark but I will always be working on myself until I am on my deathbed. I don’t ever want to be un-teachable. I have to always be open to others suggestions and wisdom. I don’t want to be right, just whole and happy. I will stay teachable at 20 years sober. Learning from old timers and newbies.

When I first got sober, my untreated addiction fed my mind lies. First lie was Sober people are boring, coffee drinkers, and chain smokers. Second lie, I will never have fun again. Third Lie, I have the rest of my life to never drink again, that’s so much time to be on punishment. I relapsed a bunch of times because I believed those lies.

After having time sober, another lie would pop up. I’m cured; I can control it now, only one beer. I would control it for a while but 2 weeks later I found my soul lost and in turmoil.

I have to be aware of my mind at all times.  So when my past addiction voice resurfaces I can be strong. I can pray, change my thoughts, meditate, write or call a friend. The voices have got quieter and less strong when I am working my shit out.

My eyes are cleared and I see all the love coming from sober people. The men and woman in Sobriety are some of  the strongest people I have ever met. Not just overcoming their struggles but wanting to be better humans, helping others. I have more fun now sober because I know myself better. No body hangovers or mind haze. I smile more and laugh more.

If my mind brings up the length of how long I have to stay sober. I now feel a sense of gratitude for having that time to find myself. I also live in the moment but still work towards long-term goals. I just don’t get emotional when the road takes a detour. I just get back on the same road. I still enjoy and learn from the detour. I might stay on the detour for a minute and self reflect, write or plant some roses so the detour can become a great experience. Sober is the New black

I’ve always been so inspired by others who are vocal about sobriety, Celebrities or non-celebrities. Someone might hear something they needed that day so they can continue seeing the beauty in sobriety. Demi Lovato is someone who is vocal about her past addiction and her current sobriety. The video below talk is a recent interview she did about overcoming her struggle. She’s three years sober now, congrats.

http://www.today.com/video/demi-lovato-at-3-years-clean-and-sober-i-feel-amazing-453180995530

 

This song below is about her addiction.

 

 

Here are some of my poems I’ve worked on in the past few days, hope they inspire

nothing is impossible

 

 

forgive all

 

tunnel of pain

 

 

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This poem is for  my great grandmother who showed me love and was a safe haven for my brother and I

anita

Might need a bit of a break from writing. sad face

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Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

. I’ve always been so inspired by others who are vocal about sobriety, Celebrities or non-celebrities. Someone out there might hear something that they needed that day, so they continue seeing the beauty in sobriety.

 

Demi Lavato is someone who is vocal about here past addiction and her current sobriety.

 

DAY 208 Sober: Sobriety my Foundation

Hello friends, today is day 208 sober. Getting my ducks in a row. Heading back home tomorrow, so excited to see my loved ones and to write in my hometown. My hometown haves tons of memories that made me who I am today. Huge amount of growth since I’ve left palm springs ca. I’ll be back in los Angeles the beginning of next year, my goal is to return with Amends I had made from the ones I’ve hurt and some peace from the ones that hurt me.

 

As the days go on and I am sober my mind is getting quiet and that allows me to find myself. Some stuff is great that I am finding like deep love for myself, very content with my life. I am also finding stuff that needs to be worked on. I’m a very sensitive person and at times I feel life my heart lives on my skin. That’s not a bad thing, I have tons of compassion for others but I do need to work on not letting people opinion on my recovery program effect me. I am sober and not craving but also healing so it’s working. My way might not work for others and my healing shouldn’t prevent someone else from healing him or herself. I am a human and will be hurt, feel pain, be heartbroken, but I am learning how to cope through those things, embracing life at its fullest. Crying is part of healing and also knowing when to surrender the pain to that higher power. Everybody has a different definition of higher power and that’s a beautiful thing.

The reason behind me counting my days is for someone who is day 30 sober or day 68 sober and having a hard time, they can Google their days and my blog will appear. Maybe thy can relate to what I was going through that day and just maybe it could help in some ways. Today I feel so happy being sober; something I never knew was possible. I had to learn that sobriety would not solve all my worries or make my life perfect. Sobriety helps clear my mind so I can work towards a life that will bring peace and happiness. Sobriety is my foundation in life, I have to build the rest but I can’t build a healthy life without my sobriety foundation. Sober is the new black

 

image

 

Amanda palmer is someone who I love so much; Her song in my mind resonates with me. I am exactly the person I need to be in this moment of being.

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

My new glasses

Adolfo Vasquez

Adolfo Vasquez

 

Day 204 Sober: A Child from Addicts

Hello Friends, today is day 204 sober, its been a great day, 5 days away from returning to my hometown palm springs, ca. So excited it’s hard to containing myself. Looking up some great meetings that I can attend. My goal is to go back and make some amends and forgive everybody and anything so I can move forward with no past preventing my healing. Feels great going back with a clear mind and more evolved than I was last trip back home.

 

I will be seeing my parents, I used to think I needed them to tell me sorry but the reality is that their actions were a result of an addict. Now that I am in recovery I understand that wasn’t who they are and their sorry can’t change the past or give me peace. The only thing that can give me peace is letting go and seeing them in the moment of today. Not sure if they are still using or have a program that helps them heal. Hopefully, with a huge from me and letting them know that I don’t have any ill feelings towards them than they can let go of the guilt that might be preventing them from fully healing. I don’t know what happen to my parents, but something did that made them feel that substances were a way to cope.

If they are not open to a hug or having me in their lives then that’s ok because I feel content knowing I did my part. I am still whole with or without my parents. Addiction is a hard thing to overcome, but it is possible no matter how long the substance has been blinding a person. My love for them will never leave nor keep me from seeing them in the light of love. When I was a kid I would defend my parents from the police officers or teachers.  They would pull me into the office because I would have black eyes, knots on my head.  I knew if they found out I would also lose my brother who was around the same age as me. He was the only rock I had in my life at the time. He too suffers from an addiction, but that is his to overcome.

 

I hope I can inspire my family to see possibilities in them, a family of addicts, yes but we are really awesome people too. Some of us in recovery some of us not but one day I dream a dream that we can all be sober, strong, soften, humbled by our egos sitting with only love during the holidays. If not my life is bigger than any circumstances, one day I’ll have a family of my own and start those family traditions I lack growing up.

 

So if there are any kids currently living with parents who are addicts, I know it’s difficult and confusing right now but I promise your life will go on.  Your parent’s addiction doesn’t define your capability in life. Use your parent’s actions as a learning lesson, hold on to those dreams, find an art and create. Don’t give up or think that you any less, you’re a warrior with unimaginable strength. It’s ok to cry and get angry but always know your parents do love you. They are just unwell and keep your head up above what others say about your family. I know you feel like you are just trying survive day to day but once you get older, you can put down those barriers and open up to a life you deserve. You might have to work harder than others, but it will be very rewarding. People love you, I do, I hear you, I care, I validate you and I promise life gets better! Sober is the new black.

 

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Demi Lovato suffered from addiction and this song Skyscraper is about her addiction. It’s a brilliant song for kids whom might be dealing with parents who are addicts, rise up from the circumstance and fight for a life you deserve.

 

 

stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

DAY 129 Sober: Letting go of a dream

Hello Friends today is day 129 sober, Yesterday was a hard day for me but I did not crave booze but I did want to stop writing and felt bitter, sad, angry and wanted to stop everything in the works. Right now, I rather be laying in bed under the covers shutting out the world so I can scream and weep but I know I need to write because this blogs is showing the ups and down of sobriety and this is a down moment. This moment isn’t really an addiction moment it’s a human moment.

 

 Life will not always go according to my plan because the universe has its plan. I just have to keep staying sober and feel this pain in my heart until it heals. Its hard separating the stuff I’ve done from the person I am today because I lost a lot of trust in people. I am not my wrongs and I have to accept that I did lose stuff because of my addiction. I have to remember what Addiction has done to keep me working my program. I have always been a survivor since birth. I was born premature and got pneumonia a week into my life. I will still stand tall but still weep my healing tears. It’s necessary.

 

I just fought really hard for someone who I knew in my heart was the one, even hearts can be wrong sometime. I would have moved mountains, done everything and anything to have him next to me at age of 80, ill be writing with my coffee maybe he’ll be sipping a glass of wine. It might sound a bit crazy, but he knew, he was that last thing I wanted to see before I left out of this world, his face brought me peace and that would have helped me Exit but that wont be. I have to let go of that dream I held on for the past four years. Time to dream a new dream. We did not have alot in common when it came to what we enjoyed doing on are down time but I was open to trying morning hikes etc. The only thing I couldn’t do with him is drink but I can dance, or eat happy hour foods. Not sure if me not enjoying a drink with him was part of it and if it was than maybe I’ve been a fool in love this whole time.

 

I know it came down to me being a dishonest person the last year of the relationship. Maybe he wants someone less fucked up as me, someone without a disorder and that’s fine. We have one life. What I know now that I have a sober clear mind is. I will never give up on love and I will not end up like my mom, going crazy for men, chasing them down and not living her dream and using substance to cope with the pain. Yes my heart is in deep pain and right now I am in tears but I will stay sober, put on my big boy pants and heal this pain so I can live a fulfilling life, rewrite my dreams and life and Yes every time my phone beeps I look down hoping this is a dream but I know its not.

 I am glad it was his choice because I know in my heart I tried and so I have no what if’s

My life will go on and I will shine beyond the dope past. I will build a house somewhere on mountains and live a sober life. Working my program. Sober is the New Black. Grateful for the strength to push through this write.

 

Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez 

 

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