Hello friends today is day 93 sober, it’s been such a busy week . I started transitioning into my seasonal job, I will still be working at the non profit. I’ve been annoyed with a new boss from the nonprofit. He is really aggressive in making a name for himself which I understand new boss usually do. He just goes about it in a rude way. I notice about myself if people are rude then my patience disappear in being nice with them. I can’t let others unhappiness affect mine. People should be nice to one another period. It can be hard if your are having a bad day but its possible. I’m grateful my mind is clear enough to see what I need to work on. I also wonder how much of it is just being a human, and not so much the addiction. Humans feel annoyed. I sometime wonder if me feeling these feelings will worry my family. I should be able to feel these things and it doesn’t mean I will drink. I know with every cell I wont.
I love that I am aware of the things I need to change; I want to be the best I can be in every moment. I’ve been writing a lot more. Which is great, every time I write a poem, its like I am giving birth. I get emotional when it’s done. Today my goal is to only write. At least 20 poems. I found this Café that is a perfect place. I get inspired being outdoors.
Yesterday after the working meeting I was going to go write but some friends wanted to go hangout, I was going to say no and continue to be a hermit but I knew I needed to get out more. I am so glad I did, we were out till 3 am. Sober fun is pretty amazing, waking up with your body refresh without any hangover, no pain and remembering the night. My friends did drink and I had no cravings. We went for drinks after the meeting I had a coffee, then after we hit up a bowling alley. I love to bowl and pretty good. The alley had everything from an arcade to pool tables. I had such a blast, it made me realize writing is important but so is having a social life. With that said I do enjoy being alone. Sober is such a wonderful state a mind. I don’t just want to be sober from booze but also sober from ego, past, guilt, sober from anything that is preventing me from reaching my full potential. Sober is the New Black. I am grateful life, friends, sober fun, love, and writing.
Iggy Azalea work is a great song, Its exactly what I am doing, I am working no me.
Hello friends, today is day 88 sober. This is a longread but its necessary for my healing. This is my Teen years into early adulthood. It’s an extension from my childhood and middle school years post. It’s a bit dark and its filled with a bunch of life lessons learned from darkness. I am not trying to hurt my family just need to heal. So I hope this will help someone. The path you’ve walked isn’t really important. It’s the path you create now in this moment.
The summer before high School my mother went to jail and my brother and I went to stay with my great grandmother. My father at the time was going through his own addiction. My day had created another family with my stepmom and my two younger brothers and at the time I felt he did not want us. My brother and I stayed there for a while. It was a great time. My great grandmother was a very kind soul that showed so much love. My father eventually came and picked up my bother and I because school was about to start. I came from different city and was very scared of high school. I was really small and looked like I belong in 5 or 6 grade. Freshman year was probably the worst year of my school years, at that time I just wanted to fit in and have friends. I did not have love at home so I was looking for constant approval from people. My freshman year, I only had two shirts and two shorts. I was so ashamed and Embarrassed, my clothes would smell really bad. My shoes had holes. My classmates notice so I was not only going through hell at home now I had to deal with it at school. I just wanted to be notice really so I would started to try and fit in anyway possible but I just did not look popular in anyway. So I meet a guy who was really nice so we sat together at lunch, we were cool. He smoke pot, I had never done drugs. He invited me to his house for the weekend and I went we smoked pot for 3 days straight with no food. Came home Monday and I was stone for days after, I was so scared. My father was never really around. My stepmother had to worry about her kids (my stepbrothers) and she worked fulltime. My freshman year I never went to school, that guy who was my friend one day just turn on me and started to beat me up in bathrooms. He would wait outside my classrooms, so can terrorize me. I would run from room to room. At lunch I found a safe place in the library but he and his friends eventually found me, and would beat me up in the library. I’ve been beaten my whole life by my own parents and never spoke up and so I just let it happen. That’s one of the reason I never went to school.
Eventually my mom got out of jail and so my brother and I moved back, she moved to Indio California, which is still in the same valley. My mom had a new man name Freddy who was drug addict but worked. I did not care I was out of that high school. Sophomore year was great; I excelled with straight A’s. Academic awards in health class and English. I made some awesome friends. I started acting in drama and did so good they bump me to drama honors, junior year comes and I started to work at a pizza place and was doing good in school College prep class for English and drama. I was old enough to work so after school I would get on a bus and head to work, I felt like life was getting better than one day I get home. We had to be out in 3 days, so once again everything comes crashing down
Freddy had a truck so we load whatever we had and parked in back of taco bell and slept there, it was right by my school but eventually we had to move back to be fathers. I did not want to go back to that old high school so I stayed at Indio, the only problem was it was so far away, I had to be up at 4am riding two busses to school plus working a job it just got to much and all those college prep classes and honors classes I started to fail. I wasn’t showing up, life was overwhelming for a 15 year old. At the time is when I met a man who was the manager of the pizza place, he was my first so we started seeing each other, and I would skip school to see him. He showed me affection, something that was rare in my life, so I feel quick. He was thirty I was fifteen but eventually that did not last. People from the pizza place found out and so they made a huge fuss. I ended up Quitting the pizza place and left the high school were I was excelling at. I started doing an independent school that was once a week. I was no longer in English or drama. Since I was working fulltime I had to pay 400 bucks a month to live with my father. My father was must have been on drugs because that’s when he became really abusive. I would wake up to him beating me several times. Stomping my back and face. Kicking my bother and I out the house because of gang’s stuff eventually going back home to see my father sitting on the couch with a gun on his lap. One time my brother who is a few years younger than me had to wash his clothes. My father was in the garage where the washroom was. My father would not let us wash are clothes because his friends we probably doing drugs but we need to for school, so my brother walked in and my father beat him in front of his friends to show respect. I kind of hate my father right now. I still can hear my younger brother cries echo.
My stepmother eventually left my father so again my brother and I moved back to my moms. My mom, her boyfriend, my brother and I lived in a small studio. I was working a grocery store as a bagger and started making friends, I start to come out as gay; I never had any issues with. I don’t remember my first drink but it happens around 17-18 but I was a light -weight drinking like two Smirnoff ice and that’s it. My mother couldn’t really beat me any more but she would say the most horrible things, like I wish I never had you, faggot, etc. she might have been coming down off here drug of choice. I ended up in a continuation school. I would walk a mile to school but I was so determine to graduate and I did. My mother was once again kicked out so we moved into a motel and lived there for sometime. I had already graduated and saved up to by my first car, everything I had I worked for myself, no help. My mom was still using, I found her meth pipe in the restroom and I always would get so hurt every time I found out she was using, I am sure Vince (My EX) felt that way about me..
I got my own place and moved my mom and my younger brother in. My mom did not work, so I had to take care of everything. It was hard but I was manage to do it for awhile, we had really no food. I turned 21 so I would go out, I feel kind of bad because my brother and I started to drift a part because I was 21. He would always want to hang with me but I pushed him away. He started hanging with people who smoked weed. He now struggles with addiction. At that time I was drinking a little but a friend one day offered me cocaine and I feel in love with it. I couldn’t party without it. It was a feeling at the time like no other. It took me away from reality. Life was too much and this helped me coupe. I was doing it for a while. One day I did way too much and spun out, my come down was so bad I was in the hospital. Since that I day I could not do cocaine without getting that feeling so I stop.
My stepmother and I became really close, she came and picked me up. I never went back to my apartment. I left behind everything including my younger brother. I felt bad, I couldn’t save him. I had to save myself. He is now struggling. I moved in with my stepmom and for 3 months I didn’t drink or do drugs. I ate really healthy and worked out, running 6 miles a day. I was working on the outside not the inside, I did not know I was an addict so I start going out but it wasn’t the same. I was not having fun because I did not have that numb feeling. I remember that day I transferred addiction. It’s crazy because I remember that moment. I was at toucans a local gay club and my friend at the time asked me what’s wrong. I told him, He said chug two whiskey and coke and ill get that same feeling. So I did, and that gave me a similar feeling. I think that was the start. I had a couple of short-term loves but it did not last they both cheated on me but I was still not dealing with my past issues. I was picking the wrong guys. One guy was such an ass; he was older and did not ever want to be around me. He wanted to schedule me in, emotional not an available, cold . He had his own issues but he was verbal abusive. I was so used to people abusing me so I took it for 3 months and it didn’t work. I stayed with my stepmother but I was not growing, all I did was watch film and drink. There was a point when I was like maybe I should stop but I did not know how too. I walked into an AA and it was so scary, all ex convicts. I walked in and I was this little gay boy at the time. Everything they spoke it was about with they have done, not the way the mind of Addiction worked. So I checked everything off my list and was like, oh I am not an addict.
I ended up getting laid off of work, I found this older man who basically paid me to hangout and sleep with him, he was an Alcoholic. So from morning till night we would drink, eat and have sex but not just with each other. I was so lost and just wanted some sort of love and I did not want to feel. In my early years I did sell my body for petty cash, it was a rush and I didn’t respect my body. This older man wasn’t giving me petty cash I did not work for two years. Being in my early 20’s making 3 grand a month wasn’t bad. It was two years of craziness. He is well known who had a house in Palm Springs.My addiction started to show. My family I think started to notice. I got arrested for public intoxication, I lost my cell phone that night and wallet and got my septum ripped out. My stepmother refused to pick me up. Tough love. I ended up moving in with my brother, sleeping on the couch. Not aware of my addiction, past issues, a lost soul. After a child is treated like I was you go from hurt kid to an angry negative person and that’s ok because that needs to happen so you can heal eventually. That older man eventually left.
So I was broke, car-less, hurt, had a few items, sleeping on a couch, no checking account at 23 years old. One day I decided to walk to brother hot tube with a glass of wine, and I found this cute boy on Facebook, we started chatting. Little did I know he was going to be one of the biggest teachers in my life so Far. I knew talking to him it would be my out of the hell I created and my parents co created. I rode a greyhound bus to LA. He was outside waiting for me, and I saw him we hugged and kiss. I just felt like home when I was around him, my whole body went numb and I lost my breath, till this day I still get that same feeling when I am around him. A month later I was moving to LA all I had was a bag of clothes and a huge gold bunny that was like 2 feet tall. I was unaware all the past pain I was bringing with me and Vince was also unaware. I still did not understand I was an addict. The relationship was good and also chaotic. There was know way I could have heal 23 years of a horrifying childhood, teen, and early adulthood in the time with Vince.
I sit here now fours years after moving to LA. Making the decision to move out here saved my life. I did not need really an convincing, I had nothing in the desert, I had a chance to be away from my parents. A new life but I had that same mind. I am not perfect but I am on my way to becoming who I am supposed to be. Using my past as the fuel to my rocket shooting into endless possibility. Staying sober, going inside to heal, spiritual practices, creating deep love for myself, writing, creating positive thoughts, finding me, forgiving, sober is the new black, hanging out with my inner divine, learning how to be alone, separating me ego from my soul, law of attraction, laughing, creating passion are just some of the things that will keep me on my path to becoming ADOLFO. Sober is the new black, I am grateful for life
Stay connect with love Adolfo
Jennifer Hudson I am changing is a perfect song,
I am changing, I am going to start again, I am going to leave my past behind me, Im change my life, make right, nothing going to stop me now.
Day 86 sober, Hello friends today has been a successful day planning some exciting stuff on the horizon. Today work was slow, it seemed all I did was eat. I really need to change my eating habits, I’ve lost over ten pounds since I stop drinking but I am eating tons of sugar and other junk foods. This is my intake so far today, king size Kit Kat, two slices of pizza, Fritos, diet coke, hot Cheetos, three cups of coffee, a donut…Blah when I write it down its kind of Embarrassing but I can change it.
I am getting close to my 90 days sober. I am very excited. I don’t have anything plan for the big day. I do work at my upcoming job but after that I might go write. 90 days without a thought of wanting to use, is a big deal. I already pass the count of my last relapse so that’s a huge deal but I have not craved any booze and I have been around it. It makes me feel gross to even think about it. My mind back then didn’t understand addiction and Alcoholism. Life is to fun to waste being drunk. I used to think there was know way I can have fun without a drink but I was so wrong because the fun I am having now is real, I can dance, ride bikes, go out to a club, have a great dinner party, game nights, concerts, BBQ and the beach. I am not missing out on anything. what is awesome, I’ll be in the moment sober so Ill have more hours of fun because I do not pass out and I remember everything, in control of the outcome, that’s a beautiful thing. I know longer have to wake up with guilt, people hating me, hating myself, no shame, no I am sorry. If I had a penny for every sorry I spoke, I probably could buy a LA home cash. I am also becoming the real me so I am finding out I enjoy doing things I never did like playing sports.
I wake up now grateful, exited to see what the day brings and madly in love with myself. I don’t worry about others opinions or judgments because I know me. I Love meeting new people, getting to know their story. I want to learn constantly, from love to addiction to sex to food to poetry. I want to constantly be working to be whole, smart, and loving. In life I just want to be happy and have fun, life is to short to be unhappy. I found purpose in sobriety, there is a bigger picture. Addiction was put in my life for a reason, on my way to figuring it out, maybe it was to break this family cycle. The universe knew I was strong enough to do so. It ends with me or maybe to help others who struggle. Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for life, my awesome hat, Coffee, connections, and for the reader.
Stay connect with love, Adolfo
OneRepublic Good life, Yes it is going to be a good life from now on, just have to stay sober.
Hello friends today is day 8o sober, its been a productive day. Just woke up from a nap and heard about Robin Williams. I felt a sadness come over me. Not sure yet what happen but I know he struggled with Addiction. Every time I hear about a person who has been sober for so long, passing away. It reminds me that this disorder never goes away and I need to be focus always and continue to work on myself. Just scary to know I have that in me. Today I feel a bit sad, but focus. I watch his films growing up and loved his laugh. His smile was adorable. This will be a short post, going to make a batch of coffee and continue to write and be inspired with life. Sober is the New Black. I am Grateful for being sober, for Robin Williams films and for life.
I wrote a poem today on the bus ride home. Its about my past mistakes and my current state.
Hello friends, today is day 79 sober. It’s been such wonderful day so far. Last night I was up till four in the morning finishing up my poems. Almost done than they will be off to an editor to look it over, I think they are perfect but its good to get an opinion. I feel like there might be more then twelve but we will see. I spent the day shopping away at a flea market and thrift stores. I love finding eclectic pieces. I found some cool glasses. I going to spend the rest of the day writing the final installment of my mini bio and try to finish up the series I’ve been working on. No cravings at all since, I got sober. I am about to hit 3 months and that’s around the time of my last relapse. I was in a sober living, I started boozing it up there than shortly after checking out.
My mind was so different back than and my life was chaotic. Getting sober at the time, going through a break up and not having a stable place live. At the time I didn’t realize it was all my doing. I am glad I can go back and reflect on some of the things, so I can do differently. I did at the time get some vital information that planted seeds in my mind. I use to think my Addiction was in the booze so I just stop drinking. I was unaware that Addiction is a disorder that centers in the mind and self. So that was the biggest Aha moment, But at the time I did not want to accept the fact that I wasn’t in control. My relapse hit hard and fast, I am so lucky to be alive. It consisted of court, keying a car and a MRI. Lesson learned and the wheels keep turning. One of the biggest gift I found in sobriety is forgiving others and forgiving myself. It took a lot of work but I can honestly say I sit here with no guilt from those things. It was a beautiful disaster; Because of that bottom I am here not only alive but also living! Living my life to fullest in the moment. I cant wait to see what life has in store for me next, whatever happens I will be grateful, appreciate it, put lots of love into it, have my thoughts, words, and actions match, as I am doing now, Keep evolving and growing, non stop writing, going deep in my self so I can continue to heal and hangout with my inner divine or higher power. I have so many dreams now, love is one but also to be a writer, make a film, act more, become a journalist. Make a home with my love and have some Golden Retrievers. Watch them all play in the front yard while I drink my coffee. I want to write constant love letters to my love. Get married and be inspired everyday from those lovely eyes staring back at me. Hell, maybe ill even write a book all about my love. I get inspired by everything now days, from zombies to shoes. I cant have any of that unless I stay sober. Life is pretty amazing, Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for these awesome glasses in the pic I found, for my readers and I am grateful for everything.
Stay connect with love, Adolfo
Ingrid Michaelson The Way I am is perfection. Hope you like
Hello Friends Its End of day 74 Sober, and I came across another film from Mateusz M and its all about your Vision that connects with me on so many levels. On May 24 2104 I was in bed crippled by addiction and this Vision Of Sober Is the New Black came to me, the essence of it came. I created the domain earlier but wasn’t aware of my addiction. Fall forward, every mistake I make now is going to be a lesson so I don’t fall back only falling forward. Live moving forward. Sometimes to Achieve greatness you have to endure pain. This was birth from pain. When I looked around me I didn’t see anything that looked like success but I realize success starts in the mind in a vision. Sober is the New Black. Hope this Video helps
Hello friends today is Day 72 sober, I was up late last night writing away at Starbucks on my walk back home it started to rain which in august is kind of weird but I embraced it. After a great writing session I birth a new poem. I am very excited to share it with everyone soon. The walk home was so beautiful, when I got to the front of my apartment building I found myself sitting in the rain, embracing the beauty of the universe. I am such a small part and I am very grateful. People around me are telling me I’ve changed, that I seemed calmer and happier. In responses I say, I am the Adolfo that’s always been afraid to come out but Adolfo is no longer afraid, also has passion to become great. I sometimes find myself walking home and tears starts to flow not of pain but of joy. Knowing that I feel joy and peace with being sober, something I never knew was possible. People say life keeps getting better, my mind can’t imagine the joy inside being any greater than it is. Sobriety has brought me such peace and only with that peace I see the world from a different view, life smells sweet, and everything looks brighter from the light the shines upon me to the night gloom that surrounds me. People also say it’s a pink cloud phase and it will pass, well my goal is to never let it pass and even the worse days of sobriety is a pink cloud over a fun day drunk.
Addiction for me is a blessing because it forced me into recovery so I can begin healing my past and my wrongs, than it introduce me to that Inner divine, the co creator of life that allows endless possibility. If I didn’t have Addiction than I would still be walking around a bitter hop of past and pain. I can now see a clear path, what I need to do to get to my long-term goal. Constant work and discipline is keeping my mind focus. Nothing comes before my sobriety because without it I have nothing. I lose myself. Alcohol killed everything alive in my life, and preserves everything that is dead. It’s never too late to change your thought process and gain control over the mind. We are all powerful and capable. For me Alcoholism started in my mind in the form of thoughts that lead to the body. I recently became aware that my thoughts are controlled by me. Than with that I was able to do the work, learn to be happy, made different choices, deal with feelings and forgive my past and myself. I am not perfect, I don’t know all the answers but I want to learn all about myself so I can heal, I want to learn everything, I want to be the best for me and others. I am a work in progress. I want be in constant growth and evolving, not being stagnant in fear created by my mind. With that said I will buying a plane ticket somewhere so I can face my fear of flying, not sure where but it needs to happen. This is me in the moment, changing with every second of sobriety. Sober is the New Black. I am grateful for love, finding myself, and meeting my inner divine. No one can take away what I create inside myself.
Natasha Bedingfield Unwritten is how i feel in this moment
Hello friends today is day 71 sober, I just woke up from an amazing nap. I did not get the best sleep last night. There is a couple that continues to fight above my floor and it reminds me of my of my parents fighting, I’ve called the cops so many times. Her Screech is very is very haunting. I just hope she finds the courage to leave and knows her worth. My rewrites have been good going to pick it up again in a bit. Last night I had to put it down because my mind and eyes couldn’t function anymore, I was up late.
Last year around this time I got to meet Gloria Estefan, who is a brilliant singer and inspiration. Kathy Griffin hosted this Q&A slash Album release party for Gloria fan’s. I’ve always been a fan of Gloria and listen to hear music growing up. Growing up her music took me away from that nightmare into a fairytale. Dancing and music is such a healing tool I also use today.
When I was in the midst of my Addiction most of the time I was functioning. Addiction and Alcoholism showed up in my life in lying, deceitfulness and conniving, I never harmed anyone physically. Vince was the photographer for the event and the whole week I was bugging to go, hoping. Thinking of a conga outfit. I got approved. We showed up before anyone else; I was sitting on the couch and in walks Gloria, Emilio, and Kathy. I was so nervous like a mouse I didn’t speak at all. They were doing interviews and Vince was getting candid shoots. At that time I notice they were setting up an open bar and right away my inner addiction voice starts going off, it was a constant battle, a painful battle. I knew If I picked up a drink than I would be lying to my partner but I was powerless and at the time I wasn’t in recovery so I didn’t have the tools, I do now. Once it started Vince went his way, I headed to the bar. Putting an untreated alcoholic at an open bar is like putting a Starved man in a locked room with tons of food and telling him not to eat. My mind convinced me a powerless person, to walk over and grab a drink so I did. To be in front of booze and not drink was mentally and physically painful. I would panic and be anxiety ridden. Suffering the whole time. I was chugging and hiding from Vince most of the time. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t be sober for this amazing moment And I must be the worst boyfriend an ungrateful boyfriend. This was a huge night for Vince and I couldn’t have been strong for him. I pounded drinks until tell I got that feeling I was chasing.
I kept it a secret for so long but I needed to write it down so it wont be that infection of guilt that is eating my inside causing my immune system or my healing to get weak. Not every secret needs to be spoken out loud, some secrets you can forgive your self and not do it again. There are some amazing things, sliver linings from that night. I got to meet Gloria Estefan who inspired me at a young age to fight for what I want, she is a survivor. Now when I look back I am filled with gratefulness for Vince who gave me the opportunity to meet her. I told Vince she was the cutest thing ever and when I went to go speak to her she repeated it back to me. Emilio Estefan was so kind to everyone he came into contact with. Gloria made sure everyone got a picture and she spoke to everyone. She is really funny too. Not sure if I thanked Vince for this and many blessing he brought me. Coming from where I did, I never thought I would ever be in the same room let alone have a moment with her. I am so grateful for 71 days sober, for Gloria Estefan and for Vince. Sober is the New black
Photo Credit: Vincent Sandoval
This video of Gloria and Oprah Winfrey is so inspiring. Discipline, baby steps and getting back on is some of the just some of the inspirational words I am taking away. Hope it helps others.
Sober Is The New Black 