Before i start i wanted to Address something i notice when I was watching my Day 6 sober: Breaking the cycle video i said ” I always needed booze,boys, money, cars, friends, I mean its nice to have those things but those things don’t mean shit if you are not really working on your stuff and happy” You see how sneaky this disorder is! I was naming off stuff i used in the past to make me happy and even if i am happy or dealing with my stuff I can never drink booze or have any substance! its still trying to sneak in, that was a real moment on how Alcoholism works! Inside Self and Mind=ISM.. I am glad i caught it so i can be aware!!!!!!!!
So, Today has be a very amazing day Day 6 sober. I am currently Laying in bed alone, in peace…..well I was until my wifi stopped working now at a Starbucks on Wilshire! I used to hate being alone because I was left with my mind feeding me my horrible past then those thoughts became feelings that consisted of paranoia, fear, Anxiety, sadness, loneliness, and unsettledness. So then My Alcohol disorder would easily convince my to drink to the point of darkness and that was the pattern that Repeated over, over and over in cycles for years. I Feel like my family had patterns that turn into cycles that has been in grain in us from generation to generation. There is a reason why addiction has been passed down from my grandpa, father then to me. Learn habits? I used to tell myself i would never be an addict after living through a horrible childhood. I hated the thought of booze and drugs, so how did i end up here?
Can Patterns be in grain in us with us not even knowing? I believe my family had behavior patterns that told us how to view the world, are opinion of others, self esteem and are belief system. Family patterns are not bad or good.. it was passed down to them. We need them to challenge us so we can grow. We also have the power to break free from the family patterns, just by becoming aware of are thoughts. Its a challenge for me but if i want to overcome this Alcohol disorder then i have to be aware of my self esteem, how i see the world, and be the watcher of my mind. Last night when i was talking in my video blog i had an aahhh moment in Oprah words. I realize that i am the one in are family to break this pattern in the Vasquez generation. Ive been preparing for this battle my whole life, maybe thats why i had all the trauma in my childhood so i can be strong enough to fight this battle, so my children and their children are free from this disorder that was handed down to us! I never really knew my grandpa Santos but i really understand him now and maybe just maybe he is on the other side keeping me alive so i can fight for him too!
It ends now and here.. I will be starting AA this weekend and i know it helped millions and i know in my heart that i am an addict and thats the first step. To know you are powerless over booze. I am open to anything that can help me stay sober. So if anyone out there has any suggestions, that would be awesome! Iam so grateful for 6 days sober and finding myself everyday!
Stay connect with love, Adolfo