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June 28, 2015

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400 Days of Sober: I was an Addict before my first drink

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400 Days of Sober

Hello Friends, today is 400 days of sober. I just past 1 year and 1 month sober. This is the longest I’ve been sober since I was 15 years old. This year Ill be 30 so half of my life I’ve been using some sort of drug or alcohol to escape. I was an addict before I took my first sip of booze or snorted my first line of coke. When I was a kid I was always looking for an escape from my dark feelings, fear or  life.

 

Trying to escape from the inside with outside stuff. Escaping with food, getting thin, shopping, sleeping around, cutting myself, validation from others, running 6 miles every day. Those things would bring me a temporary high or numbness, but it was short lived. So the hunger grew, I needed more stuff, I needed to be thinner, and I needed more validation, slept with more men. Turning into substance abuse.

I was consuming, consuming and consuming thinking one day that I would find peace or become whole with having stuff or becoming rich. Just needed that high paying job or those new shoes. Just needed that one guy to sweep me off my feet, or that nice car then ill be happy. What’s interesting is I had all those things, but it was never enough, I never had long-term happiness.

I found peace and serenity not when life was going good but in the chaos of my rock bottom. I realized that happiness, joy, love, forgiveness, surrendering, successes, passion, those things are created only within myself. So I started.

At first my feelings didn’t connect with my thoughts or the words I spoke. I would tell myself, “You are beautiful”. But I didn’t feel beautiful at first but soon after the feelings, thoughts and words synced together.

Life will piece together. I sit here over a year sober with nothing but gratitude for being sober. I still have to create those things within myself because life on life terms.  Meaning people will pass or hard times will happen. But I know I can still create peace and serenity because I have faith, I’ve witnessed it work in my life. Sober is the new black.

This blog is about staying sober and what I am learning throughout the days, months, and years. Hoping that these words could connect with someone who might be suffering or questioning staying sober. The meaning behind the name sober is the new black is sober goes great in every aspect of my life. Sober is the best thing I’ve worn.

The reason for me counting days on the blog because if someone who is 26 days sober or day 1 sober, could Google their days and my blog will pop up. Maybe my words can help or they can relate.

This blog is a form of service, I just want to help or in some ways inspire.

 

 

kindness

 

Catch up

 

want

 

 

Diverse

 

Alabama Shakes is one of my favorite bands, here a song that I play on repeat when i am feeling a bit down.

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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June 21, 2015

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Day 393 Sober: Finding Art in Recovery

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Day 393 Sober: Finding Art in Recovery

Hello Friends today Is day 393 sober. This past week has been eventful. I’ve been in the process of getting my first book ready for print. The vision came to me one day, late at night. This will be my first book, in my head I thought it would be easy and in some way effortless since I write everyday and knowing what I want the book to say.

I was wrong, this past week  I’ve felt annoyed, tried, confused, terrified, and inspired in the process of writing the book. I had a talk with the Editor and a friend who open me up to a new direction for the book. The new direction felt right in my heart.

In this stressful time I had no negative thoughts or an addiction voice trying to convince me to drink.

I talk about my childhood on this blog. In the book it will be more in depth. So having to go back, remember those times and feelings is  hard at times.  But the part of the book that affects my feelings the most isn’t the childhood. It’s when I was in my deep state of addiction.

The pain I caused loved ones, shooting daggers in hearts. The lying, The manipulation, The time and friends lost. I know it was the Addiction and not my True Self because in the morning after the drunken stumbles, My heart and soul felt heavy and in pain.

In the process of writing the book I find myself walking away for sometime to cry healing weeps. Or taking hour breaks to decompress.

I know I can’t change those actions but what I can do is stay sober so their pain wont be in vain.

Meditation and sitting with my higher power helps after a writing session. Bringing me back to the present. giving me some clarity

Writing is part of my recovery, taking out all the dark stuff that dwells in me and putting it on paper. like a cleansing of the soul. It also helps me reflect and connect the dots from traumas to how traumas affect me subconsciously in my every day life. For example I grew up really poor, I recently notices that feeling bleeds into how I see the world. I have 69 pairs of shoes and always want to buy food in bulk. I need to see the patterns and see if they are affecting me n a negative way. Or change. Sober is the New Black

I’m wishing all the dads a happy fathers day.  Hope you all have a day filled with relaxtion and love.

 

Here are some poems I created this week.

 

Sobriety Big

 

 

Crippling

 

 

A choice

 

 

The Children

 

 

Me day 392 Sober

Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

Anyone who knows me personally, knows I’ve always been a huge fan of Tina Turner. This song is one my favorite.

 

 

Stay Connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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June 14, 2015

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DAY 386 Sober: Positive Thoughts

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DAY 386 Sober: Positive Thoughts

Hello Friends today is day 386 sober. This week has been a great week. I still haven’t had any cravings for alcohol. In my days sober, I only craved a beer a few days into my sobriety. I’ve been around it and still no craving. I find myself nausea, turnoff, or disgusted by they sight of alcohol maybe because I know the damage it has caused my life.

 

This past week all I’ve been doing is writing my book. Six to eight hour writing session. My goal is to have them done by august. So I have a couple months to finish. The book is on my first year sober, more in depth than the blog mixed with my poetry. I have over six hundred poems I had to narrow down to three hundred. That was a bit difficult.

Going back  to those memories isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It’s pretty cool  seeing my growth. The only difficulty is telling the story of my dog snuggles who I had to abandoned as a child. Snuggles was my best friend growing up.

This up coming week ill be locked in my apartment witting away. I usually write in cafes but I’m starting to love writing in my home. I will go out into the world for some necessities.

My poetry has slowed down as well because all I energy is put on the book at the moment

I am still being my mind watcher, keeping a close eye on addiction behavior and thoughts. As more days go by the more normal life seems. As if I never had any issues. I know it has to do with healing. What once bothered me no longer does. In the past I would focus so much energy on seeing the world in a negative way. My eyes and mind was condition from a dark past. Now I see the world in love and possibilities. If a negative thought surfaces I change the thought to a positive one and I don’t let the negative thought bleed into my feeling and actions.

 

I can look back at my past year and honestly say I have no regrets all due to sobriety. Which is crazy coming from a person that had tons of regrets. My thoughts, actions and feelings are all synced together. My positive thought leads to other positive thought like a quilt and once you start it becomes effortless.

 

I was reading a CNN article that said By changing the way you think, your DNA also changes so you are no longer that old past. It really is a great article. Sober is the New Black.

 

 

Here are some poems I’ve paused the book to write, Poems just come to me while in deep thought.

 

wings

 

 

 

 

little lion

 

 

 

watch

 

 

 

putting back the pieces

 

 

old

 

 

lay

 

 

Here are some photos from my past week.

Adolfo Vasquez the book process

 

 

Every Sunday there will a be a new blog post giving Sober is The New Black readers some stability

 

This video below is from Ingrid Michaelson called Afterlife that I’ve been listening to over and over this past week

 

 

Stay Connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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June 7, 2015

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Day 379 Sober: June Gloom

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Day 379 Sober: June Gloom

Hello Friends, today is day 379 sober. It seems June always brings a bit of gloom. This past week I felt uninspired and a bit stagnant. Sobriety has made me aware of patterns and routines in my life that I feel I need. When change happens I get uncomfortable. That uncomfortable state shows itself with emotions like annoyance and grouchiness.

I know this issue stems from childhood. Growing up without stability or a solid foundation, I Feel like I need routine and normalcy.

The change that is upon me is work. I work 9 months a year and have 3 months off for writing. I know I’m very blessed to be able to afford three months off of work but with that brings on this uncomfortable state

This week was my first week not working. I’m a night thinker so I stay up all hours of the night. Since I have no schedule. Staying up till 4am and wake up at 1 pm. I did write and worked my program but even with doing so I felt unproductive.

What I need to work on is creating some sort of schedule. I don’t have to work but I should still rise early. Going to treat my writing like a job, writing from 9-5. Even I don’t feel like writing. I just have to show up.

That will give me a routine. Also I need to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. The great thing was I did not crave that old life. I am just grateful that sobriety gives me a clear mind to see my issues and gives me the courage to change. Sober is the New Black

Growing up Disneyland was a far off place I would hardly see. I may have seen it twice in my childhood. Now I’m an annual pass holder. So today Ill be spending the day at Disneyland. I might get the inspiration I need at the happiest place on earth.  Its never to late to create that childhood you never had.

 

Here are some poems I birth this week.

day

 

prints

 

flower

 

 

words

 

a little about me

 

we are all the same

 

always inspire

This is my favorite spot in my home. My desk.

my desk

 

Stay connected with love. Adolfo Vasquez

 

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May 29, 2015

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DAY 370 Sober: Lies Addiction Feeds the Mind

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DAY 370 Sober: Lies Addiction Feeds the Mind

Hello Friends. Today is day 370 sober. I am back in Los Angeles, The past few days have been overwhelming with all the love and support, beyond grateful. Yes I made it to my year mark but I will always be working on myself until I am on my deathbed. I don’t ever want to be un-teachable. I have to always be open to others suggestions and wisdom. I don’t want to be right, just whole and happy. I will stay teachable at 20 years sober. Learning from old timers and newbies.

When I first got sober, my untreated addiction fed my mind lies. First lie was Sober people are boring, coffee drinkers, and chain smokers. Second lie, I will never have fun again. Third Lie, I have the rest of my life to never drink again, that’s so much time to be on punishment. I relapsed a bunch of times because I believed those lies.

After having time sober, another lie would pop up. I’m cured; I can control it now, only one beer. I would control it for a while but 2 weeks later I found my soul lost and in turmoil.

I have to be aware of my mind at all times.  So when my past addiction voice resurfaces I can be strong. I can pray, change my thoughts, meditate, write or call a friend. The voices have got quieter and less strong when I am working my shit out.

My eyes are cleared and I see all the love coming from sober people. The men and woman in Sobriety are some of  the strongest people I have ever met. Not just overcoming their struggles but wanting to be better humans, helping others. I have more fun now sober because I know myself better. No body hangovers or mind haze. I smile more and laugh more.

If my mind brings up the length of how long I have to stay sober. I now feel a sense of gratitude for having that time to find myself. I also live in the moment but still work towards long-term goals. I just don’t get emotional when the road takes a detour. I just get back on the same road. I still enjoy and learn from the detour. I might stay on the detour for a minute and self reflect, write or plant some roses so the detour can become a great experience. Sober is the New black

I’ve always been so inspired by others who are vocal about sobriety, Celebrities or non-celebrities. Someone might hear something they needed that day so they can continue seeing the beauty in sobriety. Demi Lovato is someone who is vocal about her past addiction and her current sobriety. The video below talk is a recent interview she did about overcoming her struggle. She’s three years sober now, congrats.

http://www.today.com/video/demi-lovato-at-3-years-clean-and-sober-i-feel-amazing-453180995530

 

This song below is about her addiction.

 

 

Here are some of my poems I’ve worked on in the past few days, hope they inspire

nothing is impossible

 

 

forgive all

 

tunnel of pain

 

 

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This poem is for  my great grandmother who showed me love and was a safe haven for my brother and I

anita

Might need a bit of a break from writing. sad face

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Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

. I’ve always been so inspired by others who are vocal about sobriety, Celebrities or non-celebrities. Someone out there might hear something that they needed that day, so they continue seeing the beauty in sobriety.

 

Demi Lavato is someone who is vocal about here past addiction and her current sobriety.

 

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March 30, 2015

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Day 310 Sober: Wonderful Unknowns

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Day 310 Sober: Wonderful Unknowns

Hello Friends today is 310 days of sober. I am in a Café by the name of Iota in Korea town. It’s my favorite place it feels like home. As I was writing a man approached me, he was drinking and smelled of old stale beer. He was beyond drunk; he started talking about his life and how he wasn’t happy. In the beginning I was a bit annoyed because I needed to get some writing done but than I realized it was an opportunity to share my experience and maybe it can help. He seemed to be struggling with addiction. I saw “good” in him. I saw past his disorder. We all know the only person that can want to change is one self and he just didn’t seem opened to wanting it. Maybe he wasn’t ready for the work. I hope one day he finds that peace in sobriety.

This weekend Family came down to visit. We had a blast going to Bookstores, spa, ate some amazing foods and had great conversation. The more days fly on and months go by. The easier it is to stay sober. I’m cant even remember the old me and I’m madly in love with getting to know the new me. Every part of my life is flowing wonderfully Sober is my new black.  Sober is the best thing I have worn in my life. Substance abuse was a symptom to my inner turmoil of past pain that was never healed. I did not have the proper understanding or tools to heal.

I am coming up on a year sober. This year has been the most difficult but the most rewarding. It was like a rebirth, new beginning born from a heartbroken and dark end. Sobriety is number one and the rest follows because without sobriety I have nothing. The only thing I know about my future is my lips will never taste a whiskey kiss again after that I am not sure were my life is headed. The wonderful unknowns are a beautiful thing So much possibility, so much room for growth.

I know one-day I will have a love in my life that I will share a home with, watching each other grow inside and out. Seeing each other make mistakes and learn, building a bond so tight no outside influence can break it because I believe in love and will work my butt off for it. I now know how to build a healthy Relationship. It all starts with a healthy relationship with myself. For me love is the most important thing in my life, saying I love you and feeling love for someone isn’t the most important thing. The most important thing is how you show your love to that one. Listening, compassion, giving advice when asked, loving unconditional because we all have ups and downs within our self’s and sometimes one of us needs to be that rock so the other can Break.  Sober is the New Black

 

I’m in the process of finding a bigger place for myself. I’m out growing my apartment and need to create a space in my home for my writing. A little corner filled with some inspiration. Looking to move away from downtown LA, not really inspired their, maybe closer to Hollywood or the Westside.

 

 

Here some poems I’ve written the passed couple of days,The first one is about dreams I’ve been dreaming lately. Dreams of peace

 

This one is about when i find that love, building a relationship on life journeylifes Journey

 

This one is about finding life beauty with are 5 senses

5 senses

 

This one is about rewriting a new life away from past hazeBurn pages

 

Brandon flowers just released a new video called Can’t Deny my love staring Evan Rachel Wood. This video is very symbolic to my journey into my sobriety. Leaving and walking into the unknown, learning and healing. Hope you enjoy it.

 

 

 

Sober is the New Black

 

Stay Connect with Love, Adolfo Vasquez

 

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March 20, 2015

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300 days of Sober

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300 days of Sober

Hello Friends today is day 300 sober. It feels pretty amazing celebrating 300 days of sober in palm springs CA my hometown. Just Arrived at one of my favorite spots called Azul. Heading out to Las Vegas tomorrow.  I feel this new breeze of inspiration. In the beginning of 9 months sober I felt a bit of a haze of sadness. That has passed and feeling inspired again. I guess even people who don’t have an addiction go through periods of their life feeling a bit down. Sobriety forced me to self reflect, go inside myself finding my voice, inner light, find out why I was so self abusive. In doing so I found a love for poetry.

Poetry, poems, and prose are given life after I write them. They live on hopefully connecting with others. I hope they will Transcend from decade to decade. Even after I pass on. 100 years from now someone might read my poems and connect with it. Maybe it will help them, feel and understand what I meant in return keeping my spirit alive. Inspiring them to self reflect and heal encouraging them create art turning pain into inspiration.

When I am writing I feel free. No barricades, no filters, no boundaries. Away from ego and just my truth and feelings. I believe everyone is a writer and his or her life is the greatest story to tell. One can create their story in any art form, like photography, painting, writing, acting, creating clothes etc. Art is liberation. Liberation is where you find true self. That’s a place where I constantly want to live. Sober is the New Black

The past few months, I’ve been having dreams of my EX that would put me in a funk the next morning. The last two dreams was of him and his new boyfriend, in that dream I did not see him. I knew he was around because it was mention by others but I couldn’t find him. I just saw his shadows on the wall. It was like my mind was preparing me for a life without him or forcing me accept with is the truth. My mind did not want to see him yet. I did not wake up in a funk that time but an understanding.

The second dream I did see him face to face but he was unrecognizable, it was like I didn’t know who he was. He had long hair and tattoos. He would never. I feel that dream is telling me who I loved in the past isn’t who is today. I may be reading this dream wrong but Both dreams have been very therapeutic.

Last night I stay up a bit, scrolling trough old Facebook post. I went back to the beginning when Vince and I made it official Oct 29 2010. I wanted to see my old self, seeing old post brought me a sense of missing, not for booze but for his friendship. I also seen missed opportunities on my part that could have strengthened the relationship. I also saw myself as very stagnant no purpose, no fiery passion, and no sense of healing old wounds. That brought me another form of sadness, Vince never had the chance to see me blossom, what he worked so hard to help me with. I had some anger towards him recently but now I have no ill feelings. Sober is the New Black

I used to think Vince saved me but the reality was he taught me how to save myself and for that he will always be close to my heart.

In other news  Sober is the New Black apparel line is coming out in the next few months and my book will be finish in April than off to the editors. Who would have thought that this boy would be close to a year sober, with a book in the works, and an apparel line? Sobriety brings dreams that are so big my mind could not have thought it possible when I was at my rock bottom.  Well Vince always knew that it was possible for me to reach for dreams. Now I do and I will, I can and I did.

 

 

Here are some of the poems I birth this week, some joyful and some dark. All my truth in that moment.

 

I'm Possible

 

Days, weeks, years

 

Wine Stained Chains

 

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This song from Kelly Clarkson is my truth

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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March 15, 2015

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DAY 295 Sober: Lack of Inspiration

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DAY 295 Sober: Lack of Inspiration

Hello Friends today is day 295 sober. I just got to my favorite café in Korea town, this blog was started in k-town and I am sure one-day end in k-town. I am in my nine months sober and this month has been amazing but also a bit confusing. This month I have felt a lack of inspiration, my work season will be ending soon and I will have a few months of to do whatever I pleased.

Not sure were the lack of inspiration is coming from but it might have to do with me feeling my life isn’t were I thought it would be. Even with the lack of inspiration in my nine months I still did not have a craving for substance. The way I’m programming my mind is to always see the silver lining. 9 months is a huge deal but isn’t that long to have created a whole new life. I’ve been an addict most of my life so I can’t expect 9 months sober to change over 15 years of substance abuse. I just have to stay sober and work my shit out. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for what I have accomplished so far. Last year around this time I was in court due to my mind disorder. So looking back helps me see that every part of my life is going great without booze. Lately some negative thoughts have been creeping up in my mind and not in the form of wanting to use but in the way I see others and myself. I am happy to be aware of it so I can change the tune of that voice. I need to read more and hangout with my in light or others call it GOD. Its ok, to feel not feel ok. I just cant live in it and change whatever it is that’s is making feel not ok.

I’ve been traveling a lot and it’s been amazing. This coming weekend ill be headed out to Nevada. Very excited for that going for a concert. I am planning a month trip somewhere once my work season is complete. The season starts back up in August so ill have around 4 months off to write and work on sober is the new black.

 

I have always been a bit of an introvert and would rather sit and write or watch film than be out socializing. That is something I need to be working on. Lately I’ve been meeting some cool people, new friends and learning how to build healthy relationships. In the past if a friend offended me or did something that didn’t sit well with my ego I would cut them off. I didn’t realize any kind of relationship whether it’s a boyfriend, friend or family takes work to build a strong friendship. Like listening without ego, spending time, showing love in the form of actions not just words, making an effort etc. All relationships go up and down just grateful to have a clean mind to work it out.

I just want to stop losing people I love. I think the more I am sober the less likely people will leave my life and more likely stay. Sober is the new black.

 

 

Here are some poems that I have written the past few days, hope you enjoy some of these raw feelings

would you look at me you all you need is you dream vs grim tale

Completely not me from Jenny Lewis lyrics sing true to my heart. hope you enjoy it as well.

 

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February 13, 2015

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Day 265 Sober: A Sober Valentine

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Day 265 Sober: A Sober Valentine

Today is Day 265 sober; it’s been such a wonderful day. Tomorrow is valentine’s days. Last year I was in a sober facility in the valley trying to stay sober with a broken heart. I was confused, but I knew I wanted to be sober, but I relapsed a short time after because I did not know how to stop and I wasn’t at my bottom. When I look back I feel bad for my old self. I was trying to keep all together, just got out of 3-year relationship, Losing love was more difficult than staying sober. I had really nowhere to go, lost, scared and felt very defeated in life. I disliked myself in every way. Swimming in a river of guilt. Lonely to the extreme.

I now sit here in tears because I’ve come so far in my recovery; life is great in every aspect of my life. My rent is paid for the rest of the year. I am taking 5 months off of work to write, rewrite and live like a traveling nomad. Started investing in mutual funds for the future. Working on my book that will be finish in April 2015 I am still not the person I want to be but I will continue on in sobriety. I want to be more compassionate to others, less attach to material things, let go of needs, pray more, write more, live in the moment more, help others whether in service or poetry, surround myself with only positive and mindful people, take some creative writing class. So those are my short-term goals. I am also very inspired by dark and gritty might be from my past. I love using it in my writings. I do have some dark writings I’ve been working on; I don’t want to alarm people so I might just post them on Instagram and facebook. You can follow me at http://instagram.com/soberwriter

This valentine’s day I’ll be spending it with an incredible man who wants to take me on a date, excited and a bit nervous. Sober is the New Black. I hope you all have a wonderful Valentines day and know the most important love is for oneself.

These are some of the latest poems I cooked up

be

 

Alcohol

 

Died

 

 

Me at day 264 Sober

Adolfo Vasquez

 

 

 

Lykke Li is one incredible artist, writer and performer. Her music inspires me to feel, weep and heal. I hope you love this visually striking video

 

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez