Hello Friends today is day 45 sober!!! Today is such a beautiful day, my best friend, mother of my brothers, Stepmother, concert and tattoo buddy BIRTHDAY! She has been in my life since I was a toddler. She left my father years ago because she wanted a better life for my two brothers and herself. She has been by my side at every moment of my life, even from a far. She loves me with an open hand allowing me to make mistakes and Evolve. She gives great advice, and listens. She came into my life when she was only fifteen; my father was a very difficult man at times so whenever my father would go crazy she would be my refugee. When my birth mother did not want my brother and I or was in jail, or homeless. She raised us. At the time my father was also in his Addiction. I cant not imagine raising four kids, two not her own and living with an addict who was not nice at all. It’s been amazing seeing her grow and evolve.
Everything she has in her life she has worked hard for and did on her own with no help including buying her own house. When I was in the midst of the Addiction she gave really hard love, she refuse to pick me up from jail and refuse to support my addiction. She never really called me an addict but she would ask question to get me thinking and let me figure out on my own. She loved me at my highs and more importantly she loved me when I’ve been down. Sometimes love can be tough it isn’t always joy and butterflies its also can be a bit hard, painful, and not always pretty. It might not even feel like love at the time but usually that kind of love is needed. Everyday she wakes up wanting to be and do better, that’s what I love about her. She has taken in people off the streets including my birth mom and has given her some great advice.
As I got older and sober I started see the world differently, yes I had profoundly misfortunate childhood but the universe put keys players in my life to help me become Adolfo, My stepmother is one of them. She is a great teacher in life, she has thought me courage to fight for what I believe in, to love above all, to never give up, to always see the positive in everything, don’t waste energy on people who are committed to not understanding you, to dream big and take action. She is my backbone; She is my rock, my mother and Father, confidant, Tattoo and concert buddy, my spiritual teacher!
Love you so much! Words can’t say enough! I may not be with you today, but I will in spirit! Sober is the New Black
Hello Friends today is 35 days sober! The last couple of days have been really great; I have not had any sad moments. I’ve been meeting new people and hanging out so the loneliness part has been fading. It’s a day-to-day process but at this moment I am feeling great. Today my family comes out to visit me! I am so excited to see my best friend! My stepmother has been a rock in my life also giving me great advice to help me get through the past few months. The end of last year and the beginning of this year was the hardest time of my life so far! A break up and getting sober at the same time was very difficult but sometimes to evolve into greatness you might have to endure great pain!
When I was in my early 20’s I had someone read me with tarot cards and at the point I had already had a lot of pain from my childhood. What the person said as he read me was I had a really dark past like unbearable! That was accurate. He also said that a lady with dark hair (stepmother) has and will continue to be a huge angel in my life and that was true! The last thing he said was a lot more pain will come, I didn’t understand because I already had a lot of pain in my childhood and I couldn’t imagine what pain can be worst but it turnout he was right. He said it would only last into my late 20’s so what I believe is all that pain from the past was supposed to happen so I can use it for greatness in my later years.
The reason I went to see the tarot card reader in the first place because I wanted to know if I would die young and if it will be from illness, he said no!When I was a kid I lived in fear and it crossed over into my adulthood. Since then I have never been to a reading again, but this one time at gay bar in Palm Springs some drag queen grabbed my face and looked into my eyes and started to read me and I got spooked so I disconnect from her eyes so she stopped, I guess the only way she could read someone was to look into their eyes. She was spot on about everything. So from my experience I believe that there are certain people that are born with talents that are connected with the spirit life or maybe they use more of the brain than the majority of us use. I don’t know just from what I have experience. Both of them did not charge one cent, they were both spur of the moments and free!
Today is day 35 sober and I am so grateful to be alive and sober! Greatness is on the horizon; I can feel it in my bones.
Day 26 Sober, Last night was an amazing experience, I was able to attended LA Film Festival. I saw a film called uncertain terms; it was witty, emotionally charged film. Its about a pregnant girl name Robbie moves to a group home of young pregnant girls, Robbie starts having a relationship with the maintenance man while still with her immature baby daddy. There is a birthday scene where it’s a bunch of underage pregnant girls dancing to Khia “My Neck, my back”. Probably this best film for me so far this year…I have a few days left, so ill have to decide at the end.
Yesterday I was able to sit with Vince for about 30 minutes before his event, we had a conversation that needed to happen, so I can start taking the necessary steps to a healthy me. My love for him is really great but I need to hear in Vincent voice that there is no future between us, he mentioned it before but I wasn’t ready to hear it, I was last night. When you caused the break up there is always a feeling of trying to fix what you have done wrong, trying to make up for the wounded. I do have some pain that lingers but it will last for a while mixed with missing him, I sometimes get confused between still in love or missing him. Maybe it is both, it feels like a death, you are fine one moment then with in seconds you are in tears. I believe Vincent was my soul mate the minute I met him I dropped everything so I can be around him all the time. He brought me closer to myself at the sacrifice of his heart. What I’ve learn in the process is that we all have more than one soul mate in are lifetime because we are constant evolving humans that change so Vince was my soul mate that I needed at this time in my life because the universe gave me what I needed to evolve so now that I am evolving and becoming a new person it opens me up to a new soul mate. I do sometimes wonder, what if I had met Vince today with such clarity in mind and heart. In my head in vision growing old with him, the whole sitting in rockers on the porch, me putting up with his grouchiness, as he gets older and bald. Taking care of him as he ages unless I age horrible first. It’s a dream that I have to let go and that is the hardest part because my actions caused this dream to no longer be a possibility but without getting it taken away I wouldn’t be here sober. As I get older I realize some greatness in ones life can cause such deep pain, you have to endure. The pain is so deep it becomes a physical disability but I have to let go. Let go. Vince and I both suffered great losses. We both are equally amazing and we both created lessons to be learned. I don’t believe in mistakes. I was an amazing boyfriend that happens to have an addiction but when I was sober for brief times I was a pretty great, I am sure Vince will agree. As I am writing my heart isn’t broken but bruised. Time, positive thinking and being sober has helped heal me a bit. I still have a long ways to go.
Yesterday seeing Vince brought out that schoolgirl in me. I was a so nervous, butterflies in my stomach, when I saw him some air left my lungs, I couldn’t stop laughing. I wanted to just look into those brown eyes and be in the moment because I knew in my heart at that moment it would be the last time I see him with this intense love. So I wanted to enjoy that moment. The break up was not just between Vince and myself the break up was between families, friends, the future plans, Magnolia. We broke up in November and didn’t tell family until weeks later and when we did tears flow through their eyes.
I cant help get sappy its like an end of an amazing chapter or era of my life, A graduation into a new Adolfo. This is a goodbye letter to my relationship. You see I always in vision Vince and I walking down the aisle because we both couldn’t decide who was the girl, in a forest. I also in vision Anne, Maju, Summer, Rachel, Luisa standing next to Vince while I have one person maybe on my side. I need to let this out into the universe because this is no longer the reality. I have to accept, grief and let go of this dream because the universe has a bigger dream for me that I cant see or even see the path at moment but I know the path exists.
This wonderful soul brought so much love and growth into my life. I want him to know his love saved me from a bleak future that was not going to end well. Vince was the single most influential person because of him I will stay Sober and with being sober now I can live. I also want him to know that my love for him was pure just clouded a bit. I lied but I also loved so hard, laughed, accepted him for everything, loved every part of his body. I was pretty much perfect except for the drinking and lying… never cheated or hit. Never really looked at anyone else in sexual way. You were the one for me kid. Glad I was for you too for that moment.
I will be more than fine; I will be sober not just from alcohol but also from the past, hurt, and guilt, ashamed, from loss. Hopefully once he heals from the betrayal I caused (that’s even if he wants to heal) or learn to trust me again. I can look at you and you look at me with no pain and hurt and we both can sit and you get to fully experience the Adolfo you seen in me the whole time…. I am going to also release this song out to the universe it was supposed to be are first dance/wedding song.
Hello world! Today is day 11 and I am feeling so inspired and enjoying each moment of being alive. No cravings today and I am so focus on staying sober. I just left my Ex apartment we had a great talk. I was there to pick up our dog Magnolia ashes. Ill be keeping her until we decided if we are going to scatter her ashes.
This blog will be the hardest to write, I can’t get through a word without another tear, I am in this pack coffee shop and I don’t care if people think I am crazy.
I grew up always having dogs; they were my comfort, love, and companion in my childhood, always there to greet me with love know matter what. My family should not have had dogs but in a selfish way I am glad we did. My parents never really took great care of are dogs, they slept outside, never went to the vet and when they got sick they had to get better on there own or died. It was very traumatize, as a child to make us give away are dogs. One time we got evicted and we left snuggles in the house with a bunch of food and water and never went back. I still hear her cry till this very day. I believe the neighbor ended up saving her. Snuggles was my best friend in middle school but my mom couldn’t and wouldn’t let me take her. I remember being so young and driving in a dark neighborhood at night with my mom ex and leaving a dog and driving off as I scream and cry. That kind of shit sticks with a kid and that pain is still is painful. I was a kid, I wish I could saved all my best friends from my parents horrible choices…I am sure they have already passed on and I hope they all know how important they were to me and how I wish I could have given them the best because they gave me so much.
So when I got older I promise myself that I would make up for all the wrongs my parents have done to my best friends. I want to be a good father in the name of all my dogs, we had at least 10 dogs my whole childhood. So the minute I moved to LA I wanted a dog, I begged my Ex for two years for a dog but he would budge. rightfully so, he also wanted to give are son/daughter a great life. We fostered dog are first 2 years, which was so fun but also hard giving up the fosters… especially lucky.
Then one rainy day on Jan 24 2013 we decided to visit a shelter and I knew this was it! I finally get my best friend and make up for all those things. We saw a few dogs and came across this 8yearold Aussie shepherd mix. She looked up at us and we both knew she was the one. Her name at the time was Chrissy and we were informed she was returned 3 times after being adopted. Vince and I (I keep saying EX but his name is Vince) knew she was the one. We named her Magnolia because we had previous talked about are first child would be name Magnolia and she was are first. Magnolia is a street in Burbank that Vince and I had our first date on. We picked her up the following day because we had to prepare for her arrival, I was so excited!!!!!!
Then the big day arrived, Jan 25. We brought her home and she was the best!! She never barked. That next day I had to travel to palm springs but the whole time I wanted to come back to this family I have always dreamed about. When I arrived home I notice she was breathing a bit funny and thought it was normal or a cold but it didn’t go away so I made an appointment with a vet. I remembered Vince staying home and I took her to get checked. Magnolia hated the vet and she was so nervous but I was hugging and kissing her the whole time. So the vet takes her away and does x-rays and blood work. when she brought maggie back the doctor face said it all. She had lung cancer that was like stage 5 and had spread everywhere with lots of tumors. She told me we can do chemo but Maggie insurance didn’t kick in yet. I was crying the whole way home and I knew I would have to deliver really bad news to my love, I remember Vince lying down in bed when I told him the news. We both started to cry. This was my chance to finally give a good home to my dog and the universe was taking her away so soon. So Vince and I decided to get her on a form of chemo right away that can help her breath and we made an appointment for a cancer specialist. Through all of this Maggie was such a good girl!!!!!! She would howl a bit if we left her alone but everything we ever wanted in a dog she was that and more. She was always a happy dog and hated walks. She never liked toys but love peanut butter. She kind of reminded me of Vince. Maggie started to have uncontrollable bowl movements so we took her to see the cancer specialist the next day. They said they had to run some test on her before they can make game plan. It was going to take a couple hours and a couple grand. So we decided to go grab some lunch, 15 min after we left for lunch the doctor called us saying to come back, I knew in my heart it wasn’t good. We get their and basically told we should put her to sleep. That was the worst feeling knowing there isn’t nothing we can do. So we left with Maggie and we had to go buy diapers and I bought her a rotisserie chicken. Vince and I knew she hated the vet so we talked about having vet come out to us and put her down in her bed; we wanted her last moments on earth to be in her bed. She hated the diaper so her last night I took it off and she kept licking herself so I stayed up all night holding a wet cloth to her behind to comfort her. So the next day I had to run an errand and Vince called me saying Maggie is hiding in the closet we have to put her down like now. I wanted to wait till the evening. I hurried home.
Maggie was in the closet. The vet came and told us its going to be two injections one will put her in a numb state than the next one would send her off to her next chapter. We put Maggie song on City and Colour: The girl. Vince hold her hand kissing her and I was kissing her head rubbing it saying I love you in her ear as the second injection with in….
Magnolia passed on March 4 2013, little over a month of coming into are lives. She passed quietly in her bed surrounded by love.
Magnolia came into are life so Vince and I can give her an exit she deserves. I don’t know her past but I know it wasn’t what she deserved but I believe are month of love erased it all. I am glad Vince and I was able to give that and I am so thankful I had Vince to share that journey with. Magnolia was a fighter, and she fought so hard. It inspires me on a daily basis to fight this battle of addictions. I Know Maggie is on the other side cheering me on and guiding me on the right path to being sober.
Magnolia was one of the most amazing souls I’ve come into contact with. I am glad she saw me sober most of the time but I do wish she would have experience the clear-minded Adolfo but I know she does from the other side. Maggie where ever you are I want you to know you did great things in this life and brought so much joy and love to a lot of people who came in contact with you. You gave me strength, hope, love and courage to fight every day to become who I want to be. You really adopt me .. There is really know others words that I can say except I love you, I love you , I love you… RIP My daughter until we meet again.