Hello friends, today is 203 days sober, spending the day getting ready for my trip back home. So happy to see the desert stars and smells that desert air. Going back with a clear mind and focusing on healing childhood wounds is necessary for my sobriety. I grew up in a very dark childhood that consisted of all child abuse. Homeless quite a bit, so I know my childhood has everything to do with the way I saw my self-worth and how I saw people and how I reacted to life situations. I still don’t have a clear vision on why I started substance abuse with drugs and booze but in time I feel it will render.
I am feeling very content with being alone, its helps so I can focus on the areas I need the most work on. Being alone and loneliness was hard to separate in recovery because I felt like a part of me was missing but I came to realize that I am not lacking anything everything I need is already in me I just to create inside myself and the universe will bring to life. I am detaching from negative thoughts, opinions, all needs that I think I need. So I can sit still and not be blinded from my Ego. I want my Ego to become small and I need to always be aware so I can connect to others without pushing my old beliefs onto them. In recovery, I sometimes see people being unsupportive in others recovery process or kind of mean to others who are relapsing and I don’t ever want to be a dry drunk. I want to always have compassion for others because I was once them who kept relapsing on the same hand in recovery I never seen so much compassion and reaching out, The first week this blog went live, I was getting some people not so happy about me being vocal about my addiction and recovery process, even from my own family but a sober warrior told me to keep going and let my higher power guided my heart and so without her wisdom I probably would have stop. I don’t ever want to not speak out about my addiction because I want others who might still be using to know just cause you suffer from a mental disorder you are still capable of living out your dreams and living a happy life, you addiction doesn’t define you just like diabetes doesn’t define a diabetic. We just have to learn to separate oneself from the mind voice.
I am grateful for life, for my readers, for the love I am creating for myself that helps me love others unconditionally. I am grateful for my recovery that pushes me to becoming a better me. Sober is the new black.
India Arie “video” is such a powerful song, sometimes in life I have to be reminded and be put back on track with loving me whole and if I am feeling a bit blue I play this on repeat until there is no question on how much I love me.
Hello Friends, Today is day 59 sober, a day away from two months. I am on my lunch break. Its beautiful day, the sun is shining and it’s a warm day. Got back to LA late last night, I was visiting my hometown Palm Springs. I had such an amazing time sober, I got to see A lot of my family, ate some great food and had a great time connecting with everyone sober. It gets hard being away from loved ones. I know once gray hair starts to grow, I will move near my family or get a second home if I were to be that lucky. Life is very short. I didn’t blog as much over the weekend because I wanted to be with the family at every moment of the day. I arrived Friday spent sometime time shopping with the family than headed to the club at night to dance away. Red bull, water, and a couple of cigs were on the menu for my night out. I did not have any cravings at all.
My grandma Mary had a 60-surprise bday; it was amazing seeing her expression when she walked through the door. Now that I am sober I can appreciate the moments more and also live in the moments. It was a party for 80 so it was a bit stressful. I did not help out as much as the others, I was to busy messing around with the kids. The food was perfection. On Sunday I slept most of the day, there is nothing more comforting than sleeping in your mothers bed, in a dark room, really cold. Most of Sunday was sleeping than we baked banana bread. The drive back as well as the drive to was filled with great conversation with my aunt.
All in all it was the best trip so far. I can’t wait to visit again. Going back home is great, Being home also brought me a bit of sadness seeing someone very close suffering with addiction, I sometimes question how to help that person. I had to learn on my own but I also had tough love. Seeing that person talk and walk reminds me so much of myself. The constant sorrys that never end. I know that person wants to stop but not knowing how too. I am so early in my recovery, so I feel like my advice can be unworthy for this person. Since this person is such a big part of my heart I only want the best advice for him. I do try and talk to him but it doesn’t connect and he is always trying to prove me wrong. It’s a very touchy subject with my immediate family so I don’t want to push any buttons. I don’t even think that person even reads my blog. I worry quite a bit because I know what the 2 outcomes are if he doesn’t quit. Ill just pray away. I was the split image of him. I know with every cell in my body I will never drink, for me and for the others who are suffering in my family. I have to be strong and show them that it can be something treat able and for my dog Maggie who passed away in the midst of my Addiction. Sober is the new black.
Today is day 57 sober and its a beautiful hot day in Palm springs, I am surrounded by love and family. Its a perfect day. My Aunts and stepmother are in the kitchen cooking away, laughing, crying and telling stories. I am teary eyed with gratefulness enjoying every moment of this. My mind is clear enough to be in this moment in pure joy. I feel this feeling inside me, bliss. Today is my Grandmas 60th surprise BDAY party. There will be around 80 people here and it booze free, which is amazing. I love the desert smell, my warm skin caressed by the sun rays, the sound of family laughter, the essence of home cook meals, the hugs, My brothers voices, the family pets are just some of the things I miss when I am back in LA. The more I am sober the more I am appreciating those wonderful blessings. Life for me is so much better clean and sober. I have to say my family is pretty awesome. I did find myself wishing I had a love to share this moment with me, seeing him in the kitchen building a bond with my family. My stepmother and aunts are very open and love to joke. I know one day ill have that.
Last night some child hood friends and I went to a couple of gay clubs, the first was a club called toucans it was ok, music was not my taste and I wanted to dance so we left. We ended up at hunters and that satisfied my dancing need. No cravings at all, both of my friends were drinking one was over drinking and I found myself seeing my old ways in her. The more I am around people who drink the more it makes me not want to ever. Not that I am judging but I will never want to feel so detached from reality and my soul. I’ve been in a bit of a dry spell when it comes to one aspect of my life, and I am a guy, so I was hoping in finding a make out body. Not really sex or a relationship, just someone to talk to and connect, dance, make out, hold hands; very light stuff. Someone to appreciate and be appreciated but what I realized is everybody was drunk or buzz and was looking for sex. The booze is out of my life and sex wont happen until I find someone who wants to be exclusive my body is such a beautiful gift for my partner to have, I cant give it away to some cheap motel drunk, that I don’t really know with that said I wouldn’t mind making out with one. I am 28 and need to work on myself a bit more before I can try and build a healthy relationship. No one newly sober should add more to their plate and make an open space for hurt when healing. I still wonder if I will end up with someone sober or who drinks. I know I don’t want my issues to become theirs and I cant help who I fall for. I also don’t want a drunk. I used to be one I know how diffcult I used to be. I am open for love; I can’t turn away a good guy. I am attracted to men now in a different way, kindness for me is the biggest turn on, a smile, a person who looks me in the eye, who is an open book, some one who has passion, loves conversation, loves to learn and grow, loves to eat and watch film, who is confident, someone who enjoys a great cry, someone self aware, all those things are sexy.
So I thought I would not have any contact with my birth parents while I am out here but it turns out my father will be arriving shortly to BBQ the food, he still has a relationship with my younger brothers and is friends with my stepmother. I have issues I am currently dealing with but I can push that aside for my grandmas BDAY. From what I hear he is in a better place, so I am proud of him. I talk to my birth mom and she is trying also to be better. She is currently homeless bouncing around from roof to roof. I love her very much and even though she done some really bad stuff to me, I have a deep love for her. I used to send her money and help her as much as I could but I had to stop. I don’t think she is using but who knows. I do weep for her at times, I just wish she would she her greatness, she does have a wonderful soul. I wish she can just get it together, for her but also for my selfish reason, I would love to get to know her. When I was going through my break up with Vince I would call her and she would just talk about herself and never asked me how I was, or after court, she even cussed me out when I decided to start this blog. I needed her when I was a kid and she wasn’t there, I needed her at the worst time of my adult life and she wasn’t there. I learn that I can’t look to her for something she never gave me and probably never will but the want is still strong. I would like that best friend bond but she live in denial and won’t admitted the role she played in my childhood, maybe it’s to painful or maybe she doesn’t know how. I don’t want her to admitted or accept it for me but for her so she can grow. My love for my mom and father will never go away. The difference between my mom and dad is my mom try’s to have a relationship and my father doesn’t. Not sure why they are that way they are, or if they also have parent issues that they never healed. I wish I had the power to glue their broken pieces but all I can do is glue mine.
Someone mention that I should attend an AA meeting, so I might but no triggers and no cravings, also there is a lot of love in these walls who have had addiction that are sober and not dry. Most of my family is in recovery; it’s like an AA convention when the family gets together. That fact that I was in the old gay club with no cravings and dealing with my birth parents with no cravings shows me that I am growing and evolving. I cant go back once I have had a shift in consciousness and I cant become unaware once I am aware, I cant unlearn 1+1=2 now it come down to choice. Sober is the New Black.
I am grateful for everybody who followed me back home, going to head back to the party.
Hello friends today is day 21 sober and I am having such an amazing time. It feels good to be in the desert surrounded by loved ones. Yesterday I went to my brother graduation. It was a beautiful night. Every time I come back home there is a certain smell that I am in love with. I saw my father and I was kind of nervous at first but it went well I gave him a hug and he said he loved me, which felt good. I know its not an over night process but eventually I would love him in my life. Last time I was here, 7 months ago my father and myself both were drinking and he got in my face wanting to fight me because I spoke up on how I felt. With my father in the past he is always right and you cannot have an opinion. Also my parents; I felt had always put their partners before their children wellbeing. My Father getting in my face brought me back to my childhood that scared and hurt little boy. After that day I promised myself that I would not allow anyone including my parents make me feel that way again and I also promise myself that I would Never be in his presence. That was a bit unrealistic seeing he will always be in my brother’s life. After the graduation we went to dinner and there was some drinking and I did not have a physical craving for booze! I did not focus on my dad I focus most of my energy on my brothers, aunts, and stepmother and enjoy each moment laughing.
Every time I am in the Desert I try and get a tattoo. I want to celebrate getting sober with a gift for myself so I feel like a tattoo will do. Not sure what. I have a few ideas, ill decided a bit later. I want to make this a healing trip. When I was with my father I did not have any uneasy feelings except the beginning, which past quickly that felt really good. I also need to make time for my mother. My Mother wants to be in my life and makes more of an effort. For me to heal is to forgive and to forgive is to go in with an open mind and heart. I feel like my parents are not born with the intention to hurt their kids. Something probably happen to them as a child that I am unaware of and because of that they made choices that affect are lives but anyone can change if they want to.
My parents did the best they can with their mental state. I am unaware if my parents had loved ones call them out and try to create an intervention in the beginning of their disorder. I am lucky I had loved ones call me out on my alcoholic disorder and helped me see it. I hope my parents read this and know that its possible to change and change can be scary, lonely and hard at first but once you are open to accepting the truth, watch your thoughts and surrender. Life is so amazing and there is so much possibility with in them that shines so bright. I love you mom and dad. I will be here waiting when you are ready and if that day never comes that’s ok, my love for you wont fade. If anything my love is greater now that I am also going through my own alcoholic disorder. Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself!
HelloFriends in a few hours ill be headed back home! I can’t wait to see my family. It feels good to know I have a clear mind, which makes me open to reconnect, and I can also appreciate the time I spend with loved ones. I know that it’s important to create boundaries with people in your life especially if you feel like they can be harmful to your sobriety. It’s important for me to be selfish in this area of my life. My sobriety has to come before anything else.
There are some local spots I am excited for like the Ace hotel, burger box, el Gallito, San Miguel, any pool really. I am kind of in the mood to go dancing. Its been a awhile since I got on the dance floor sober so that sounds fun but overall I am excited to see all the faces of my loved ones. I have still have a lot of healing to do with a lot of my past and parents. I know that will happen in time but going through my own addiction has brought me some understanding for my parents. I want to see them with an open heart and mind. Without the stain eyes I’ve seen them in the past. My eyes were stain with resentment, angry, and hurt. I want to embrace my parents with understanding, empathy, without judgment and ego, and love. I don’t know my parents story. So I have to go in without any judgment or ego.
I want people to forgive me and hopefully give me tolerance, I have to do the same and if my parents are not open to it, then that’s ok. I will be fine. Life will go on and my sobriety will stay. I used to only see what I did not have, so it blinded me from seeing all the love around me. Yes I had a profoundly misfortunate childhood but as a child I had a lot of great things in my life that I did not see at the time. I have four amazing brothers, a wonderful stepmother who was always there to help guide me in the right direction. Who loves me without any judgment and all of my loving crazy aunts. So that’s what ill be focusing on and maybe hit up some new spots. I have never just sat at a coffee shop and wrote. Maybe Ill starts new nonfiction there!
Thank you all again! Hope you join me on my trip back home! 20 days sober and so grateful!