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April 6, 2015

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DAY 317 Sober: Holes in ones soul

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DAY 317 Sober: Holes in ones soul

Hello friends, today is day 317 sober. In 10 months sobriety I have felt more inspired in my life than I have ever been. Even more inspired than when I first get sober. I realize my disorder centers in my mind that leads into the body. The roots are in mind and body in the form of thoughts, Emotions, the way I see the world. Once the roots are pulled out than I am left with holes in my mind and soul. I have to now create positive thoughts and feelings towards myself. When I first got sober and pulled those roots out the body cravings left right away. Cravings will come but less and less. They will not be stronger than my truth.

 

I also believe every time someone goes through some traumatic experience it creates holes in their soul, if it doesn’t heal than those holes stay. In the past I would fill those holes up with booze, clothes, substance, sex, anything to make me feel whole and happy. Those things of instant-gratifications, those fillers don’t last long they are a false happy. At the time they made me feel happy, whole and warm but soon faded still leaving the holes so the appetites grow. The Holes are not supposed to be filled only healed. I had to stop filling those wholes up with outside stuff and start to heal inside. I do believe people become whole in points of their lives but someone will pass close or a traumatic experience will happen again creating holes but this time I can heal properly with letting go, my higher power, learning from the lesson and acceptance.

Some traumas I experience might take longer to heal and some might even take years with waterfalls of tears but I have to grieve not numb. Understand and live in the bigger picture of life and not stay in small circumstances that happen in ones life. Sober is the New Black

The past few days I’ve been in a writing mood, staying up into the early mornings of the day. Here are some of my poems that I hope inspire others

 

 

The first poem is when I am having what seems like a bad day, its my job to find the good.

each day

 

 

Changes always start with thoughts. Changing the way I think to positive ones makes it easier to overcome everything

change

We all have thoughts in the mind that is not who we are. They are from past traumas that feed use lies preventing us from reaching our full potential. EGO

ego

 

We all have been to places, not so great places. Places we want to never go again. These are some of i speak of

i know places

Feeling sad can be used as fuel for change turning it into a blessing. Its a great opportunity

disguise

 

Sometimes I have remind myself that I am not living in yesterdays mistakes or tomorrows worries, bringing back to now in peace

now

 

Whenever you are feeling a bit down, the only thing that can help is going inside finding that higher power that’s in us all.

natural high

 

I always write with emotions and my truth. I had a not so great childhood like millions of others. This one was a bit hard to write but necessary to get out what i needed at the time. I had all forms of child abuse and it’s about healing old wounds that become holes becoming whole. connecting dots from childhood too addiction. I am not my past, I am who I choose today.

holes in soul

 

 

Sia is one of my favorite artist. She suffered from addiction in the past and her last album 1000 forms of fear is so inspiring. The is her latest music video featuring another amazing artist in name Maddie Ziegler. Hope you enjoy big girls cry

 

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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March 24, 2015

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10 months sober

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10 months sober

Hello Friends today is 10 months sober. It seems I had to learn most lessons the hard way.  I think the reason is growing up I had no example or foundation. No teacher teaching me love, self worth or encouragement.  When I first learned how to ride a bike I was six. It was a teenager bike with no helmet. My butt couldn’t touch the seat because my feet had to reach the pedals. I kept falling, crashing, cutting up my legs but I was determined so I kept getting back up. Eventually I got the hang of it.

I really wanted to learn how to ride a bike but did not have the proper tools like a bike for my age, helmet, knee pads or parents outside helping me but I knew I wanted to ride. After being bruised, hurt, bleeding. I finally LEARNED how to ride my bike. It took days but I was determined. The reason why this story is so profound is I took this learning into my adult life “Learning the hard way”

I was never taught how to receive or give love , or how to be a great friend.  I was just trying to survive. I wanted to love but my actions never met how I felt. Every person I would meet I thought would eventually hurt me. My parents were suppose to protect me and teach me how to be a man but instead they abused me in more than one way. When I turned 15, I went out on my own  without any tools.

I now have the proper tools so I don’t have to learn the hard way in some aspects of my life. When I was 6, if I had a bike my size,training wheels and parents teaching me.  I would have learned a softer way.

Now In my adult life my training wheels will be hope/faith and my helmet/protection will be the high power that lives in me. What will help me get back up, guiding me will be my sobriety. I might still learn the hard way with some stuff but I am willing to learn and I know my falls won’t be as hard because of my clean and sober mind.

 

Ill be traveling to Seattle in at the end of April, very excited for this trip. One of many in the works. I hope to meet some of my readers of sober are the new black. I’ve had some readers approach me in public, letting me know they are reading, following and that it helps them self reflect. It sometimes hard for me to comprehend that I can help someone in his or her sobriety.It brings me so much joy and tears. so grateful . When I started the blog it was just I documenting my struggles but I realized it turn into something bigger and I am very grateful.

Macklemore is a huge inspiration to millions. Their music touch my heart in so many ways. Today I got an email from Macklemore and his company congratulating me on my 300 days of sober. Right now he is working on his new album. Can’t wait for it to come out. The videos below are some his songs talking about Ben Haggerty addiction and recovery. I love hearing others speak out about their addiction and recovery. Someone will here those words that might save their life.

 

 

 

 

 

Here some of my poems i have written in past couple of days

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Here are some photos from Las Vegas

11083636_817818711619876_4282103624855735810_n Brandon Flowers

 

Stay connect with love Adolfo Vasquez

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March 10, 2015

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DAY 290 Sober: Las Vegas

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DAY 290 Sober: Las Vegas

Hello Friends, today is day 290 sober. I just got back to Palm Springs from Las Vegas, Nevada. The home of sins, neon lights booze and gambling. Traveling is one of the joys of my life, seeing new things with clean eyes. Beyond grateful that I am able to have wonderful opportunities that allow me to travel, Every time I’m in Palm Springs CA its hard to leave and say goodbye to loved ones. I find myself not missing LA, maybe its just me being in the moment and taking in each day as if was my last.

My stepmother/ best friend joined me on this trip. We are both huge “The killers” fans and the lead singer of the band coming out with his second solo album. The show was at a venue called “Bunkhouse”. The first time I seen “The killers” was 10 years ago in Vegas. My stepmother was the age I am now. It feels really amazing to be here in a better state of mind, I did gamble a bit won a hundred bucks. The last time I was in Las Vegas was six years ago. At the time I was still drinking and in a bad place mentally. No purpose and floating through life without really living it. Don’t remember much about that experience but I know it involved me binge drinking. As a child I disliked the atmosphere but as I got older I learned to fall in love with the sin city.

Unfortunately a couple of hours before the venue opened we all got the news Brandon Flowers had to cancel the show due to illness. I traveled a long way with lack of sleep. I was so excited only to not see him. I can’t control life but I can choose to be devastated, hurt and angry or I can see the sliver lining. How blessed I am to be able to afford wonderful trips with my stepmother. Yes I was not able to see Brandon flowers but I was able to create amazing memories see friends back home, eat great food, laughing all the way and a little debauchery in gambling. Sliver linings are beautiful it brings me back to my soul and a place of gratefulness.

I’ll be heading back to Los Angeles in a few hrs. Back to work Tomorrow. Sober is the New Black.

God Poem

 

vegas bus

 

 

wonderful unkowns

 

 

 

 

This video of Brandon Flowers is perfection “only the young”. Hope you enjoy

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February 18, 2015

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Day 270 Sober: My Breakthrough

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Day 270 Sober: My Breakthrough

Hello Friends today is day 270 sober. Today has been a great day so far. Had a toothache last night into the morning light but feeling a lot better. Right now I am sitting in a café in Korea town enjoy a great read when a thought came into my head, I asked myself a question with a clear mind. Why did I start drinking? Within a sec of asking me that question the answer surfaced, that inner light that dwells in me must have known I was ready.

 

At a very young age, my reality was dark and fear-based.  I would pretend to live in a fantasy most of my childhood, playing pretend. That was acceptable because I was a kid. As I got older in the middle schools and high school playing pretend turned into daydreaming a life than the one I was currently living. High school and middle school was even darker than my childhood. As I got into my early 20’s I couldn’t hide from my reality and found a different escape, which was in the form of substance.

Substance made me happy, free and felt a bond I never felt before. After that “high” or “drinking” I would be thrown back into my unhappy reality so of course I would count the hours till 5pm or the next high to escape.

I was never taught how to create a happy life, no tools, no knowledge, and no foundation. I was going through life embracing experiences one bad after another without listening to the universe that I was on the wrong path. I guess my ears were still clogged from all the past pain. I thought life was just surviving bad experiences, but those bad experiences were just there so I can listen, learn and change.

Since I wasn’t aware or listening.  I repeated making choices that made my reality unhappy thus causing me to use thus creating my life a vicious cycle until my late 20s.

So how do I create a happy reality? The first thing is to always be clear minded so I can never touch another substance that would alter me. With a clear mind, I can create joy feelings with positive thoughts. See life like a blank canvas. Creating the life that I want without the past blinding. Always speak my inner truth and believe that every experience that happens in my life is the universe speaking to me, others call it god.  I feel god is in everything and speaks to me, in experiences, thoughts and feelings. Creating love within myself  for me without others opinions or thoughts. unlearn everything I was thought in my youth so I can learn with a smarter, loving, open, understanding mind and heart.

I am so grateful that at 270 days sober I know why I started using and know that every choice, thought, feeling I make has a direct effect on my future.

 

It seemed throughout my life I’ve learned so many lessons from others pain and for that I am profoundly sorry but also grateful that I am here today “In this moment a better me because of it”. Everyone is a teacher and some will go and some will stay and just because they go doesn’t mean it was an unsuccessful relationship it just means Its time for me to learn a new lesson, feel new things and maybe that teacher needs to teach someone else. With lesson’s I’ve gain from teachers I am able to see life in a different way. A smarter way, Sober is the New Black.

 

joy

 

peace

 

i follow

 

Christina Perri song I Believe is such a powerful and inspiring song. I hope it helps others who might be struggling with believing in their possibility.

 

 

Stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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February 8, 2015

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DAY 260 Sober: Living For Love

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DAY 260 Sober: Living For Love

Hello Friends, today is day 260 sober. Every time I hear about substance abuse taking away someone life, famous or not famous, I feel a wave of sadness flow upon my skin. I just hope if there is anyone still using, find strength and reach out to someone who could help. I also hope families who have lost loved ones to addiction find some peace in knowing Nobody is born wanting to become an addict. It’s a mixture of circumstances that create the addicts mind and the circumstances vary in each addict. I feel very grateful for that moment of clarity on May 24 2014.

 

The longer I am sober the more I’m finding me, finding the great stuff, but also the stuff that needs to be worked on personally and professionally. The past few days I’ve been waking up in a grouchy mood but I am sober and that’s in itself a blessing. Today I feel great. The beginning of sobriety, I was a bit confused by the saying “ one day at a time”. I can’t just live one day at a time, I need to work towards my future and towards my healing but now I get it. All I can do is be present “in the moment” as I work towards the future and when Life doesn’t go as plan all I can do is accept it and figure out what is the next right move towards my future.

 

I don’t know what my future holds for me, but I know I can be the co-creator with the ultimate creator. Being sober is really new for me. I’m less than a year sober, but I am already in visioning a marriage, kids, and a home maybe not in la maybe somewhere green with a forest in the back yard. I want to connect with someone on a spiritual level, who accepts me whole, with flaws. Who allows me to make mistakes in order to learn I don’t want to become one with someone but be two separate beings that face the world together, not letting the outside influence how we feel about each other.  I crave human connection on a deeper level.

Dealing with life sober can be scary, confusing at times, sad, overwhelming but that’s when choices come into play, I can be the solution to the issue or I can make it into a bigger problem. Continuing making the right moves down the path called life. Sober is the New Black.

Love Softly

 

Madonna Living for love is what I’m doing “In this moment” working towards love.

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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February 3, 2015

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DAY 255 Sober: Surrendering

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DAY 255 Sober: Surrendering

Hello Friends today is day 255 sober, the past few days have been really chill. Love waking up without hangover aches or guilt deep in my heart. Even if I wake up a bit down, I know I can control how I feel by seeing the positive in life, I just have to choose how long I want to feel down for.

One of the best parts of sobriety is the surrendering, I no longer have to carry all those heavy burdens I’ve carried for 28 years, I just let everything go. I don’t have any anger or hate for anyone. No grievances from the past. My past addiction was made up of a few things, childhood trauma, fear, and having a family full of untreated addicts. I remember being at the age of 4 sneaking into my stepfather bedroom dresser, looking for his pipe sucking on it pretending to smoke. I loved the taste of the weed resin. My stepfather and brother would take car rides and he would blow weed smoke in our face eventually at the age of 15 I experienced my first high that was weed, that turn into cocaine that turn into alcohol. I switch addiction once the substance I was using become deadly or just not fun anymore. I didn’t realize I was an addict until alcohol came into my life. I switch addiction also because I didn’t realize I was using to cope with my past. Numbing myself from reality.

Now the fear part, I was terrified of everything growing up, scared of wind, heights, mountains, and food, scared of people etc. In elementary school there was a couple of years where I wouldn’t eat because I was afraid of choking, my parents should have put me in the hospital but I eventually got over that fear. I was stick and bones. Growing up I was never taught how to connect with humans in a correct and beautiful way (Reason my previous relationship didn’t work) Now that I am sober and healing I am finding and seeing love in everybody I come into contact with. We are all flawed humans trying to connect with others. My Flaw just happens to be a disorder called addiction.

This past couple of day’s I realized my childhood wasn’t bad at all actually it was the universe preparing me at a very young age, In the process of finding out what the preparation was for. Sober is the New Black.

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Aloe Blacc is one of my favorite modern day soul singer, so inspiring and very handsome as well. hope you enjoy green lights. Check out his album Good Things

 

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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January 28, 2015

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Day 249 Sober: Believe

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Day 249 Sober: Believe

Hello friends today 249 sober, I’ve been really peaceful and feeling very driven. I found a purpose in sobriety. Finding passion, love, feeling my soul. The mind and body can speak to me intensely, but the soul is so much louder. Listening to my inner light has brought peace to my mind and heart. We are born to find our purpose; there is a reason why we are all born. My job is to now find it. I am 249 days sober and know more the about myself in the past 8 months than in the past 28 years of life

I am open to anything that can help me grow spiritual it helps me stay sober and focus. The substance and I were so bonded; I thought it was helping be free from the pain of my childhood, the reality it was keeping my childhood alive. Making life decisions with a child mind. I also lacked human connection, I never knew how to have a healthy relationship. The only relationship was with the bottle. Trauma After trauma after trauma my mind couldn’t cope and I looked for something to make me feel good, happy, help me wash away fears that were crippling. I am now learning what it means to have a healthy relationship not just with others but also myself. Trusting others and if I get hurt, I am wiser to walk away. Sober is the New Black

 

This video on Believe is perfection. If my mind is trying to convince me of fear. I watch this over and over. until I believe in me.

 

I love me some Alabama Shakes, this cover called hold on, its perfection. hope it inspires.

 

trees poem

 

Stay connected with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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January 19, 2015

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DAY 240 Sober: Sober Fears

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DAY 240 Sober: Sober Fears

Hello Friends, today is day 240 sober. The past few days I have felt uninspired and feeling a bit empty. Not sure the reason but I need to go within and find out why. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I also feel that I am sober, now what? Life can be a bit scary, I have no more excuses so if I fail at something its all me. There is so much opportunity it kind of seems overwhelming. Even with these thoughts running through my mind there is no temptation for a drink, but more of a temptation to fix the issue.

Fear has been ingrain in my life at such a young age, fear has prevented me from making horrible decision and but it has also prevented me from reaching my full potential. Sometimes I feel the things I want and the things I fear become intertwine becoming one. I just have to pick my shit up and push forward. Sober is the New Black has opened up some doors that excite me to the core, but also scares me. I never thought I would be in the process of writing a book 7 months sober, which I am so grateful for but with that come fears, damn you fears.

I have to always be aware of my thoughts because that’s part of the Addiction Disorder. The past few days my mind has been trying to feed me failure, but the difference from this time sober is I am aware that it’s my addiction. So I have to push through and change my thoughts.  I will have sober blues in my life, but it’s getting through it with my higher power that makes me resilient. Sobriety doesn’t fix life, but it gives me an opportunity to create a life I’ve always wanted. So I have to work one day at a time, yesterday one hour at a time. Sober is the New Black. Today I feel hopeful, Grateful, loved, happy and a bit lonely.

I wrote a few poems in last couple days, hope they help someone who might be struggling.

FEARS FEEL unnamed VACANTMAN

 

 

stay connect with love, Adolfo Vasquez

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January 14, 2015

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DAY 236 Sober: Finding the purpose in what seems bad

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DAY 236 Sober: Finding the purpose in what seems bad

Hello friends, today is day 236 sober. It’s been a great day so far. Getting over a cold, one day I am fine and the next I feel sick.  I have been thinking a lot about some of the roads I’ve walked and I am starting to believe there is no such thing as bad if you find the purpose in It. I feel the universe knows what I need to evolve into my full potential. I have to go through hard times or what seem bad and stay open to finding the purpose. It creates a wiser, stronger, and better self. So the heartbreaks, people passing, relapses are all great lessons

Staying in the same thought process, Sometimes what I think is good for me might actually turn out to be bad. I feel like I am a filter to what life brings. Filtering out what seems bad and keeping what seems good.

I used this story before but if a mother who was an addict, had two daughters one turn out to be a doctor saving millions of lives and the other daughter becomes an addict and you asked one child why she become a doctor she replies her mother being an addict and you asked the other daughter why she became an addict she replies her mother being an addict. Was that experience of living with a mother who was an addict a bad thing? If it weren’t for that experience her daughter, who was a Doctor would have never saved those lives. I guess its what you make out of every situation and circumstance maybe there is only good and you just have to be open to search for it. Sober is the New Black. I now know with every part of my heart, I would not change the roads I’ve walked because it brought me here today with a great understanding of myself and what I want to do.

 

I know it’s a bit away, but I am closer to a year sober than ever before. It makes me very proud. Every day sober is a celebration, I make every day count by creating art and trying to help others. I will not let anyone try to convince me otherwise.

Here are some of my latest poems. Some related to this blog post, others about life and love.

the mad i dream high the good in life bad is good

 

 

 

I’ve been listening to Bob Marley lately; his words are so poetic and beautiful. Great music in the morning commutes. Keeping me high on that thing called Life.

http://youtu.be/QrY9eHkXTa4

 

Stay connected with, love Adolfo Vasquez